A filmmaker’s dream that can’t stop smiling, has a right arm of gold and the 2013 National League Rookie of the Year award somewhere in his closet; a hulking right fielder with Xbox power that smiles once a month and looks great naked; and a bunch of bearded ballplayers because the team’s marketing gurus are sold on the idea of duping you into buying $29.95 T-shirts on the web with your favorite player’s pressed on it and shoving $24.99 fake beards down your throat at the stadium because your 9-year-old son will definitely want to rock a homeless looking Jarrod Saltalamacchia on his chest, for all his buddies to see come Monday morning inside his third grade class .
In fact, if you live in South Florida, love baseball and will be sitting in Section 325 all by yourself, you don’t have to wait until October to know that aside from growing potentially infectious beards, the 2014 Miami Marlins will not resemble the 2013 world champion Boston Red Sox in any shape or form.
Unlike the Red Sox, nothing about the reportedly “neatly trimmed” Marlins will make you or any of your friends want to grow a beard, unless you fall into a depression at any point between April and September as the Marlins head for a second straight 100-loss season and last place in the National League East.
Alright maybe, the cellar for this year’s Marlins squad is a bit harsh considering the Philadelphia Phillies will officially become the first team in baseball history to allow the use of rocking chairs and walkers on the field and the New York Mets are still shopping at the Swap Shop, while some of their minor league prospects put in time.
Or maybe last place is the only place for this year’s Marlins because the Washington Nationals and Atlanta Braves, two of the best teams in all of baseball, will be cashing big checks while feasting on the rest of the National League East.
But if you’re allergic to sun rays, don’t know what a golf club looks like and don’t own a boat, still believe in the Marlins and $15 Cuban sandwiches, there’s hope for you if you decide to drive to Little Havana and invest in your favorite baseball team:
There are always $5 box seats on the Internet to be found, you might even get to see staff ace and future Cy Young winner Jose Fernandez on the mound ,and be lucky enough to get a solid effort from 24-year-old, but at times an unmotivated slugger Giancarlo Stanton.
Yes, a youngNo.1 pitcher and power hitter are nice building blocks for an attention-starved team. Despite losing 100 games, the Marlins’ pitching staff, anchored by Fernandez, Nathan Eovaldi and Henderson Alvarez, established a franchise-record 3.71 ERA. The pitching staff kept the Marlins in a lot of close games, and above water for much of the summer.
Here’s the problem: The Marlins ranked last in the Majors in runs (513), home runs (95), batting average (.231) and slugging percentage (.335). So, what did the Marlins do to power up the worst offense in the league?
Miami signed 36-year-old Rafael Furcal to play second base and bat leadoff, the same Furcal that missed all of 2013 and parts of 2012 with assorted injuries; journeyman Casey McGehee, who played in Japan last year, to take over at third base; and Garrett Jones, a platoon player in Pittsburgh last season, to get the majority of at-bats at first base; and catcher Saltalamacchia who took a lot of money to come home, even though he was benched halfway through the 2013 World Series.
And if that wasn’t enough to put the supposed youth movement in overdrive, the revamped Marlins front office recently signed disgraced former Cubs closer Carlos Marmol to bolster the bullpen. For those of you that don’t know, that’s the same Carlos Marmol that recently pitched in the Caribbean World Series in hopes of attracting somebody into offering him a major league job because he didn’t have one.
That’s right Marlins fans: Team management is leaning heavily on two players (Furcal, McGehee) that didn’t play in the big leagues last year, while praying internally that young outfielders Christian Yelich and Jake Marisnick continue to develop into serviceable players. Think of your 2014 Marlins as Sunday morning softball team, without the tattooed mashers, of course, meets high school varsity squad.
So, if you really feel a need to invest in the 2014 Miami Marlins, buy one of those $5 box seats from the online ticket provider of your choice, and pray Fernandez is on the mound on the day stamped on your ticket, and beg the usher at the front gate to let you through so you can see Stanton smash a couple light bulbs during batting practice.
Otherwise, go take some golf lessons and stay away from Marlins Park..
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