By Fernie Ruano Jr.
2014 in the 305 has come and gone with the quickness of a chatty, olive green-clad, Versailles waitress putting in motion your order of a pastelito de queso and café con leche from behind the bakery counter at 8:30 am on any given Saturday. Because let’s be honest: some things never change in Miami.
While some really fat and pasty couple in Cleveland, Ohio, both wearing ear muffs and leather jackets because its 35 and lightly snowing and there’s not much to do outside, unless you’re into miserable weather, is turning and twisting under the covers since they’re still celebrating the return home of their favorite basketball player ever, although their favorite basketball player ever is spending Christmas Day with us, we here in the 305 continue to set records – you know get ourselves plastered all over the ‘Guinness World Record Book’ – at an alarming pace. And we’re damn proud of it.
Alright, maybe nobody is keeping score. But since I just hired two bodyguards and know a hottie that works for the FBI, it’s safe to say 2014 will end with our beautiful city still holding the record for Medicare fraud, real estate scams, shady politicians, fake blondes, fake blondes with blunt bangs, fake boobs, uncertified plastic surgeons, uncertified doctors, fake Ray Bans, housewives, unemployed women, single parents, single moms, BMWs, kids that stay in day care until 6:30 p.m. every day, women in your high school yearbook that you would love to ----. unemployed women pretending to be short on time or studying to be a nurse although they’re 42 and separated, high rise condos, empty high rise condos, $$$ kickbacks, horny teachers, teachers that have sex with their students, shady music promoters, starved musicians, .500 football teams or really mediocre football teams, expect at the high school level, cocaine documentaries, string bikinis and people tanning on the beach at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday.
But somewhere in our collective hearts, collective and corruptive hearts, we Miamians have our priorities in order. That’s right, bitch! That’s why David Beckham is still looking for land to bless us with a PROFESSIONAL NORTH AMERICAN SOCCER TEAM, the port tunnel and Perez Art Museum are now open for business, Ultra Music Fest is coming back, Art Basel is alive and well, Dwyane Wade plays once a week, Al Golden is still employed in Coral Gables, Carlos Gimenez rarely leaves his office and Joe Philbin will coach the Miami Dolphins in 2015. Now, get your ass on a plane and come throw $$$$ all over the 305. Just don’t mess with our shades, suntan lotion, bikinis and beach jams. Got it? Viva, Miami!!!!!!!
And it doesn’t matter if you’re a tourist or 305 lifer and still haven’t started on your Christmas list, especially in the age of the Internet, because you still have plenty of time to score yourself, or your mom and sister, among others, some stylish gifts and therefore won’t have to worry about faking a stomach virus at approximately 11:55 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
Men’s Grooming Set: We all have one in the family: a guy that takes way too much time in front of the mirror getting ready. You know: His nails have to be clipped as if he’s headed to a fashion runway and every nose hair has to be out of sight. BOOM! http://www.target.com/p/men-s-grooming-set/-/A
Tea Set: You hardly ever envision your aunt – you know one you haven’t seen in two years- to show up for a little lechon and whiskey at the same time that you’re gathering up all the kids and Jose Feliciano is singing really, really loud in your living room. BOOM! https://pearlriver.com/v3/product.asp?iPic=6904&iC=177
Marvel’s Wonder Man Action Figure: If you’re hosting a Christmas Eve dinner, let’s be real: there’s a good chance you’re going to have a few kids spilling soda on your couch, if not setting your son’s PS4 on fire. No worries! Just settle his ass down with some weird-looking action figure that will keep him busy until his mom decides it’s time to leave. http://www.walmart.com/ip/37079557?
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Charlie’s Angels Women’s T-shirt: You’re sitting at the tiki bar outside, but can barely hold the whiskey in your stomach or the excitement in your pants, because you just looked over your shoulder and saw your sister talking to your ex-girlfriend by the pool. Well, no need to start sweating and stuff, especially if you came prepared. Think about it: She walks away with a new, tight t-shirt and you walk away with the hope of seeing her in the new, tight t-shirt you just gave her. http://www.sonsofgotham.com/charlie-s-angels-retro-group-t-shirts.html?136=3&137=19&gclid=CJ2-6ses2sICFZPm7Aodul4A8Q
Retro Sports T-shirts: There’s always a sports nerd lying around. You know, the guy that is going to interrupt you while you have your mouth full with lechon and yucca to ask you if you think the Dolphins are going to make the playoffs even though the Dolphins have already been eliminated from playoff contention. Well, there’s only one to way to solve that problem… http://www.one10threads.com/
Tags: 305, Miami, 2014, year, Christmas, fake, shopping, t-shirts, sports, women, Miami Dolphins, kids, moms, teachers, kids, students
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email
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