wordbyfernie: Dead or alive: Cole Lockhart , Tom Brady and the

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Thursday, 4 December 2014

Weekend in Miami: Lighting up the Gables, shaking it to Carlos Vives and rooting for the Dolphins; after you Facebook your high school crush, of course

Posted on 10:44 by RAJA BABU

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

I’ll admit: I love social media. Besides, where else can a media savvy-news junkie and very curious guy, who can get down as if he’s employed by the FBI or a divorced woman gathering the deets on some hot dude she met at Starbucks last night, cheat on Kim Kardashian, make sure Tom Brady is still breathing, send Catherine Joy Perry dirty messages (look her up, fool), rub Bill Simmons’ ----, send my 29-year-old soul mate nude pictures and indulge in the fake boobs the girl that used to sit next to me in science class in 1988 recently blessed her chest with, all at the same time?


I LOVE FACEBOOK AND TWITTER!

Alright, maybe I’m trying too hard to impress you since I don’t use Facebook or Twitter, of all places, to send my 29-year-old soul mate nude pictures and dirty up Catherine Joe Perry. But let’s be real: There’s no better place to snoop around, when you’re not actually using the social media platforms to profit from the skills you’ve been blessed with, to gauge the consciousness of everybody from your firefighting neighbor to the bubbly waitress that pours your coffee in the morning, because you really care what she thinks on immigration, and not the way she looks in a tight T-shirt and jeans.

All kidding aside, social media, most notably Facebook, has forever changed the way we not only look at ourselves, but those around us. The horny housewife with three kids that adores Pitbull to the point she can recite the Cuban national anthem, but will never come thisclose to the 305’s favorite son, so she drools over his fan page all day. The firm wife that recently celebrated her 10th wedding anniversary, but feels a bit more secure by keeping tabs on her husband’s Twitter account; The desperate guy that ransacks the 43-year-old women’s photo albums, five minutes after seeing her for the first time since 1987.

They’re all out there, believe me.

But it’s practically impossible to turn down an open invitation, and an entertaining one at that, to see what’s up with the guy that enjoyed making funny noises in your high school history class, the freckled-bookworm behind you in science class, the stuffy batgirl who’s shit apparently didn’t smell in 1989, the fat outcast who’s only mission in life back then, besides eating, was initiating fights, the quiet and beautiful girl in your algebra class, the chunky girl who always happened to be by the ice cream truck at the same time you were, the blonde dude that figured he was halfway to baseball’s Hall of Fame even though he could barely shake the radar gun, the blonde girl that walked around as if she owned the school and the tall brunette that thought so highly of herself she would only speak to you when she needed help in Ms. Chamber’s shorthand class? Hey, we all need a nice chuckle once in a while.

Now, go log in to your man’s account. But hurry, because he’s on the way home, the weekend is almost here….

AND YOU LIVE IN MIAMI!!!!

FRIDAY 12/5: Do you really believe some fat; white bearded-dude in a red suit would enjoy freezing his ass off in the North Pole, when instead he can hang out in shorts and flip flops for a few hours while being surrounded by beautiful people, overseeing the lighting of a Christmas tree? Of course, not!! And Santa Claus is smarter than you think, that’s why he not only sternly request you leave him some milk and cookies under the tree, but will be in Coral Gables, starting at 5 p.m., to make sure all the lights are sparkling when they come on, officially christening the start of the holiday season in the “City Beautiful.” And since this is a family-friendly event and Christmas is right around the corner, make sure to dial up your hot friend and bring all the kiddies so they can start a riot, once they’re exhausted from all the food, carnival rides, face painting and choir music. The tree lighting starts at 7 p.m. And please behave. Merrick Park is in front of City Hall (405 Biltmore Way, www.shopcoralgables.com)

SATURDAY 12/6: Wearing your new Colombian bikini to the beach this morning just didn’t do it for you, even though you’re walking around your Aventura apartment naked and rocking an awesome tan. You’re in the mood to dance and feel the vibe of a full-fledged Colombian fiesta, and don’t care if that means getting home at 4 a.m. smelling of Patron. Well my love….iron your thong, untangle your zipper dress and steer it in the direction of the AAA (601 Biscayne Boulevard, 786-777-1000, www.aaarena.com ) where Carlos Vives, your favorite pop/vallenato star, will be waiting to seduce you with some of his timeless classics like “La Gota Fria” and “Pa’Mayte” in his return to Miami after a lengthy absence. And you’re guaranteed a blast because Vives is riding high off his two Latin Grammy awards thanks to “Mas+Profundo Corazon”, released earlier this year. Start getting ready now cutie; the show starts at approximately 9 p.m.

SUNDAY 12/7: Your favorite professional football team needs your help badly. Yeah you have probably heard that sentence before – like last week – but seriously: The Miami Dolphins need your unconditional support because they’re playing the most important game of the season today against the Baltimore Ravens. This is it; a win and Miami is 8-5 and Ryan Tannehill is telling Lauren to start packing up some coats. A loss and Joe Philbin might as well start making golf reservations for January. This game is so big Philbin won’t have to stutter when he says “playoffs” on Monday morning, if the Dolphins win. This game is so big, there’s plenty of room on the bandwagon, if you want to start riding it now. This big is so big, we can probably fit KimKardashian’s ass somewhere….. (Sun Life Stadium, 2269 NW 199th Street, Miami Gardens, FL, 305-623-6100,www.miamidolphins.com , www.sunlifestadium.com )

Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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