By Fernie Ruano Jr.
That time of year, again. The iPhone 6 on your desk has been vibrating violently in recent days, more than usual. You’re getting text messages from phone numbers you don’t recognize at all times of the day, overnight too. You smile in the mirror every morning, just because; women smile back when you acknowledge them in public, just because. You know a lot of women. You live in Miami.
“Remember the winter of 2011?” recently asked a friend sharing an outdoors table of a popular Coral Gables café before taking a mini sandwich to her mouth. “You’re lucky I’m still here.”
Three years have flown by; the last three months of 2011 were a carnival ride in the dark: spontaneous, adventurous and risqué, the purple yearbook tempting. Sushi with a crush - just once. Ferrari rides with a stranger; Romcoms in the back row of the theatre with a college student. Starbucks twice a week with a single mom; her 8-year-old daughter my student; Sex in the water, homemade cookies, late nights at the bookstore and tears with a beautiful woman; my best friend too.
But you have a girlfriend or a wife; maybe you don’ have a wife or girlfriend. Perhaps she’s just somebody you respect, admire and love so much you can’t find the words to express said love. Either way you’re probably asking yourself the same question: What should I get her for Christmas?
You can go one of two ways, dude: Practical or impractical. Do you feel like you want to satisfy her practical needs? Well, find out what she’s into (reading, biking, jumping out of planes), if you haven’t done so already. By the way, if she’s breathing it means she’s alive and has probably been implying or straight out TELLING YOU what she wants. The impractical, although a bit more complicated, requires you to be great, for the sake of being great: clothes, jewelry, handbags, cookies, books, cars and panties (just kidding, UNLESS SHE’S ALREADY BEEN INTRODUCED TO THE GOLDFISH.. ON YOUR KITCHEN TABLE!!!).
Seriously, just DO your homework, Tito! And if you do it correctly, you will avoid strange silence, weird looks and spending your $$$$$ on some ungrateful bitch who isn’t worth a penny of your time. TRUST ME!!! Now go get ready fool it’s the WEEKEND and you live in MIAMI…
FRIDAY 12/12: It’s less than two weeks ‘til Christmas and there was nothing under your unlit tree when you left your house this morning. DE VERDAD, ASERE? What are you waiting for? Listen… Instead of running to the elevator at 5 p.m. and loosening up your tie before you get in your BMW and call your best buddy because you want to go sit in some dimly-lit lounge and talk to your buddy about your ex-girlfriend until he tells you “I’m out of here, bro…” and turns his back, here’s a suggestion: hit the mall. Yes, any off them. Dadeland; Aventura; Sawgrass Mills; Miami International… You’re way behind and have a lot of work to do. And if you walk through the front doors smiling and all positive and shit, you just might meet a hot single mom who signed off on her divorce papers this afternoon. Dale!! (www.aventuramall.com, www.simon.com)
SATURDAY 12/13: So you scored the hot Puerto Rican mommy last night and even bought her an ice cream before walking her to the car with all her bags. Now look at yourself in the mirror (again) and don’t play that stupid shit about waiting 12 days to call her. Dial up and tell her you have two awesome tickets to see Jose Feliciano, the legendary soulful singer that pulls at the acoustic guitar with reckless abandon. Tell her it’s going to be cool outside and a lot of people at Hialeah Park (2200 E 4th Avenue, 305-885-8000, www.hialeahparkcasino.com) will definitely be in the holiday spirit and in a joyous mood and waiting for Feliciano to wish them “Feliz Navidad”. But your date is Puerto Rican so she probably fell in love in a park when she was a teenager to “Cuando pienso en ti” and “La copa rota”. Do your homework; then watch her sing the songs. And move a little closer. DO IT!!
SUNDAY 12/14: Serena Williams is fast. Serena Williams is also determined and driven. That’s why Serena Williams is a professional tennis player, fashion designer, writer and part-owner of the Miami Dolphins; And a competitive runner on her spare time. But don’t think for a minute Serena is running a 5K once a month and hiding in her Palm Beach mansion. Serena is as serious about running as this dude. Serena is so serious the No. 1 women’s fuzzy ball crusher is hosting the quarter mile/5K Serena Williams Ultimate Run on South Beach, starting at 8 a.m. Alright…. You’re going to have the chance to run alongside Serena (alright maybe) as you bust it on Ocean Drive and through South Beach. And you’re going to nail a Nike tee, meal certificate, refreshments and a goody bag for your sweat beads and effort. Who knows? If you stick around for the post-race party you just might get to hang with Serena. But stay out of her way because Serena has a big …. ($55 for the quarter run, $40 for the 5K, www.theultimaterun.com , 305-538-8899)
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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