By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Not every first date in Miami can possibly begin with you digging your teeth into a $23 piece of bread at some ritzy steakhouse on the southern point of South Beach and end with your tongue inside some hairy-blonde dude’s throat on a rented boat swaying off of Biscayne Bay, if not in the backseat of a black limo with your pink Victoria Secret’s thong down by your ankles and you feeling really, really good.
Let’s be REAL: Aside from having to call your roommate at 3 a.m. for bail money or having your pocket book – or wallet – stolen from some creeper you met online five hours ago, first dates are forever meant to be a little quirky; you know like the first hour you’re alone with him/her and don’t know WTF to do.
But you should feel a little uncomfortable while trying really hard to concentrate on the next piece of that juicy steak on your plate or her beautiful green eyes or whispering in her/his ear because the 23 kids sitting behind you inside the movie theatre in Aventura Mall are making it impossible to hear each other – or looking for another chic at approximately 11:35 p.m. of a date that started at 9 p.m. because you planned a dinner and a movie.
A first date – especially in Miami – should be a little unbalanced my friend, so whip out your wallet and get a creative if you want to …..
MEASURE THE SENSE OF HUMOR BAROMETER: What can be more attractive in a partner than his/her sense of humor? I mean if she accidentally slips her glass of coke all over her white dress and leather handbag and starts laughing, instead of crying, you might have a keeper… And someone who just might get a kick out of going to a comedy show. If she runs up on stage after the comedian calls her up doesn’t dip in her seat after hearing a dirty joke, which includes sex and stuff, chances are you will be making out by your car at 2 a.m. before watching her walk up the stairs …(Ft. Lauderdale Improv, 5700 Seminole Way, 954-981-5653).
GET ADVENTUROUS: The last time she put on a plaid skirt and made insensitive jokes about poor people was 1999 so your private school bitch might be past dreaming about football players all day and just be feeling a lot more adventurous since turning 32. Well, what better way to find out than taking her up in the air for a …skydive. She’s going to squeal; laugh and hang on to you like a 7-year-old girl because she’s really scared and wants to feel how big your arms are. Or she’s going to beg the instructor to bring her back down to the ground. (Miami Skydiving Center, 14005 SW 127TH St, 305-235-3483)
PLAY WITH BULLETS AND STUFF: Is there a bigger turn –on – aside from having Jennifer Lopez and Olivia Munn standing in your kitchen naked at 8 a.m. while you drink your cranberry juice – than a woman who can shoot a gun? Like with bullets and stuff? What better way to find out if you’re going to feel real protected around your chic, especially if you’re the type that starts sweating because the guy with the long hair and bushy beard sitting at the bar gives you dirty looks. And this is also the perfect way to know if you’re chic is really CRAZY. Either way, you win; if you don’t end up in a body bag. (Doral Gun Range, 2105 NW 102 Place, 305-717-3277)
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