Weekend in Miami: Marc Anthony, One Direction and shopping

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

You live in Miami, bitch! And you know its October in the best fuc$^&# area code ever because you can already feel an awesome breeze in your face when you swing open the front doors of your Brickell Avenue office at 5 p.m., after slipping off your Prada pumps and replacing them with neon flip flops from Target to walk across the street and rev up your boyfriend’s BMW.

You’re extra excited because your check was deposited and can’t stop smiling at the guy in the car next to you as you frantically look for your pink iPhone in your Fendi handbag while you’re waiting for the bridge to close, because it’s really important you text your married-best friend Gabriella, who is busy cooking for her husband and four kids, to let her know you’re going to run 12 miles at LA Fitness so you can hop all over your bedroom to get that new leather pencil skirt you bought at Bloomingdales fitting tightly on your ass and go have drinks at Novecento, pero, “If Tito calls, please don’t tell him where I’m at.”

And if you’re orange-Victoria Secret’s thong wasn’t dripping with joy already (from all the running, of course), you just figured out its Friday – that’s one day before Saturday – and are now dancing in the bathroom because when you wake up wasted  from all those Cran-vodkas and call your boss to tell him you’re “very sick", only then will you realize it’s time for ANOTHER WEEKEND IN MIAMI!

So, take a hot shower beautiful because you have plenty of things to do before its Sunday night and you fall asleep naked watching Masters of Sex. And shhh! Tito won’t know a thing… Or Sindy, if you’re name is Justo (please, keep your clothes on) and you too plan to do MIAMI proud this weekend.

FRIDAY 10/3: Listen, baby: It doesn’t matter if you’re doing more cartwheels than Amal Alamuddin or still flaming up all those Cran-vodkas because Latin music superstar, melodramatic tenor and crossover chartbuster Marc Anthony has a way of getting anybody in the mood. El Flaco’s soulful voice and stage bravado during his fully-charged and emotional performances has already reached legendary status. He effortlessly controls the crowd’s emotion with his gymnast-like moves and elongated solos. He’s seductive and riveting, all at once. And Marc Anthony has so much material to cover; he keeps coming back to Miami in support of the “Cambio de Piel” Tour. So, squeeze into that black leather-zipper dress from Bebe and head on over to the AmericanAirlines Arena (601 Biscayne Blvd., 786-777-1000, www.aarena.com ) to shake your beautiful ass to “Hasta Ayer”, “Te Conozco Bien” and “Tu Amor Me Hace Bien.”; “Vivir Mi Vida” too. And don’t forget your leopard-skin flats. You’re going to need them! And tickets (www.ticketmaster.com), of course.

                                        Marc Anthony will seduce you with his soulful voice.

SATURDAY 10/4: What woman with a realvagina and pocketbook doesn’t like to shop? You know shopping, the one exercise which doesn’t require too much sweating, especially inside a well-air conditioned mall, and drives just about every man with a bank account to the psychologist?  Well, leave his sorry ass on the couch drooling to Kirk Herbstreit and point the Beemer in the direction of Dadeland Mall (7535 N. Kendall Dr., wwwwww.simon.com/mall/dadeland-mall), where starting at noon to 5 p.m. Refinery 29, in conjunction with Simon, will host Shopping Block, an event loaded with enough national brands, make-up artists, fashion guides and designers that you’re going to want to rearrange your wardrobe or face. Or both! And if it’s your lucky day, you can get it all back by winning a digital sweepstakes worth $1000 of all kinds of upscale shit.

                                                        Want to see her smiling?

Still got a little bounce in your step? Well, take your new face and leather pants to the AmericanAirlines Arena (see above) for some more Marc Anthony (See above). It’s cool honey, I understand. You were there last night and your boyfriend, who you haven’t seen in 13 days, has tickets for tonight’s show.

SUNDAY 10/5: Your 14-year-old niece has been bugging the shit of you for six months and besides, she has her bra ready to go. Sorry, Mimi...But you need to suck it up and take her to Sun Life Stadium (2269 NW 199^thSt., Miami Gardens, 305-623-6100, www.sunlifestadiun.com), where five of the smartest kids in the world, also known as One Direction, will be waiting to sing to your niece about how cute she is and where they want to kiss her.


And don’t take it very hard; after all some single father with four teenage daughters might be sitting right next to you. And if you’re really smart and the weather is awesome during the day, you should take the new string bikini your French-Canadian boyfriend bought you before you caught him boarding a plane with a Colombian model last weekend and go lay out at South Pointe Park (1 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, FL., 33139, 305-673-7006).


That hot ass of yours could use the tan. Good luck!

 

She decided to go blonde before buying the bikini. I like it.

 

Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.