By Fernie Ruano Jr.
If.
It’s one of the tiniest words in that red, 25-pound Webster dictionary that’s been lying flat on its back in the bookshelf of your bedroom closet since 2003; it’s also one of the most powerful words in the English language and one defined on condition and predicted on a supposition or a qualification.
It hinges on happiness, sorrow, regret and loss. It is filled with endless possibilities that can lead to drastic changes.
Don’t believe it? Take a look around you.
Just this week, we learned Renee Zellweger was so happy with her old face she decided to get a new face even though her new face makes her look much older than her old face and makes her a leading candidate to play a 70-year-old Scarlet Johansson in 2054 or tomorrow.
Russell Wilson, the starting quarterback of your stumbling defending Super Bowl champs Seattle Seahawks, not only isn’t “black enough”, but reeks of being such a brown-nosing company man, according to published reports, that several of his teammates can’t stand seeing him combing his hair, while flipping through pictures of his white girlfriend on his cellphone in the locker room, even though there hasn’t been a notable change in Wilson’s hair or girlfriend since the fall of 2013, when the Seahawks were kicking everybody’s ass on their way to hoisting the Lombardi Trophy.
And Joe Madden, the same Joe Madden who has been lathered with praise as if it was free Coconut Butter lotion being handed out by Tom Verducci over the past decade for managing the frugalicious Tampa Bay Rays to a 754-705 record and one World Series appearance, has decided to exercise an opt-out clause in his contract and is leaving the team immediately.
And will in all likelihood be popping up on your TV screen next winter in a Braves’ uniform while running his fingers through his white hair and wearing thick-rimmed glasses as he answers questions with honest and well-thought out answers in another of one of the most informative postgame press conferences ever.
But in the meantime, what if I told you LeBron is infatuated with his receding hairline and Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love have never played in an NBA playoff game; Joakim Noah has a scary new game and the same scary old face; Chris Bosh loves Miami as much as Miami loves Chris Bosh or until he goes 2-for-11 from 3-point range against the Bulls in November;
And Kobe Bryant believes NBA players don’t make enough $$$$, even though Kobe Bryant, who is now 36 and will be crying himself to sleep because Steve Nash – Steve Nash – is nowhere to be found, will be making $24 million this season.
What if I told you the 2014-15 NBA Season tips off is thisclose; And if….
Bucks: If it was 1983 and Sidney Moncrief was running the point, not Kendall Marshall, perhaps Jason Kidd wouldn’t have signed an endorsement deal with Pepsi. Watch your step.
Sixers: If Michael Williams-Carter wins the scoring title, Philadelphia could be staring at 28 wins. And if they get any younger they can go celebrate his next birthday at Chucky E. Cheese.
Timberwolves: If Andrew Wiggins doesn’t like playing Play Station he should start now.
Jazz: If Gordon Hayward added 15 pounds of muscle, the Jazz would increase their chances of being on Sports Center a lot more this season, while Jay Harris makes fat jokes at 1:15 a.m.
Celtics: If Rajon Rondo gets traded to the Knicks before January, Spike Lee can start dreaming of attending at least one playoff game in 2015; In New York.
Lakers: If Kobe Bryant though playing with Pau Gasol was painful...
Magic:If Victor Oladipo doesn’t fix his face real soon he might end up looking like Renee by mid-January.
Kings: If the Kings get a new arena in Sacramento and DeMarcus Cousins really, really decides to grow up and stuff. Well, if DeMarcus…
Pistons: If Stan Van Gundy really, really loves his family he would have stayed retired.
Nuggets: If Danilo Gallinari, JaVale McGee, Tyson Chandler, Ty Lawson and Nate Robinson all stay healthy and play at least 60 games together…
Pacers: If Paul George could fly away …
Pelicans: If Anthony Davis averages 24/10 and Tyreke Evans doesn’t throw anybody through a window in the next six months, the Pelicans will make the playoffs…
Suns: If you’re watching a Suns’ game and need to go to the bathroom please hold it for a few seconds, unless you don’t mind missing something.. Phoenix plays fast; very fast.
Rockets: If James Harden starts playing defense with the ferociousness of a man that takes great care of his beard and Dwight Howard stops laughing….
Nets: If Deron Williams suffers a relapse and thinks it’s 2009…
Grizzlies: If Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph start snorting paint as much as they enjoy controlling it…
Hawks: If Al Horford doesn’t crumble in a million pieces in the middle of an airport…
Hornets: If Michael Jordan stays as far away as possible…
Mavericks: If Monta Ellis and Chandler Parsons don’t beat each other up over the ball while Dirk Nowitzki smokes a cigarette in the corner of the locker room….
Blazers: If LaMarcus Aldrige would get angry at his teammates just once..
Heat: If Chris Bosh starts missing a lot of 3’s
Raptors: If big man Jonas Valanciunas plays as long as his last name..
Warriors: If Golden State gets home-court advantage throughout the entire playoffs..
Thunder: If Kevin Durant can return sooner rather than later…
Wizards:If Paul Pierce is reduced to garbage minutes all will be well …
Clippers: If Blake Griffin doesn’t regress….
Bulls: If Derrick Rose doesn’t step on a piece of glass…
Cavs:If Kyrie Irving stays out of the way…
Spurs: If Gregg Popovich doesn’t quit in January…
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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