By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Somewhere right now in Miami, the same place where at 6:07 a.m. this morning an alleged sports talk radio host officially thanked the New England Patriots for participating in the 2014-15 season while his rich-female sidekick agreed while making really annoying voices in the background, a balding father of two in camouflage shorts and very tight Dan Marino jersey is hovering over his 12 spicy chicken wings and laughing out loud with his buddies at the bar.
“Oh my God, dude! They’re done!” says the balding father of two, forgetting it’s 7:45 p.m. and his wife told him when he left the house she needed the eggs and ground beef by 8. “Did you see them against the Chiefs? The Patriots are garbage!”
That’s about all really, really diehard Dolphins’ “fans” have going for them after all these years – finding joy in an archrival’s misery, since they’re favorite football team is smothered in it. And will finish 8-8 (again), fire their head coach (again) and start a starting quarterback search (again) in approximately four months, while the Patriots will play deep into January (again) and seriously challenge Denver and San Diego for the right to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl.
But there’s still over a week before the Dolphins lose by more than a touchdown to the Green Bay Packers and fuel your need for Matt Moore, so what better way to spend the bye-week, other than getting more barbeque sauce on your aqua shorts with that happy-looking dolphin on it, than reading about the Top-5 reasons the hairy Miami Heat – you know, the team you’re not so crazy about anymore – are screwed or primed for another championship run, only this time without you know who.
And stop laughing and making really bad jokes about that Akron kid’s hairline, already. I mean: Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?
CHRIS BOSH: He received 118 million reason$$$$ to love Miami a little more and Houston a little less. Now, all Bosh has to do is not only prove he can be the centerpiece of the franchise for the next five years, but demand shots – a lot of shots – in the Heat’s offensive scheme. Hugging the perimeter and circling the paint was a nice added dimension to his game, but LeGone is in Cleveland and Bosh has to live up to his new $$$$$. And while Bosh was the go-to-guy for years in Toronto, just making the playoffs in Miami will not satisfy a demanding organization and fan base.
DWYANE WADE: Word is somewhere in between walking off the court in San Antonio in June and marrying Gabrielle Union in a winery farm in August, the Heat’s poster boy, again, decided to go on a strenuous diet for the sake of his really, really old body and creaky knees. Wade’s new and improved eating habits are such a top secret in the 305 he refused to give his official playing weight when asked during the team’s recent Media Day. But whether he’s replaced sirloin with California Rolls, Wade is once again option 1A on this roster until further notice, so he can wave the ‘Maintenance Program’ adios, if Miami is to have any chance of being a top-tier contender. Whatever he has left in the tank, the Heat needs it... BADLY
ERIC SPOELSTRA: His backdrop story is heartwarming and motivational, but the spotlight will be burning more than ever on the former intern’s designer suits and LeGone won’t be anywhere near, no matter which way he turns to look on the bench. Can Spo come up with a creative offensive scheme that turns Bosh loose, reduces the load on Wade and gives birth to a third option? He’s been warned by Pat Riley about the need to reinvent himself, so Spoelstra is under the gun to prove himself without you know who as well.
DEFENSIVE PHILOSOPHY: Even with the guy now walking around Cleveland looking like a mustard bottle, the Heat prided itself on creating offense through their defense. They suffocated opponents to the point loose balls and turnovers going the other way were a given with LeGone on the court. Not anymore. This is not a very athletic team or young one, so it’s difficult to expect guys rotating and flying around as well as in the past four years.
THE EAST: Losing the best player in the world not only crippled the defending champions, but made the Cavaliers serious title contenders, and PLEASE forget whatever the talking heads are blabbering. Any team with LeGone, Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love – baring a season-ending injury to any of them – is going to challenge for the big price. Chicago, Washington, Toronto and perhaps even Brooklyn, if a few things break right, are a better bet than the Heat to start off the 2014-15 season. Which reminds me.. The Heat will be the No. 5 seed in the Eastern Conference.
Now, don’t be a sore loser and put on your tight white shirt and sunglasses, and go to the game... please.
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