By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Have you ever been teased after lunch on the sidewalk of a major avenue in Coral Gables by a sassy- former schoolmate with apparently no regard for how fast your blood was flowing and figured it would be really funny to turn you on even more by going out of the way to point out her fresh pedicure?
Well, join the club Mickey because I could barely control the chaos going on behind the zipper of my Perry Ellis-slim fit jeans when she intercepted small-talk before looking down at her exposed blood-red toenails and without hesitation asking me, “Fernie, do you like them?”
I did and she knew I did, since I had told her in a prior conversation days before meeting with her that a woman with a fresh manicure, pedicure and no hair, anywhere, would just about drive me crazy – as well as a woman in washed jeans, flip flops, fitted-white tee, leather pencil skirt, maxi dress, yoga pants,long sleeve dri fit and short shorts.
Seriously: If she has a pulse and a real nose, and is blonde and pale-toned, there’s a strong possibility I’m going to pick up my pace on Miracle Mile in hopes of at least getting a good look. But it doesn’t mean, I am not picky and don’t have my own pet peeves about women in Miami or anywhere for that matter.
TOO MUCH MAKEUP: Are these girls headed to a Barnum & Bailey Circus audition at AmericanAirlines Arena? That’s the question I ask myself over and over, especially when I’m walking down Miracle Mile at 1:30 p.m. on any weekday. I know sometimes your girl thinks you don’t know she’s wearing makeup, and that’s the way it should be. I mean: It’s hotter than Mimi’s ass in Miami and I’m tired of telling a woman there’s liquid eyeliner on top of her hamburger bun. I realize for some of you life is all about keeping MAC in business, but please…
WHITE JEANS: Alright, alright, alright…With a few exceptions, like you just won the lottery, bought floor season tickets to the Miami Heat and your 50-year-old Cuban husband buys his T-shirts in the junior’s section at Macy’s, your white jeans should be folded neatly in your drawer or hanging in your tia’s closet. Yes, white is hot on a woman, especially in Miami where she can flaunt it and stand out with an array of pastel and multicolored tops to match. But please leave your white jeans behind. And if you MUST, please wear a WHITE thong. POR FAVOR!!
IF YOU CAN’T WALK IN THEM...: I would rather walk down Brickell Avenue with a barefooted woman, than one painfully struggling because she can barely take a step in her too small and way-too-tight heels. I get it. High heels shine the spotlight on those legs you dedicate 24 hours a week to at LA Fitness, pero mija I rather see you walking straight and in flip flops, instead of in a walker by the time you’re 50. Pump it up!
A LOT OF BRACELETS: I can hear you coming from a mile way. Yes, I can. Don’t get offended or anything. I like a woman who mixes and matches her bracelets because it shows a little creativeness and attitude. But 10 bracelets on each wrist are definitely way too much. And it seems to be an incurable disease among Latin women, who insist on jiggling their way through the produce section at Publix. In fact: I’ve recently seen two Latin artists perform on live television and their bracelets created a beautiful clave.
TOE RINGS: I understand some of you stand for things others of you don’t. But keep your LOUD statements to yourself and your toe rings safely tucked in your jewelry box, please. And besides, it’s so 199o and not really suitable if you’re like over 30.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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