By Fernie Ruano Jr.
We’re thisclose to November, you know when the girl who sat next to you in shorthand class in 1989 and the same girl you wanted so bad you would start stuttering around all your friends, while standing by the lockers in the hallway as soon as you saw her walking by, decides it’s a great time of the year to call you because the holiday season is coming up on her so fast she can smell it on the Victoria Secret’s thong she wore to the office this morning. And all her friends, including her best friend who is married with four kids and bakes a lot of cookies, are blissfully in love.
It’s that time of year when you climb on the second step of the ladder inside your garage and reach in vain for the three boxes stacked in the corner of the shelf in hopes of knocking down the one with all your Thanksgiving table clothes and red-Christmas tree balls in it, before accidentally tipping over the box with all your high school yearbooks, and proceed to spend the next two hours shaking your head and laughing out loud because you can’t figure out if that’s the same Patty Alvarez you used to see by the ice cream truck during lunch after searching for her on Facebook; or if that’s really Joan Montoto since her pop tarts are thisclose to exploding through the white tee she’s wearing.
It’s that time of year when you put the zipper dress, sneakers and workout clothes taking up space in your closet, and that you bought your crush two years ago after seeing her for the first time since 1989, in a large garbage bag and by the side of the road for it to be discarded forever.
It’s that time of year when you shouldn’t be wasting your energy on shit you can’t do anything about, like being single since 2012, the dent on the passenger’s door of your 2014 BMW and the costume you’re going to wear to the Halloween party at your boss’ house tomorrow night since it’s the WEEKEND and you, for God’s sake, live in MIAMI and in all honesty shouldn’t have a FU#%$&* minute to spare for ANYBODY; For real.
FRIDAY 10/31: Are you one of those women who like to procrastinate to the point its 7:30 p.m. on Halloween night and you still haven’t decided on a costume or forgot all about it because you’ve been sitting at the Clevelander (1020 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach, FL., 305-532-4006) drinking mojitos since 1:30 p.m. after calling your boss at 7:30 a.m. to tell him you had a vicious head cold? Well, don’t sweat the costume and go home to take a cold shower before putting on the tiniest outfit you can find and make a beeline for the Playboy Halloween Masquerade. Alright, alright…. In all honesty you’re not going to bump into Hugh Hefner, but there’s a chance you get close enough to all the long-legged models walking around the pool that you could be living out a dream by 2 a.m. But don’t forget to wear a mask in case you end up doing shots at your boss’ house at 5 a.m. and don’t want him to recognize you. (SLS Hotel – Hyde Beach – 1701 Collins Ave., 305-674-1701, $30-$50)
SATURDAY 11/1: For all of Miami’s glamor, silicon and palm trees, Coconut Grove, the oldest and coziest continuously-inhabited neighborhood in this beautiful city, just carries on unappreciated. Incorporated in 1919, the Grove is rustic and unsophisticated enough that people of all ages and backgrounds make it a meeting point on weekends. And tonight you too have a very good reason to soak the old neighborhood up as Coconut Grove F.A.M. Night, a fusion of arts, music and fashion, will take over the streets with so many galleries open and trunk shows popping you’re going to get wasted on wine and cheese; lots of wine and cheese. And organizers are so high … on expectations they plan to host the event every first Saturday of the month until June 2015. Just think: You can walk up and down Commodore Plaza with your hubby and kiddies and buy a lot of stuff; and eat like a pig. And it’s free! Coconut Grove F.A.M. Night (3300 SW 27th Ave., www.coconutgrove.com, 305-664-4680)
SUNDAY 11/2: The San Diego Chargers last played a football game on October 23, which means their starting quarterback, Phillip Rivers, has had plenty of time to make love to his wife and perhaps set the stage for child No. 13 in the Rivers’ household to be roaming around the kitchen by August of 2015. Just kidding, the Rivers only have five children or something like that. And that in itself should explain why Rivers is always so FREAKING angry all the time since avoiding 300-pound defensive tackles in order to buy $1500 of Pampers a week isn’t an easy way to make a living, especially if you’re coming off a loss to the Denver Broncos and will already be red as a tomato by the time you get off the team plane in Miami; And getting off the plane with a lot of weapons. So, your bipolar Miami Dolphins – the team that makes you want to cut the grass for your wife on any given Sunday and makes you want to cheat on her the following Sunday – will have quite a task staring them in the face at Sun Life Stadium (2269 NW 199thStreet, Miami Gardens, www.sunlifestadium.com) in what stacks up as a make or break game because 5-3, instead of 4-4, will look and sound a lot better at the mid-point of the season; even if you’re clueless enough to think the Dolphins can win the AFC East or make the playoffs.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then… You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook) and visit http://www.latinbeatsvibe.blogspot.com . Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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