By Fernie Ruano Jr.
It’s finally here and also halfway done: The day you let your voice be heard by leaving your job early to go stand in line for three hours to possibly cast a vote for a gubernatorial candidate who not too long ago refused to come to the podium for the start of a debate because he – unlike his opponent – didn’t have a fan by his feet; a very $$$$ congressional candidate who allegedly finds it difficult to keep track of all his campaign contribution$$$$; and the right to smoke medical marijuana until you start turning green and/or get out of your wheelchair, put your running shoes on and go for a 7-mile run.
So, no matter what you my fellow American and Florida resident do today while hiding in a plastic cubicle for approximately 10 minutes – if you haven’t voted already and will be home by 6 p.m. to cook dinner for your husband and/or wife, ransack your child’s backpack and tuck him/her into bed an hour later – it appears your plans to retire to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina by 2036 are right on schedule, unless you intend to walk around high as a kite, feed ducks and homeless people sitting right next to each other whenever you try visiting a park and be on suicidal watch 22 years from now because you’re 65 and still “living” in Miami.
But since Rick Scott doesn’t really care that you’re a single mom with two kids and working until 7 p.m. every day to make ends meet and stay out of debt, and I care for politics as much as I care for the 18-year-old girl I slept with in 1994, here are the Top-5 Latin restaurants in Miami where you can have an economical meal and lively discussion.
And stay classy, please…. Nobody cares that you were classmates with Joe Garcia in third grade, especially if you raise your voice to the point everybody in the restaurant is looking at you while you act like a 12-year-old and pieces of a half-chewed croqueta run down both sides of your mouth.
Versailles: Are you in the mood to offer up your opinion on Latin American politics, in between bites of your ham croqueta and swigs of your batido de mamey as you try in vain not to lose your corner spot of the outside-window of an iconic-Miami restaurant? Yes? Well, this is the perfect place to bite into an enormous Cuban sandwich, savor una sopa de platano and wear your politico hat. But don’t mention Fidel or your diet. Besides, he’s as dead as your diet will be by the time you bury your face into one of those huge menus. And there’s always tomorrow. (3555 SW 8th Street, 305-444-0240)
Sergio’s: If you dig talking about politics anywhere, you’re probably very sociable and willing to tap somebody in the shoulder – or scream at the table right across from you – to start a conversion. No problem, my friend. It’s always loud and chatty in this lively gastronomic haven where they feed you as if you just arrived in Miami after spending a year at war and without Cuban food. THE PORTIONS ARE HUGE!! The breaded chicken steak looks like a small child on a crib, especially when it’s laid out over a bed of white rice and black beans. And not to be outdone: The breaded ground steak is so big and tender it reminds me of my Cuban girlfriend’s …. Smile! (3252 SW 22ND St., 305-529-0047)
El Arepazo: What tiny restaurant behind a gas station with a huge parking lot do you think hundreds of thousands of Venezuelans, including some of the most statuesque women in this beautiful city, crammed into when Hugo Chavez bit the dust? You guessed it.. Whether they’ve been here 5 years or 5 days, Venezolanos can go to work on authentic foods like arepas drenched in cheese and chicken empanadas so fried dough is bursting no matter which way you hold it. (10191 NW 58th St., 786-594-0723)
Doggi’s: This tiny and cozy apera-scented palace of carbohydrates is a short spit from Brickell so it’s frequented by the young and hip; therefore a lot of them are talking about what Venezuela will possibly look like in 2025, not today. And if they're here it’s probably because it’s really late and they’re starving after a night out dancing, on a long lunch after a board meeting or just arriving from Caracas and craving a smothered hot dog. And celebrating because they’re staying in Miami, forever….. (1246 Coral Way, 305-854-6869)
El Palacios de los Jugos: Are you on a diet this very second? Well, drop that wheat pita with whatever that brown stuff is inside of it, because there is absolutely no way you can bypass an entire afternoon stuffing your face inside this generous place of food sections, which are routinely stuffed to the brim with mounds of rice, pork, seafood, boiled yucca and chicharrones (greasy pork rinds, not brownnosers). And you can’t possibly leave this buzzy farmer’s market/everyman-for-himself-carb fest without trying to get the attention of one of the ladies behind the counter and ordering a half-gallon of mamey juice; any juice…. (Flagler Street & 57th Avenue, 305-264-8662)
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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