NFL WINNERS AND LOSERS: Yay Cleveland!!!!

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

Madonna was winning MTV music awards. OJ Simpson was five days shy of being a free man for the time being. And eBay was three weeks old.

It was also September 24, 1995 and the Bill Belichick-led Cleveland Browns – yes, the CLEVELAND BROWNS! – were in sole possession of the AFC North. It was also the last time the Cleveland Browns, then-quarterbacked by a very handsome and accurate guy who has a son who walked on Texas Tech (Vinnie Testaverde) and led in rushing by a current Miami-sports radio host (Leroy Hoard), were good at anything on a football field, before losing 10 of their next 12 games to fall out of sight and eventually out of the city famous for keeping Elton John’s Hall of Fame plaque above room temperature. And LeBron James (again).

But the Cleveland Browns – the Brian Hoyer-led Cleveland Browns – are 6-3 and in first place in the AFC North, today; like right now. Go take a look! No matter if you turn your computer or newspaper (if you still read those) upside down, the result will be the same: The CLEVELAND BROWNS are in first place. And ESPN’s favorite quarterback since Robert Griffin III is still sitting on the bench. LIFE IS GREAT!!! LIFE IS GREAT!! LIFE IS GREAT!!!

DETROIT LIONS:  Hundreds are walking around jobless and the economy sucks, but leave it to Calvin Johnson (7 receptions, 113 yards) to give an entire city and football team a lift – with one hand. Megatron is healthy, running over people and catching footballs with one hand; and kicking the Dolphins in the balls, while he’s at it. Now, if Nick Fairly ever gets back….

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: If you were summoned out of the country in the middle of October and lost your computer bag with your cellphone in it, you, like hundreds of thousands of others who keep the Four-Letter-Network on speed dial, probably think the Seattle Seahawks are all buried behind the Starbucks on 102 Pike Street. And what you probably didn’t know is Marshawn Lynch still wants to get paid and since Marshawn Lynch still wants to get paid he is now running over defenders and Russell Wilson is playing clean football because a dude with really awesome hair…

CLEVELAND BROWNS: Alright, it isn’t 1995 and Vinnie Testaverde and Bill Belichick are certainly not walking through that door, but all Cleveland sports fans should still be drinking or having sex, or both, with their respective partners because Brain Hoyer is still alive, you recently found out the Browns’ head coach Mike Pettine, is still alive and really exist after reading his name on the internet and LeBron James – LEBRON JAMES! – is still on your side.

ARIZONA CARDINALS: The Cardinals are all thanking their respective Gods for allowing John Brown to be on their team. But unfortunately for Arizona, the man above can’t do anything about Carson Palmer, who is out for the season with an ACL tear. And now Drew Stanton is your QB. That really hurts!!

MIAMI DOLPHINS: Mike Wallace is really fast. Ryan Tannehill lacks arm strength. Branden Albert is done for the season. The Dolphins should look to trade Wallace for a possession receiver, prepare a life insurance policy for Tannehill immediately and start making vacations plans for early-January.

Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.