By Fernie Ruano Jr.
If you live in Miami and have been going to sleep in the same chocolate ice cream-dotted, “Heat” boxers shorts since 2004, the first text message you sent your girlfriend this morning as you drove to work on I-95 was “Babe, LeBron James SUCKS!! Did you see how Cleveland lost another game?” even though you went to bed at 10 p.m. and had no idea James dropped 31 points on the Utah Jazz, including a 3-pointer and three free throws in the final minute, in the Cavs’ 102-100 at-the-buzzer loss last night, and are in dire need of new “Heat” boxers shorts and a new girlfriend since she didn’t respond until 11:13 a.m.
And you probably can’t wait to pull up a stool at your favorite bar tonight because you’re just dying to tell all 12 of your preppy friends how awesome Shabazz Napier is after watching 13 minutes of Miami’s 96-89 loss to Charlotte, but failed to realize the Heat’s rookie point guard was 2-for-7 from the floor and committed 5 fouls in 26 minutes of play, while continuing to build on his legacy of fouling 3-point shooters. And your newly-minted franchise player Chris Bosh was 2-for-7 in the fourth quarter, including a – you guessed it – 27-foot three-point attempt to end the game.
But all is well in Miami because the Heat is 3-2, it’s the first week of November and half of “Heat Nation” is home with tears in their eyes watching Eric Reid tell them for the 672nd time how much Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem love Miami, and how much heart they have; And won’t start complaining until December 9 when the Heat gets blown out at Phoenix and Bosh scores 6 points. For now though, Miami is the fourth-seed in the Eastern Conference – just because we know you keep track of such things – and isn’t wearing the same sneakers as Philadelphia (0-5), Los Angeles (0-5), Orlando (1-4), Indiana (1-4) and Oklahoma City (1-4).
LAKERS: In Game 6 of the 1980 NBA Finals, Magic Johnson, a rookie point guard turned center in place of a hobbled Kareem Abdul Jabber, had 42 points, 15 rebounds and 7 assists to help the Lakers close out the Philadelphia 76ers and win the world championship. And Kobe Bryant was 1. And playing in a crib, with no FREAKING idea he would be part of one of the worst teams in NBA history 34 years later, and one silently tanking because if not why would any coach in their right mind play Kobe, Wesley Johnson, Carlos Boozer, Jordan Hill and Jeremy Lin at the same time? At worst, Kobe can count every single dollar of his $24 million while eating California Rolls at Boss in Beverly Hills and treating his waitress really bad.
SIXERS: Speaking of tanking, the 76ers not only welcome it, the once proud franchise of Dr. J, Moses Malone, Charles Barkley and Allen Iverson embraces it. They took a team that was on the verge of the playoffs and blew it up by trading for a player (Nerlens Noel) who was fit to rehab the entire season. They cleaned house again during the summer and have made such an art of working around the NBA Lottery by-laws their entire front office should be extended an invitation to spend an entire winter in Secaucus, New Jersey, while writing checks to every single one of their season-ticket holders, if they have any left.
MAGIC: If you have nothing else to do in Orlando and for some odd reason still believe in the Magic, at least you know your favorite professional basketball team can beat the Philadelphia 76ers at the buzzer on a jumper by Tobias Harris…. Well, since it happened last night. But go take another selfie with Mickey because any team which trails the Philadelphia 76ers – the PHILADELPHIA 76ERS – by a point after the first quarter….
PACERS: The Pacers are stuck with a makeshift lineup and Paul George is rehabbing. Things are so bad the Pacers just signed free agent guard Gal Mekel to patch up their backcourt. But at least Indiana still has Frank Vogel, a coach who is constantly making tweaks and strategizing with his rotations. And George Hill, who is the team’s best transition player behind George, can be used to run more cuts whenever he returns from… you guessed it, a left knee contusion.
THUNDER: Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant will be back in due time, but it’s coach Scott Brooks all OKC fans should be worried about. Brooks recently tried to deflect the team’s recent injury woes by telling the press he loved his players so much he would play, if the team suffered another serious setback. And he probably couldn’t be any worse on the court in baggy shorts than sitting on the bench in a designer’s suit. Now, close your eyes and imagine Scott Brooks leading a fast break in baggy shorts.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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