By Fernie Ruano Jr.
If you live in Miami, the blunt bangs you worked on for 15 minutes in front of your bathroom mirror or brown wingtip shoes you bought at the mall this weekend didn’t look quite the same after you raced from your front door to your car this morning because chances are you got poured on to the point you came thisclose to calling in sick and sneaking back into bed. And read a paragraph or two of the “Hurricane Season” manual that’s been collecting dust and mushroom stains in the top drawer of your nightstand because we’re not totally out of the woods yet, and rain is forecasted for the rest of the week.
But just because you won’t be able to work on your suntan doesn’t mean you have to hide underneath your covers and pray, watch the Rachael Ray Show on a loop or have endless sex with your partner for the rest of the week because there are so many outdoor activities in the 305 to lose yourself in, you might forget your best friend lives in Alaska. Just remember to pack your umbrella.
WATCH A MOVIE…LIKE A BALLER: Yes, you have HBO and Showtime, but have already watched Bradley Cooper shit all over himself in “The Word” like 28 times and frankly, popping your own bag of popcorn requires you stand in front of the microwave in the kitchen watching the seconds tick down. And getting your feet cold. F$%k THAT! Pick your ass up and go to the Paragon Grove (3015 Grand Ave., 305-446-6843) in Coconut Grove, where you will be able to have snacks brought to you by staffers and get smashed on beer and/or wine. Well, not really but you will be able to pick a really good seat from your cellphone while you drive to the theatre. And perhaps meet your future spouse while flirting all over Coconut Grove.
SIT BY A WINDOW READING A BOOK AND SIPPING COFFEE, BITCH…: If you’re somewhat creative, have a little soul in your bones and can spell your name and your name is Joan, you probably enjoy reading while sipping a Vanilla latte or any other hot beverage of choice. So, instead of staying all crunched up in the corner of your sofa looking at the dark skies from your sliding door, you should get in your car and drive to Barnes & Nobles ( 152 Miracle Mile, Coral Gables., 305-446-4152) and unwind reading about Renee’s new face, lip-synching to Gloria’s “Mi Tierra”, sipping some coffee, telling the 55-year-old Cuban woman in the tight skirt and screaming on her cellphone to please keep it down and flirting with the Colombian girl – or dude – by the condiments table – all from your corner spot in the café shop.
WORK ON YOUR PUTTER: No dude, Doral is out of the question because it’s way too $$$$ and probably underwater if your Converse sneakers are making funny noises. But you can hit balls through a bunch of fun gadget holes at the Coral Gables Museum (285 Aragon Ave., 305-603-8067) while slightly boozed up because they sell beer on the premises. And if you’re hungry and can’t really afford a DUI on your record there is food for sell to munch on.
PRETEND YOU’RE MIGUEL CABRERA: No, dork! This doesn’t mean you have to buy three bottles of Captain Morgan and sit by Biscayne Bay by yourself. Besides, Miggy has really cleaned up his act since he left Miami and Jeffrey Loria’s cheap ass behind a few years ago. But if you played high school baseball in like 1995 and are one of those who like to brag about how hard you can swing a bat, especially in front of your partner… Hitter’s Hangout (12950 SW 85THAve, 305-253-3139) is clean, the machines fire strikes faster than Clayton Kershaw and you will be well-hidden from the rest of the amateur baseball players, just in case you too swing and miss at 20 straight pitches. And your girlfriend laughs hysterically while saying, “Babe, what team did you play on?”
DRIVE TO KEY BISCAYNE AND …. Alright, it’s not exactly an indoors activity but what better time to drive with your partner to the edges of Key Biscayne, turn off the car, open the windows and get a little risqué? Besides, if you’re here it’s because it’s raining, you’ve been drinking all day and it’s late and dark. And you’re very …..(28 Harbor Point Drive, Key Biscayne)
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
0 comments:
Post a Comment