(Editor’s Note: You’re allowed to read on, if you’re a dude and love Miami. Remember, reading does the body good, no matter if you drive a BMW or ride a bicycle to work.)
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Be honest….you have checked out at work, even though you’re staring at a stack of files on your desk so high you can barely see the coffee mug with your husband’s face on it and the hottie who sits across from you. But you’re not really worried if Juanita, who has already called the clinic three times today to complain about a merciless backache, gets her prescription on time because right now your brain is consumed with the smell of turkey, the ingredients for a homemade carrot cake and a truckload of folding tables and steel chairs, not alleviating some old lady’s back before Thanksgiving.
And let’s be real: At 2:30 p.m. next Thursday, you’re probably going to be in your kitchen in a Hello Kitty hoodie and white short shorts, and nothing else, as you keep an eye on the turkey cooking in the oven, make sure your hubby is hosing down the patio furniture, check up on little Ryan, who is next door playing basketball with his best friend, stretch out your plaid dress on the bed and start telling yourself you really, really like the 75 people who will be at your house by 7:30 p.m. eating like pigs, talking loudly and putting plastic plates aside, because heaven forbid they don’t leave your pad with a doggy bag.
But regardless of the mess left behind by the people who are going to be diving into your pool, naked, at approximately 3:30 a.m. next Friday, you’re extremely thankful because your paycheck was deposited into your bank account today, your best friend just threw a Victoria Secret’s catalog on your desk and there’s a Macy’s right across the street from your office. And your husband isn’t coming home until Sunday night.
FRIDAY 11/21: Your soul mate, best friend and husband, whenever he’s home, has been a Miami Dolphins freak his entire life. In fact: He was wearing orange and aqua Zubaz pants when you met him for the first time at Arbetter’s in summer of 1989. So, what better way to welcome him back home than with a Hugo Boss Parfum football signed by his favorite football player ever, Dan Marino? Just get to the Dadeland Macy’s with plenty of time to spare and be one of the first 200 customers in line to purchase $72 or more of Hugo Boss Fragrance, and you will get a Hugo Boss Parfum football autographed by the man himself. And if you behave like a respectful woman, and not some desperate slut who hasn’t had sex in three weeks, you might get to meet Marino for a few seconds. If you’re really brave and hot you can try slipping him your number, because after all we know Danny is known to fool around once in a while. But if all you want is an autograph and some awesome cologne for your husband you can purchase your ticket right now. It’s actually recommended you do so… Event starts at 6 p.m. (http://www.hugoboss.com)
Got it? You got an autograph on a miniature football and can barely read it, but Marino made eye contact with you so you’re so relaxed you want to sit in a corner of a bookstore with a hot coffee and get Ryan’s homework out of the way… Barnes & Noble in the Gables (152 Miracle Mile, 305-446-4152) should definitely be your destination to close out the evening and iron out your weekend while you help the little guy with his homework and flirt with the blonde dude sitting across from you because you know he owns the Porsche parked outside and he’s not wearing a wedding band. Like that ever stopped ….
SATURDAY 11/22: You’re feeling sexy and sensual in front of your glass mirror in the skinny jeans and white blouse you bought at Macy’s last night. And you’re smirking because you just turned 44 and can’t believe a college baseball player was flirting with you at the bakery this morning. You’re short and the breast implants you got in 2010 are still going strong, so you don’t really look your age and you prey on young dudes. And you’re in the mood for lots and lots of wine or any other alcoholic beverage your fine heart desires. Do it at the Miami Fine Wine & Spirits Festival at Peacock Park (2820 McFarlane Rd., Coconut Grove), where for $25 you can sample wine and booze from approximately 250 brands, EAT Greek and Mexican cuisine because you should never leave a festival drunk, eat chocolate because you’re a woman, and dance to the vibrant beats of a resident DJ. You can also pretend to be really important for a few hours by going VIP ($59 for one day, $69 for both days) and drink unlimited beer and wine. And parking is free, so at least your best friend will know where you parked your car, unless she also is struggling to stay on her feet by 4:30 p.m. and is begging the Colombian fireman she met 20 minutes ago for his phone number …. (Saturday and Sunday, 10 a.m. – 6 p.m.)
Just like you, Flamenco, the folk music of the Andalusia region in southern Spain, is so hot it can warm anybody’s soul and get them to dance. It can make you feel good. It can make you feel sexy. It can get you to be a little naughty. And nobody sells it better than Diego El Cigala, the rail-thin fireball who interprets Flamenco with such gusto it has allowed him to travel the world three times over exposing his gypsy fusions. He also has a soft spot for Cuban classics of yesteryear like “Lagrimos Negras”. Show starts at 7 p.m. (Fillmore, 1700 Washington Avenue, 305-673-7300. www.fillmoremb.com, $38.50-$78.50)
SUNDAY 11/23: The last time your favorite basketball team, the Miami Heat, stepped on their home floor they got whipped on the glass in route to a loss at the hands of the Milwaukee Bucks. Enter the Charlotte Bobcats, who despite losing earlier this week to the Indiana Pacers, have Al Jefferson, Cody Zeller and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist on their side and will definitely give the Heat trouble underneath the glass. But you can drink a lot of rum and pretend the Heat is going to be playing in the NBA Finals for the fifth consecutive season. Anyhow…be in your seat by 6 p.m. so the game won’t look like shit on TV. You know because most of you who were begging for tickets last year wouldn't come within 100 feet of the AAA now, even if Beyonce was standing outside of the arena naked promoting a new record... (AmericanAirlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., 786-777-1000, www.aaarena.com, www.miamiheat.com, $15-$340)
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