By Fernie Ruano Jr.
It really doesn’t matter that you will be able to read the Victoria Secret’s catalog from cover to cover while you’re stuck for 20 minutes at the stoplight on NE 195th Street and Biscayne Boulevard, before you start feeling a little dizzy because the combination of the Starbucks Vanilla Latte between your legs and the remnants of the 12 Cran-vodkas you downed at last night’s Thanksgiving dinner is making you rethink the decision you made when you picked up your iPhone at 8 a.m. and caved in to your best friend’s pleads of spending the day at Aventura Mall, because in your heart you wish you had never picked up the pink thing vibrating on your nightstand and instead stayed in bed having sex with your boyfriend.
But your best friend is happy as fu%^ she gets to spend the whole day with you and tell you all about her married boyfriend and dead goldfish in between reaffirming she’s going to treat you to lunch at Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza, despite having a panic attack after parking her BMW because she forgot her pocketbook. But the hell with it, babe. You’re always there and you don’t want to spoil it for her, so you might as well make the best of it by racking up $2750.12 on your man’s American Express card with three pairs of Manolo Blahnik high heel shoes, four ABS V-neck dresses and 36 Victoria Secret’s thongs.
Besides, its Thanksgiving weekend and you live in Miami….. Just make sure you can actually walk in the high heels shoes and your thong fits!
FRIDAY 11/28: Your 7-year-old nephew has been nudging you for weeks and you can’t avoid it anymore since everywhere you look these days there’s a Marvel Universe superhero in your face. There EVERYWHERE! In fact: Since Captain America, or any of his friends for that matter, don’t really save galaxies and stuff he’s probably in your bathroom right now playing with your vibrator while waiting for you to get home. Alright, maybe not; But Captain America and his Marvel friends will be performing some crazy shit and fixing the world while the little guy eats $8 popcorn at Marvel Universe Live, a three-day extravaganza at AmericanAirlines Arena (601 Biscayne Boulevard, 786-777-1000, www.aaarena.com) filled with enough believable high-wire acts you’re going to want to marry the guy in the tight-spandex Spider-Man outfit, if not take him home with you. (November 28-30, 11 a.m.-7 p.m.)
SATURDAY 11/29: Be real: You have always wanted to party, or at least be in the same room, with a professional athlete who throws around money as if it was chewed up gum and enjoys being surrounded by a lot of women, whenever he’s not making opponents look stupid inside a boxing ring. Well tonight’s your night, player. It’s actually Floyd Mayweather Jr.’s night at King of Diamonds (17800 NE 5thAve., 305-999-9500), but you’re invited to come throw money at naked women while you sit in the dark talking to some dude who is celebrating his birthday by himself, get a friction dance in some backroom while your $6 Corona spills on the carpet and tip the cashier on the way out at 4:30 a.m. because you’re totally hammered and can’t find your best friend. Hey, women go to these types of strip clubs, too.
SUNDAY 11/30: It’s your mother’s birthday (Happy Birthday, Mom!) and you just want to chill by taking a long walk amid locals and tourists and possibly pick out some fruits and veggies after a terrific lunch with the women you owe so much too. And the weather outside is awesome, so there’s little choice for you other than the Lincoln Road Farmer’s Market, where you will be able to indulge in plants, bread, flowers and jam too while you flirt with the shirtless guy drinking a protein milkshake next to you. (Lincoln Road Mall, 9-6 a.m.) And it’s free!!!
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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