By Fernie Ruano Jr.
It’s 2 p.m. and you’re in your white-Heatles tee and orange string bikini bottom leisurely weaving your blood-red toenails in and out of the water and securing the straw hat on your head every few seconds with the palm of your hand because it’s 75 and windy and you’re in Miami Beach since when you arrived at work this morning you told your boss, who is very naïve and thinks you’re extremely hot, and short of seeing your mug shot over the words ‘Crime Stoppers’ on NBC6 believes everything you tell him, you had a late-afternoon dentist appointment. Bingo!
And now that you’ve totallylied to your boss for the 23rd time in the last two weeks and gotten away with it, you’re murmuring “What a fool” over and over again as you look out at a trail of white sand in front of you from behind your Ray Ban-shaded green eyes and licking your lips after taking another swig of your ‘Superman’ from Wet Willie’s, while your best friend is laughing hysterically because she also lied to her boss and is on her third ‘Call a Cab’.
But instead of throwing up or feeling guilty you girls should have another drink because the only reason you took a half-day from work was because you wanted to get a head start on the weekend.
Well, guess what bitches? 1.) THE WEEKEND IS HERE! 2.) YOU LIVE IN MIAMI! 3.) YOU HAVE MORE THAN 48 HOURS TO COME UP WITH A REAL GOOD EXCUSE ON WHY YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SHOW UP FOR WORK ON MONDAY, UNLESS YOU’RE OFF BECAUSE IT’S COLOMBUS DAY AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE DANCING NAKED IN A BOAT. AND TOTALLY WASTED! (Note to dudes: You too are encouraged to participate other than standing in a corner of the bar and caressing your beer bottle. IT’S THE WEEKEND, FOOL! AND YOU LIVE IN…)
FRIDAY 10/10: Although your teeth are sparkling white – What a fool! – you’re feeling a bit tipsy after smashing all those spiked-slushy drinks, but that shouldn’t get in the way of wanting to pay homage to the Beatles on their 50th anniversary by checking out “Ladies and Gentlemen…the Beatles!”, a traveling exhibition dripping with memorabilia, artifacts, photos, videos and recordings – all bringing to life the chaos created by Paul, John, Ringo and George when your mommy was a little girl. But it doesn’t matter if you’re a bit older and you danced to “I want to hold your hand” in high school or played with Cabbage Patch dolls when you were 12 because everybody knows the Beatles. HistoryMiami (101 W. Flagler Street, Miami, FL 33130, 305-375-1492, www.historymiami.org)
SATURDAY 10/11: You’re from the 305 and live here so you’re probably all high-tech too; you know like you’re all into taking your IPad to happy hour, making love to your IPhone 6 while wearing your nighty and downloading apps faster than you can spell your husband’s name, and his name is Ty. C’mon, you know it’s true. And since it is, your ass needs to be at The III Points Festival, where really hip techies and artists will be waiting to enlighten you on the newest trends and gadgets in their respective fields while you dance to electronic music, play videogames, do yoga and watch a film screening. Alright, maybe not all the same time. (7 p.m. to 3 a.m., Friday-Sunday, Wynwood, $55 for a one-day pass, $105.93 plus fees for a three-day pass, www.iiipoints.com)
SUNDAY 10/12: Yeah: You were at some restaurant on South Beach last night that is known to host really, really $$$$$ athletes and serves huge streaks too, and happen to see Olivia Munn resting her head on the broad shoulder of her boyfriend, Aaron Rodgers. But you’re smoking hot and don’t give a shit and think you can slip Rodgers your phone number, if you can just get a little closer to him. Well, today’s your lucky day. Just buy a ticket – a really good ticket – and blast it towards Sun Life Stadium (2269 NW 199th Street, Miami Gardens, www.sunlifestadium.com) where your favorite quarterback for the day will be under center for the Green Bay Packers against our Miami Dolphins. And here’s some advice: You can try flirting with Rodgers all you want from behind the Packers’ bench but please – pretty please – wear those thigh-hugging white shorts and V-neck- orange T-shirt your ex bought you over the summer. Who knows? You might be on the Real Wives of Green Bay someday. (www.miamidolphins.com). But remember to s root for the home team, even if you get home dripping-wet after watching No. 12 in tear up the Fishy Bunch.
And if you’re really brave and just don’t give a shit you can wear your white bikini underneath all that awesomeness and book it south on I-95 after the game because you want to have a few more drinks - after getting a tan of course – on South Beach. (Wet Willie’s, 760 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach, FL 33139, 305-532-5650, www.wetwillies.com)
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook) and visit http://www.latinbeatsvibe.blogspot.com . Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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