Weekend in Miami: “Mommy, my teacher says…”

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

“Mommy, my teacher says I really, really need the mask to walk in the Halloween parade next week.” – A 6-year-old in the passenger seat of a BMW doing 85 on I-95 right this very second.

What blonde single-mom with blunt bangs and artificial green eyes to die for and pear-shaped breasts so perky that a plastic surgeon drowned this morning surrounded by mojitos in Cabos San Lucas, would have the nerve – or face – to put her boyfriend on hold after smiling at the guy on the motorcycle that just cut her off and turn to her child to ask, “Do you really need a mask to be Spiderman?”


“Papo, do you really need a mask to be Spiderman?”

It’s been 20 minutes since you peeled off your Steve Madden pumps and flipped them over your headrest, but you’re still stuck behind the Costco trucker that honked his horn at you by NW 135^th Street and your Apple IPhone 6 has been vibrating since you pressed the “L” in the elevator at Aventura Mall because you promised your best friend you are going to run and eat sushi with her tonight. “


Mommy, my teacher says I really need the mask.”

“Mommy, my teacher says I really need the mask.” “Mommy, my teacher says I really need the mask.” “Mommy, my teacher says I really need the mask.” Your son has asked you the same question so many times - in between swigs of his 7-Eleven Banana Slurpee - that your haste to put a key through the hole on the doorknob of your apartment in The Minorca Building has been replaced by a trip to the nearest Target to shuffle your hands through a discount table in hopes of finding a mask; And buying $100 of Snickers.

And now that you’ve been Gorilla-Marketed by Little Henry thanks to his teacher and dropped more than $94.23 than what you expected on candy you will be eating until February 16, 2015 because as soon as you walked through the doors at Target you had ’50 %’ signs all up in your face, you can finally focus on the size 6- Bebe black zipper-dress you bought seven hours ago for the Enrique Iglesias/Pitbull concert at the AmericanAirlines Arena, Sunday night –

You know the show you bought tickets to in April after some marketing genius sitting around a conference table came up with the idea that the 33-year-old Cuban-American “rapper” from Miami that you love so much and has made a very healthy living off of collaborating with other artists (three to be exact) to create artificial duets and pushing an area code that starts with the number “3” after having his head polished and being taken on a white-pants shopping spree after years of lingering around barber shops and train tracks wouldn’t have to sweat about carrying a show – at least for now -  if he was paired with a Latin heartthrob who can still move tickets sales with his last name even though he also hasn’t moved anything done in the studio by himself in years.


Pero, at least you’re going to be shaking your ass to “Bailando” while Enrique’s collaborators probably appear on the video screen and some techie reviews Armando’s biographical summary for the 23^rd time on his IPad before approving it to run on the same video screen and you’re walking out of the arena whispering to yourself, “De verdad que ese Pitbull is living the American dream.”, before calling your best friend to yell at her, “I just saw Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull! I just got two for one! Can you believe it?”

Have fun this weekend, hot stuff… “Mommy, my teacher says I really, really need the mask.”

FRIDAY 10/24: What modern-day 35-year-old woman with a BWM and fake sweater meat and still on her third nursing class even though she enrolled at Florida International University in 2010 wouldn’t want to have Oprah Winfrey’s loose change for each day they live from this point forward? Hell, you not only want the Big “O’s” loose change, you dream of living like her, aside from becoming a lame-duck magazine editor.


Well, you’re going to think you were dreaming, if not praying for Monday morning to arrive, fast, at the “Oprah’s The Life You Want’ weekend extravaganza at AmericanAirlines Arena (7:30 p.m., 601 Biscayne Boulevard, 786-777-1000, www.aarena.com, www.ticketmaster.com ), where some of Winfrey’s favorite buddies such as Elizabeth Bell and Deepak Chopra will be waiting to motivate you with the kind of self-help messages that are going to make you want to run around naked in your living room when you get home.


But leave yourself plenty of time, because there will be a VIP tent at Museum Park with plenty of food and music, a picture booth to snap away enough selfies to open 58 Facebook accounts and so many Oprah-merchandise tables you’re probably going to make 11 trips to the ATM machine. The doors open tonight at 7 p.m. and don’t close ‘til 9 a.m. on Saturday. Oprah is so BIG, she bumped.. Some panty-dropping Spanish dude who doesn’t mention his father a whole lot and un rappero que dice “305” hasta cuando esta dormiendo …

But in the meantime…

SATURDAY 10/25:  This dimly-lit, no-attitude haven for local bands of all genres has been open for over 100 years, so there’s a good chance you’ve stumbled in here at some point – like after a concert at the AAA or something – to wash the night away at the bar with cold beer after cold beer mixed in with shots of your favorite hard liquor.


Well, time has come to say goodbye as some real estate developer that smokes Cuban cigars and has a French girlfriend has informed the owner he has plenty of $$$ and therefore is taking over the space. So, go sit by the bar and raise your glass one last time in honor of the best bar in the history of this beautiful city. (Tobacco Road, 626 South Miami Ave., 305-374-1198)

SUNDAY 10/26:   “Let’s go!” “Let’s go!” “Let’s go!” You might hear Miami’s favorite import since the white powder that helped build the Coral Gables office you sit in 8-hours-a-day repeat the same two words so much you’re going to think you’re listening to a recorded voice surrounded by 12 scantily-dressed female dancers and a cacophony of neon light beams as he jumps up and down for an hour and a half, in between breaks to tell you his area code and his life story – again and again.


But there’s the possibility you’re going to meet a 45-year-old barber wearing a red guayabera and white pants that’s going to compliment you on your black- zipper dress at 8:09 p.m. and you’re going to suck $25 Cran-vodkas out of him until 10:45 p.m. before shaking his hand and saying, “Gracias papo...De verdad que la pase de maravilla.”, as you swiftly move what mommy gave you to “Bailando”. And surprisingly you still have your black Victoria Secret’s G-string on. AmericanAirlines Arena (7:30 p.m., 601 Biscayne Boulevard, 786-777-1000, www.aarena.com, www.ticketmaster.com )

Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.