By Fernie Ruano Jr.
You have nine days – NINE DAYS, BITCH! – until Christmas Day and like most of the people around you when you hastily pour a packet of raw sugar into your latte inside your favorite coffee shop every day at 8 a.m. and scream at the lady behind the counter of your go-to supermarket at 6 p.m. twice a week before running to the checkout line because you can’t possibly wait six minutes for a fresh order of fried chicken, even though you were stuck on I-95 for 45 minutes after leaving work yesterday, you’re a procrastinator.
And you’re from the 305, which means the six boxes of Christmas ornaments you own are still neatly stacked in your garage and your godson is really fucking confused. The poor kid has been to your boyfriend’s house four times since you hosted Thanksgiving dinner and there’s still NOTHING under the 12-inch slim Christmas tree you bought in mid-November. But you’re still in the “honeymoon” stage with your new man and having sex as if it’s 1993, so it’s understandable why you still haven’t started crossing names off your Christmas shopping list, never mind actually going out and BUYING gifts!
Just admit it: YOU’RE A PROCRASTINATOR! And with Christmas Day approaching at the speed of your boyfriend’s ejaculation skills, you feel more pressure right now than Kim Kardashian in yoga pants. But luckily you live in Miami and are surrounded by so many AWESOME malls, you might actually feel somewhat motivated to get off your fine ass and go buy Michael the PS3 controller he’s been begging you for; and some sexy little things for his mother, too. DALE!!!
Aventura Mall: There’s no bigger or better mall in the 305, whether you work for Roy Black or Carlos Gimenez. You have to be a really picky shopper, if not a royal pain in the ass, in order not to find something to your liking at this 2.7 million square, 300-retailer shop wet dream for women of all shapes, sizes and economic backgrounds. You can load up on upscale gifts for your bestie at Burberry and Emilio Pucci and do JCPenny to whack the nerd you never talk to at work. And buy him a tie, too. Over 28 million people visit the mall each year and its Florida’s largest-retail mall. It’s so big, there’s no chance you’re going to bump into Kim K’s ass on your next visit. But here’s some friendly-advice if your boyfriend is coming along: Keep him away from the food court, if you’re like really possessive and stuff. (19501 Biscayne Boulevard, Aventura, FL 33180. 305-935-1110, www.aventuramall.com)
Sawgrass Mills Mall: Wear sneakers or flip flops, hot stuff. Alright, you’ve been warned. With more than 400 retailers, including Banana Republic, Prada and Victoria Secret’s (Are you wet yet?), Sawgrass Mills is the largest outlet mall in North America, so forget about trying to cover the 2,383, 906 square feet of retail space in one visit, unless you’re a real freak or Ariana Grande is part of your party. But please have a plan before heading to the mall because it can easily turn into an all-day affair if you arrive unprepared. And make sure you use the bathroom at home; a lot of the bathrooms here have been replaced with what else, new stores. (12801 W. Sunrise Boulevard, 954-846-2300, wwwsawgrassmills.com)
Bal Harbor Shops: Come clean: You wish you were Jennifer Lopez and had a rich boyfriend – for one day at least. Well, while Ms. Bootylicious is still searching in all the wrong places for true love, you my friend just might bump into a professional athlete – you know a guy that plays sports for a living and makes a shitload of $$$$ - while pimping those new aviator shades in front of the mirror inside your favorite hut. Who knows? If he really likes you and you’re not wearing a bra, your life just might change forever; just maybe. ( 9700 Collins Avenue, Bal Harbor, FL 33154, 305-866-0311 www.balharborshops.com)
Dadeland Mall: Do you want your boyfriend to forget about you for half a day? Tell him you’re going to Dadeland Mall, home of the largest The Limited/Express store in the nation. And if you’re scared about doing some of your shopping here because your best friend almost got hit in the parking lot by some crazy, 75-year-old Cuban lady last month, don’t sweat it. Once you make it through the front doors, hopefully, you’re going to feel as if you’re in heaven, corporate heaven, with the likes of Macys, Nordstrom, Saks Fifth Avenue and The Cheesecake Factory smack in your face. And it isn’t too big or too small, so you can probably do the entire mall in one day. And pig out at the awesome food court, featuring Tango Grill and Sarku Japan, among other eateries. (7535 N. Kendall Drive, Miami, FL 33156, 305-665-6227, www.simon.com/mall/dadeland mall)
Miami International Mall: Let’s be real: This “Chongita” treasure in West Dade has seen better days since opening its doors 32 years ago. Traffic, especially on weekends can be a problem and the overall hygiene inside ‘MIM’ isn’t much to write about, so I ….. But how can you not have a soft spot for the mall you grew up shopping in? It boasts over 140 stores, including Macy’s and Kohl’s, and is only a half-mile away from Dolphin Mall, another credit card crusher that will definitely please every pore in your body. If you grew up in Miami you probably remember all the indoor tress and fountains you used to launch pennies in, and in the process drive your mother crazy. But it’s now more upscale and modern; like they actually have a lot of bathrooms and stuff. (1455 NW 107th Avenue, Doral, FL 33172, 305-593-1777, www.simon.com/mall/miamiinternationalmall)
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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