By Fernie Ruano Jr.
It’s been almost two weeks since you sat next to your loud Cuban uncle and momentarily paused to give thanks for still being able to smell the leather off your Gucci handbag and the good-health of the puppy you stick in that Gucci handbag every day at 7 a.m. when you walk out your front door, before sticking your face back into a paper plate overflowing with stuffed turkey and cranberry sauce, and excusing yourself although the pumpkin pie wasn’t sliced yet because your best friend promised to pick you up at 5 a.m. so you can go shove a 13-year-old girl out of the way and save $4 on a blender on Black Friday at the store that stalks you as if your ex-boyfriend was going to jump out of a bullseye and say, “Sorry!”.
C’mon cutie: I know you, and you know it’s true because after all these years you still get off by buying $350 of crap every four days at my high school crush’s favorite store, even if $600 of that shit will be safely stored in the top shelf of your garage when you clean it out next summer, you go to your “favorite” store ever every Friday just so some buffy, 23-year-old dude can ask “Can I help you?” because you’re not wearing a bra, and you’re always bragging about how your son’s friends flirt with you in the kitchen. And you call me for sex every Wednesday afternoon at around 1:15 p.m.
I understand it makes you feel really good about yourself, babe. In fact: I know it does because although you recently celebrated your 5th wedding anniversary surrounded by expensive art you will never be able to afford, and Miley Cyrus, your husband is never home, your Miracle Mile-buddy just moved to Palm Springs, California, your son isn’t coming home for the holidays and the last time you had an orgasm was with me in some hotel in Coral Gables on your birthday weekend.
I know you miss your husband, and you wish he was around more often, especially with the holiday season in full swing and the unused red zipper dress you purchased at an Aventura boutique in September hanging behind your bedroom’s bathroom door, your American Express card being maxed out and your Christmas-gift list expanding by the hour, and your douching tube being clogged and all.
But cheer up! Let’s be real: It could be a lot worse; I mean, a lot worse! 1. You still live in an $800,000 home (for now). 2. Half of Victoria’s Secrets inventory, since September, is neatly folded in the six drawers in your closet. 3. You own 152 pairs of shoes and ordered six new pairs online, last night. 4. Your puppy’s shit looked normal, the last time you looked. 5. You live within three miles of a fire station.
So believe me cutie, it could be a lot worse… A lot worse!!
Alright, maybe not…
JIM HARBAUGH: Have you ever been at your girlfriend’s house and the romcom showing on her plasma is so bad not even a shirtless Vince Vaughn can save it? Of course you have because you tell the story about falling asleep on the couch while she was taking a shower, each time we meet up at the bar to watch a football game. And you check out because you can’t stand romcoms, just like the 49ers, most of whom love their head coach so much they would run through a wall for him, have gone zzzzzzz … on the 2014 season because they know Jim Harbaugh has checked out. The 49ers are done for this season, and so is Harbaugh in San Francisco. Harbaugh can’t stand Trent Baalke and Baalke can’t stand Harbaugh and when two men in high positions can’t stand each other they usually go their separate ways. It’s to the point in San Francisco that players who trust and respect Harbaugh have turned it off. Seriously: What else can be wrong with starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick? And since Harbaugh is done in San Francisco, why not play “where to now” …..
MIAMI: The Dolphins have a quarterback (Ryan Tannehill) in place who has done an adequate job of running a college-style offense with a lot of short, high-percentage throws and occasional read option, which Harbaugh could fine tune by adding different elements to the playbook and drafting a few pieces to plug alongside the offensive line with Mike Pouncey and Ja’Waun James. And getting rid of Mike Wallace, of course.
OAKLAND: What better way to stick it to the 49ers than going across the bay, drafting Jameis Winston, signing Marshawn Lynch, just because Harbaugh loves Pete Carroll and hiring Rex Ryan as defensive coordinator. And just think: Harbaugh will still be able to wear a black turtleneck and brown khaki pants. And quickly land a new sponsor for the Raiders’ stadium …something like Dockers Stadium because his wife is so hot and she loves the Bay area. And, no marketing executive would be crazy enough to turn him done.
WASHINGTON: Harbaugh, like most NFL head coaches and owners, has a HUGE ego. Therefore, it isn’t too crazy to picture him in a burgundy turtleneck screaming at RG III during a training camp session next August in Richmond, Virginia.
ATLANTA: Follow the theme here, leatherhead? The Falcons also have an established quarterback in Matt Ryan that Harbaugh can work with, in addition to a receiver (Julio Jones) who can stretch the field….
JACKSONVILLE: Alright, Jacksonville isn’t exactly Miami. But Harbaugh would have Blake Bortles – BLAKE BORTLES !!! – to work with. And he would get Jaguars’ fans so excited they would all get off their asses and buy season tickets after Harbaugh hires Tim Tebow as quarterback coach.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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