By Fernie Ruano Jr.
There’s still over 72 hours remaining before Brad Kaaya can give college football nerds residing in Coral Gables, or nerds living in Coral Gables or anywhere near Coral Gables and pretending to be University of Miami fans long before the 2001 season, any reason, good or bad, to wake up at 3 a.m. and call J.T. The Brick, after waiting two hours on hold, and announce to the entire country that “this 18-year-old true freshman just doesn’t have it.”
Poor kid: He hasn’t even boarded the plane for Louisville yet and already there’s a 43-year-old, balding-father of two sneaking his cellphone out of his wife’s Prada handbag in the middle of the night to scream at a sports-talk show host that Al Golden doesn’t know what he’s f&%@#^* doing, before admitting to the host, who routinely disagrees with his callers in a very cold-hearted fashion, that he never even played high school football.
Hey, but that’s just the way we wave our pom poms in the 305, if we wave them at out because we’re extremely loyal as long as the best basketball player in the world is on our team and delivering the goods, even though the best basketball player in the world two-timed his ‘first love’ to come have a four-year love affair with us. And suck us into buying $25 drinks and $40 caps, well because it feels so much better when you’re on top, and wearing white.
Oh, about the Hurricanes. They haven’t delivered a national championship since 2001, which is 13 years too long around here, especially with 65% of the Hurricanes’ most loyal supporters, who in all honesty didn’t go to school in Coral Gables and don’t live anywhere near Coral Gables. Well, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to fold up that wrinkled “No.12” orange and green jersey that was passed on to you by your late uncle and safely place it behind your golf clubs in the closet, because the Hurricanes will not win a national championship, or any championship for that matter, this season, either. In fact: They’re going to lose a realclose one Monday night at Louisville (Sept 1. 8 p.m., ESPN) after hanging for about three-and-a-half quarters because they still don’t have the defensive creatures upfront to avoid being gashed to death, and on the road against Louisville that = L.
But one predictedUniversity of Miami football loss shouldn’t dampen your enthusiasm for $1 pinchos or free Cuban coeds – available at any gate (G!) approximately two hours prior to kick off before each home game at Sun Life Stadium, or any stadium for that matter in which the student body truly, truly cares about their residential college football team. So, without further ado, let’s examine this first weekend’s slate of top games. 1. #16 Clemson vs. #12 Georgia (5:30 p.m., ESPN): This dog-on-cat fight has a bit more juice than what you were used to 20 years ago watching two chicks you probably would never see again after your last day of high school fighting in the parking lot over your ass. I never fought over anyone, did I? Anyway, if the married woman you’re ‘talking to’ is busy at Chucky E. Cheese, you don’t actually have a seat inside Sanford Stadium, I would park it on the couch to see if the Tigers, 1. Can stop the Dawgs’ murderous running attack? 2. Make it two in a row over Georgia, without leading rusher Zac Brooks, out for the season with a foot injury.
2. #14 Wisconsin vs. #13 LSU (9 p.m., ESPN): Are you one of those old-school types that gets woody over smash-mouth football? Well, pop the popcorn and put your feet up because you’re for quite a treat, if not the first taste of greatness courtesy of LSU freshmen Leonard Fournette, who might have the Heisman Trophy wrapped up by mid-October if he runs according to the hype in Baton Rouge and elsewhere. Oh, Wisconsin is going to run the ball a lot too, because Corey Clement and Melvin Gordon are really good. Trust me.
3. #1 Florida State vs. Oklahoma State (8 p.m., ABC): If you thought allegedly feasting on seafood from your favorite supermarket without reaching into his wallet was alarming, wait until you see what FSU quarterback Jameis Winston has in store for a Cowboys’ defense that will undoubtedly be in over their heads, especially in a season-opener against the depth-happy defending national champs. It will also be fun to witness the possibility of a man-child, otherwise known as Mario Williams, eating two offensive linemen for dinner. If you root for the Seminoles and don’t have any plans on Saturday night, other than staying in with your buddies and two of their ex-wives, this will definitely get you turned on. 
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