It’s Labor Day Weekend: My Top-5 must do’s in the 305

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

For the love of JUICY STEAKS, BRAIN FREEZES AND STRING BIKINIS!

Summer is almost over, but it’s still 95-degrees in the 305 and my “ friend” is going to honor our great country this Labor Day Weekend by wearing a red, white and blue string bikini with a ridiculous amount of stars and stripes and an even more ridiculous lack of fabric. Hell, she’s probably in it right now!

                               Flag me: You too can probably find one like this on South Beach.
                                               
You, on the other hand, will be on your third cup of coffee by 10:15 tomorrow morning as you cozy up to the fireplace in time to catch a replay of the Golden Gophers’ win over Eastern Illinois, because driving to the Mall of Americas or fishing are out of the question, since you live in ….Minnesota.

But if you’re lucky enough to be spending Labor Day Weekend in the 305, along with everybody else that doesn’t live in South Florida year-round but goes to bed every night praying they could, I’m here today to suggest my Top 5 must do’s while you’re in Gloria’s Hood.

And that could mean so much more than working on your tan, pretending to be 30 and looking for a 20-year-old boyfriend even though you’re really 40 and married with two kids back in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, 0r really 44 and driving up and down Ocean Drive in a rented Lamborghini in hopes of scoring a pouty-lipped model for Labor Day Weekend because you own a motorcycle, smoke Cuban cigars, were a pinch hitter in high school and frankly, don’t have it anymore.

Seriously: Good luck to all of you! And pay attention; some of us actually live here.

5. Shop at Aventura Mall (19501 Biscayne Boulevard. Aventura, FL., 305-935-1130): You want to really help our economy and take home bags and bags of upscale shit? Well, this is the place kids. From Burberry to Emilio Pucci, its luxury brand galore in this chandeliered-wet dream for women of all ages and sizes. And there’s plenty to eat, in the food court, for the dudes, too. My advice: Look straight ahead and nowhere else, if you’re a man and your woman is within close proximity.

4. Run on the Miami Beach Boardwalk (21-46 St., Collins Ave.): Sure there are entrances to the surrounding hotels, but the MBB is a thing unto itself. It’s made out of wood, seriously, and it’s bare of stores, shops and restaurants, so you can go out for a nice, long run at any time during the day. There is a protected strip of vegetation between the beach and the boardwalk. The only other hazard might be the loads of Latin women out on the boardwalk.

3. Eat at Las Vacas Gordas Argentine Steakhouse (933 Normandy Drive, Miami Beach, FL 33141, 305-867-1717): There’s nothing better than loading up on the carbs, especially after sweating your ass off and spending plenty of loot on that new string bikini and aviator sunglasses. Stealing its name – I mean borrowing – from the Bibical ages when well fed cows roamed while feeding on rain-blessed soil, you too will be feeding your face until your little heart is content at this meat lover’s paradise.

 2. Do @#%*&$#% at South Point Park(1 Washington Avenue, Miami Beach, FL 33139): I’m breaking my No. 2 rule: Never share one of your cherished hideouts with anybody. In fact, this 17-acre urban park and beach is where I was going to bring my high school crush, before my high school crush decided to get really mad at me in SPANISH. Anyway, this place will tug at the strings on your string bikini with a 360 ocean view, grassy area, walking path, and food stand, among other things.

1. Drink (responsibly) at Wet Willies (760 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach, FL, 33139, 305-532-5650): Go on up to the deck overlooking Ocean Drive, grab a table or sit on it if it’s 2 p.m. and you’re lucky enough to have found one, and test your brain out with as many slushy-spiked drinks as possible. Seriously, watch your step on the way out. And call a cab if need be, but don’t drink 11 of them.