By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Have you ever been into a woman so much you just want to lock the door behind you and explore every wall in your apartment, while carrying her in full weight?
Well, don’t ransack your nightstand drawers looking for protection just yet stud-muffin...
She’s going to make you wait, and wait some more, this after sitting at home pretending to be very busy and ignoring your phone calls, while probably laughing too as she cleans her dog’s shit off her neighbor’s driveway before settling into her couch, naked, to watch ‘24.
Thinking about the last orgasm she had, in 2009, might not be an option on Monday nights from 9-10 p.m. but…
When she’s done drinking wine and her friends, all sitting around a table playing her up and telling her how great she is, have concluded - all in tandem - that the guy she’s put off for days just might add a little spice to her life, other than getting home to mail and late-night barking, only then will she call you at 7:00 a.m. because well, she wants to know you aren’t rocking someone else.
So, if you can control the excitement in your voice, and Old Navy boxer shorts, as you skip, jump and try not to spill boiling water all over yourself (the hell with the coffee), while balancing a cellphone on your right shoulder and turning off – or attempting to – a computer, you just might make it through a 15-minute conversation, which might net “lunch date” plans.
And more waiting, even though you emailed her 3 months ago, have done enough homework on her to fill two notebooks and can barely keep your pants on whenever you think about her.
And you’re going to be waiting some more, if you agree to meet her out for lunch, because she’s going to be an hour and a half late after calling you that same morning to tell you she couldn’t wait to see you, after her pedicure appointment, of course, and previously cancelling (a requirement among all women that know you want them).
Still, want to go out with the former high school mate you’re hard after, or would you rather move on to the bartender you met Saturday at 2 a.m.?
If your answer is yes, then you will probably be pacing outside of a restaurant for about an hour before “your woman” shows up, and hurriedly, I might add. (Note: Do different and ask her what her favorite type of food is, and take her to eat something else. This is a good barometer on how she handles the unexpected, at least for starters.
She’s going to measure her time up against you and not give a shit about it, and probably at the urging of her best friend who will likely be texting her for updates and perhaps some friends scattered about the restaurant you’re in, so don’t take it personally when she turns down your suggestion to keep it moving with a little coffee and cake, among other things, with, “That was my boyfriend, I really have to go.”
Yeah, right. Don’t believe it for a second kid. Translation: I want you, but I don’t want to come across desperate, even though that backwards hug you just gave me on the sidewalk really felt good and gave me a chance to feel you and send my mind, among other things, racing.
So, just keep plugging away at it, while displaying plenty of patience and confidence, and you will be ransacking through that nightstand drawer and keeping your neighbors up all night, sooner rather than later.
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