By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Raise your hands, ladies …..
It’s a new year and you live in Miami, so the juice maker, two-dozen carrots and Bowflex Max Trainer M5 you purchased on Christmas Eve are respectively rotting in different sections of your house, all of which you walked through this morning in your leather boots before closing the front door, and throwing away the three, empty half-points of vanilla ice cream and dry bones from the fried chicken you ate last night.
You have already been to Dunkin Donuts six times since New Year’s Day.
But you’re from the 305and sprinkled in Latina, so you actually eat three meals a day and wear size 6 jeans, even though you’re really a size 8, and swear on tight blouses because you didn’t pay some dude that is sipping margaritas in Cancun, Mexico right now $4000 to hide what he blessed you with last summer.
And even though they’re loaded with sugar and milk, you love drinking milkshakes because they do miracles for your hips and thighs, and let’s face it: men in Miami love a woman with ample hips and thighs.
And it doesn’t matter that it’s 25 and raining in Buffalo, NY., which is where your best friend wakes up every day to drive to work after wrapping her two daughters in scarfs and jackets, since the only reason you look as if it’s going to snow in Miami tonight is because you have to make good use of those black leather boots your boyfriend gave you for Christmas since its 75 and sunny in the 305 and you can tan on most days in the winter, not to mention drink a thick and sugary batido to stay cool and sexy…
El Palacio de lo Jugos: (Flagler Street, 57th Avenue, 305-264-8662) You’re pumped and feeling hot, not to mention sexy, because you just competed your first 5K without stopping or your boyfriend screaming at you, and in the mood to cool down with a fruit milkshake that oozes sensuality and is so Miami… Do it with a thick and milky batido de mamey and grab some really greasy and awesome Cuban food before you shove a 67-year-old guajiro on your way out of this most generous of palaces.
Los Pinarenos Fruteria: If you’re a dude and have a hot girlfriend make sure she doesn’t have an attitude and sweat High Maintenance perfume because there’s nothing fancy about this small-Calle Ocho fruit market. Just walk up to the counter and order a milkshake (PAPAYA!!) from the old man wearing the straw hat and watch as a smile as wide as what is in your girlfriend’s white yoga pants will take over her face. (1334 SW 8th Street, 305-285-1135):
Walls Old Fashioned Ice Cream: You can’t possibly consider yourself a Miamian if you haven’t pulled into the dark and rocky parking lot of this iconic ice cream spot on a Friday night, especially before or after a UM baseball game, and ordered a strawberry milkshake, or any milkshake for that matter. The staff is friendly and you will feel welcomed because there’s a family-oriented vibe to WOFIC. Oh, and the pizza across the street isn’t too shabby...(8075 SW 67th Avenue, 305-740-9830)
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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