By Fernie Ruano Jr.
A slow, leisurely weekday-morning walk on Miracle Mile in Coral Gables as you make your way up to the third floor of the building that employees you is a joyful and therapeutic experience, especially if you are a man and enjoy dissecting the tendencies of women waiting in line for a latte, smile at the beautiful girl sitting by herself inside the bridal shop’s front window and appreciate the smell of fresh air. And the pouty-lipped bank teller with the long red hair that ogles you every day.
It’s so calming and blissful that a brief stop inside your favorite coffee shop cannot come close to rattling the start of your day, even if you take a quick peek at the plasma screen over your head to find Matt Lauer staring back at you. But your enthusiasm for the cheesy pastry in front of your face can disappear as quickly as Kate Winslet’s bra in a movie, any movie, if you take another look and notice Lauer is interviewing Katy Perry as the pop princess officially announces she is going to be all up in your face during halftime of next month’s Super Bowl in Glendale, Arizona.
Putting your fascination for plaid skirts, pigtails, genetics and football aside, if you’re a man (again), it would be difficult for anybody to refrain from spitting a swig of hot coffee directly into the blonde hair of the girl standing in front of you, after deciding you are going to burn all the CDs you own of the hot pop tart when you get home, because this is the same woman that just three months ago was spitting in Lee Corso’s face while swearing she would never sell her soul, um, open her checkbook in order to perform for corporate cronies at the Super Bowl.
But it’s official and there’s nothing you or I can do about it besides planning to turn our backs to the plasma screen at approximately 8:30 pm on February 1 and eat two more bags of barbeque chips, 12 wings and 13 hot dogs as you watch your wife flirt with your recently-divorced neighbor in the kitchen, and Perry and friends, including what is left of Lenny Kravitz, do some funky shit to the amplifiers inside University of Phoenix Stadium.
And would you believe it, you and I are not the only ones suffering from burnt nostrils right now over our favorite female pop tart selling out quicker than the former high school frame that left you on the floor dancing by yourself last weekend after spotting her ex-husband by the bar.
Taylor Swift is so crushed over the “Dark Horse” juicer landing the GIG she’s seriously debating whether to go on a three-apple-a-day diet after putting a hit on Baz Halpin, the tour and production director helping Katy put the whole performance together, although he’s also been positioning Taylor’s spotlights for years.
But since we live in the 305 and still have a couple weeks before really going deep into Tom Brady’s arm strength, or existence according to a very articulate Ray Lewis, let’s bask in what any Miamian would bask in when the clock reads 5 pm on any given Friday: Another loaded weekend in the 305.
FRIDAY 1/16: You order a bowl of tuna with no mayo and chicken broth while your best friend sits across from you stuffing her face with a Cuban sandwich, 16 pounds of mariquitas and a Corona at 3 a.m. after a night of dancing. You know you do! And since you wake up to oatmeal and carrot juice for breakfast, your obsession with looking hot in front of the mirror in skinny jeans and an off the shoulder blouse should definitely be celebrated at Wodapalooza, a three-day extravaganza at Bayfront Park (301 Biscayne Blvd.) where you will be surrounded by thousands of your organically-fused friends – you know people that eat sushi for breakfast – buying really colorful workout gear, walking around with their chest out and/or swimming in the bay with some chiseled instructor with a fake tan. And don’t forget to pack your aviator sunglasses!! (Jan. 16-18, 8 am-8pm, $20-$30)
SATURDAY 1/17: If you know a woman, are fooling around with a woman or are happily married to a woman you don’t need anybody to remind you how much they all love chocolate. Whether you are sitting inside a dark theatre, your office or on a swing at the park one of the easiest ways to make the woman that currently pulls the strings on your heart make her want you even more is to buy her chocolate. Or any covered in chocolate. It’s not only the oldest trick in the “How to Get L---“manual but the fastest route to her beautiful hips and thighs. And she is going to love you for it. FOREVER! So if you’re hormones are barking louder than your neighbor’s dog a trip to the ‘Festival of Chocolate’ is definitely in order. In fact, it’s mandatory because your woman will be able to sample cupcakes, brownies and cakes, all smothered in you guessed it, CHOCOLATE! And that my friend could spell a happy ending for you … (The Dezer Auto Collection Museum & Event Space, 2000 NE 164th Street, 305-354-7680, 10am-6pm, $12-$20)
SUNDAY 1/18: If you are forever and ever committed to a woman or somebody you love with all your heart maxing out your American Express at the “Festival of Chocolate’ 24 hours ago was the best decision you have ever made since you are a huge football fan and today is arguably the most important day on the calendar year for people like you that breath leather skin because starting at 3 pm right up until approximately 10 pm you will be totally consumed with the NFC and AFC Championship games and will have ZERO time for the woman you ------ last night, therefore will suggest she spend the entire day at Aventura Mall with her best friend before you head off to your favorite sports bar and do some serious damage. (BOKAMPER’S!!!!...15500 SW 29th Court, Miramar, FL 33029, 754-400-8558)
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email
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