By Fernie Ruano Jr.
2015 is almost a week old, therefore you probably have already skipped out on the gym, twice, ignored the chummy lady who always waves when she walks by on your morning run, have yet to speak to your father, although he lives in the same city you do and you “love” your stepmother, failed to open the new Bible on your nightstand after begging your best friend to “please, please!” buy you one and downed two bottles of really expensive wine and Grey Goose with the help of some friends on New Year’s Day after swearing at 11:58 pm the night before you would never have another alcoholic beverage in your life.
Nice going there, buddy. At this rate, you will weigh 235 pounds by Valentine’s Day or be divorced after finding your wife in bed with your boss, go another 10 months without speaking to YOUR FATHER, have no clue what to do the next time you open the front doors of a church, be ignored or get really weird looks at the next family gathering and be in rehab before the Super Bowl. And luckily will have no time to sit in front of your plasma and stomach a useless array of ads begging you to get your fat ass in shape, followed by Joe Montana stuffing his face with “free pizza” in front of Peyton Manning and the Papa John’s dude.
But be real: You recently moved to Miami from San Diego in an effort to get as far away as possible from your crazy ex-wife and whip yourself back into beach shape, among other things, like getting ------ 12 times a week and eating really greasy food while trying to learn a few words in Spanish with the help of a flirtatious waitress on Calle Ocho, so you’re as loose as a distance runner and ready to start the new year in the best city in the world; And with no worries, so here are the Top-5 must-dos for a new Miamian, especially if you’re single, hungry, adventurous, into running, hoping to run into Beyonce on the beach, naked, on a tight budget, a sports freak and like to flirt.
EAT CUBAN FOOD: You have been awesome with your new diet of carrot juice and adult content magazines for almost five days now. But unplug the blender, after watching your hands of course, and take a trip to El Palacios de los Jugos (Flagler Street & 57TH Avenue, Miami, FL., 305-264-8662), the palace of all Cuban food palaces, and one overflowing with food sections, all stacked to the brim with white rice, yucca, pork, seafood, sandwiches and fruit juices of all kinds. And if you really want to make it an experience to remember snap your fingers at one of the ladies behind the buzzy counter and tell her to bag you some chicarrones, the best in the 305. This endless parade of in-your-face Cuban food will have you begging for a bowl of oatmeal in the morning. Well, maybe…
GO TO A BASKETBALL GAME… IN THE GABLES: Yeah, I know. The obvious choice would be a trip downtown to see our favorite professional basketball team, the Miami Heat, or what’s left of it. But honestly: Dwyane Wade’s face keeps getting pudgier by the second, Chris Bosh shoots way too many three-pointers and the defending Eastern Conference champions are giving meaningful minutes to Hassan Whiteside while internally praying Shabazz Napier gets his shit together down in the D-League; And quick. Translation: Check back with the Heat in October. Besides, you don’t want to pay $400 for a lower level seat to watch the Heat get smoked by the Bulls and have a 53-year-old with lips like a yellow snapper flirting with you in front of Dan Le Batard’s mom. Instead, take a drive to Coral Gables and invest, at least for the evening, on the Hurricanes men’s basketball team. There’s a good chances the Canes will reward you with a win. And you might get really lucky… (http://www.hurricanesports.com/SportSelect.dbml?SPID=103777)
RUN ONTHE MIAMI BEACH BOARDWALK: You have to start at some point! You can’t possibly live in Miami and have boobs growing out of your belly button. And there’s no better place to get you off … and running. There’s a perfect view of the ocean and you will be surrounded by beautiful tourists and locals, all flirting with each other, if not trying really hard to pretend they like each other. But you have approximately over 2 miles to run away and stack your shit in order, if you can just look ahead and ignore all the sexy women around you. Try it! (Collins Ave., Between 21st and 46th)
GO TO THE BEACH: You’re still working on the loose change around your belly and don’t have the balls to go shirtless on the beach, just yet. No worries, dude! Drive to South Pointe Park ((1 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, FL 33109, 305-673-7730), the southern tip of South Beach where you can strip naked (alright, maybe not) and relax while being surrounded by ships, strollers, dogs, lunch groupies and locals. It’s a bit stuffy but it also provides enough privacy you just might take off your T-shirt and bask in your first tan under the Miami sunshine.
SHOP …. AT AVENTURA MALL: You’re officially a Miamian by now, so you have the legal right to lift our economy, if not meet some hot single mom, by buying loads of awesome stuff at Aventura Mall (19501 Biscayne Boulevard. Aventura, FL., 305-935-1130). From Burberry to Victoria’s Secret, there are enough luxury brand stores to make women of all shapes and sizes really excited. So, if you recently met a friend and want to make a move…
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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