wordbyfernie: C’mon ladies: You know you love milkshakes, also k...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. Raise your hands, ladies ….. It’s a new year and you live in Miami, so the juice maker, two-dozen carrots and ...
Thursday, 8 January 2015
C’mon ladies: You know you love milkshakes, also known as batidos in the 305
Posted on 13:05 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Raise your hands, ladies …..
It’s a new year and you live in Miami, so the juice maker, two-dozen carrots and Bowflex Max Trainer M5 you purchased on Christmas Eve are respectively rotting in different sections of your house, all of which you walked through this morning in your leather boots before closing the front door, and throwing away the three, empty half-points of vanilla ice cream and dry bones from the fried chicken you ate last night.
You have already been to Dunkin Donuts six times since New Year’s Day.
But you’re from the 305and sprinkled in Latina, so you actually eat three meals a day and wear size 6 jeans, even though you’re really a size 8, and swear on tight blouses because you didn’t pay some dude that is sipping margaritas in Cancun, Mexico right now $4000 to hide what he blessed you with last summer.
And even though they’re loaded with sugar and milk, you love drinking milkshakes because they do miracles for your hips and thighs, and let’s face it: men in Miami love a woman with ample hips and thighs.
And it doesn’t matter that it’s 25 and raining in Buffalo, NY., which is where your best friend wakes up every day to drive to work after wrapping her two daughters in scarfs and jackets, since the only reason you look as if it’s going to snow in Miami tonight is because you have to make good use of those black leather boots your boyfriend gave you for Christmas since its 75 and sunny in the 305 and you can tan on most days in the winter, not to mention drink a thick and sugary batido to stay cool and sexy…
El Palacio de lo Jugos: (Flagler Street, 57th Avenue, 305-264-8662) You’re pumped and feeling hot, not to mention sexy, because you just competed your first 5K without stopping or your boyfriend screaming at you, and in the mood to cool down with a fruit milkshake that oozes sensuality and is so Miami… Do it with a thick and milky batido de mamey and grab some really greasy and awesome Cuban food before you shove a 67-year-old guajiro on your way out of this most generous of palaces.
Los Pinarenos Fruteria: If you’re a dude and have a hot girlfriend make sure she doesn’t have an attitude and sweat High Maintenance perfume because there’s nothing fancy about this small-Calle Ocho fruit market. Just walk up to the counter and order a milkshake (PAPAYA!!) from the old man wearing the straw hat and watch as a smile as wide as what is in your girlfriend’s white yoga pants will take over her face. (1334 SW 8th Street, 305-285-1135):
Walls Old Fashioned Ice Cream: You can’t possibly consider yourself a Miamian if you haven’t pulled into the dark and rocky parking lot of this iconic ice cream spot on a Friday night, especially before or after a UM baseball game, and ordered a strawberry milkshake, or any milkshake for that matter. The staff is friendly and you will feel welcomed because there’s a family-oriented vibe to WOFIC. Oh, and the pizza across the street isn’t too shabby...(8075 SW 67th Avenue, 305-740-9830)
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
wordbyfernie: You know you can’t get enough of your high school ...
Posted on 12:21 by RAJA BABU
#highschoolyearbook #1989 #1988 #LeBron #Miami #2016 wordbyfernie: You know you can’t get enough of your high school ...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. Come clean: Whether you play with yourself all day or lay concrete for a living, there’s a part of you that finds...
You know you can’t get enough of your high school yearbooks …. And LeBron
Posted on 12:19 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Come clean: Whether you play with yourself all day or lay concrete for a living, there’s a part of you that finds it interesting, or mandatory in the case of many women, to occasionally flip through your high school yearbooks to see what some of your former schoolmates looked like 26 years ago before logging into your Facebook account, in place of having dinner, to see what the girl who would show up wearing 11 pounds of mousse in her blown out hair or the dickhead of a baseball player sponsored by a snobby batgirl are up to in 2015.
And by the time you finish flipping through your yearbooks for the 563rd time in the past six months you’re either really excited about the possibility of having the now-45-year-old short, hot blonde message you back on Facebook or in a deep depression because you just saw a family picture confirming the football player you were so hard after in 1989 is now married, has four kids, weighs 289 pounds and collects motorcycles.
But it should not matter that your high school man crush likes Krispy Kreme more than his wife and the rough-around-the-edges female elementary teacher you were trying to reel in over the summer is “married” to a doctor because it's kind of creepy on your part to be looking for a hook up on Facebook, anyway.
But it should not matter that your high school man crush likes Krispy Kreme more than his wife and the rough-around-the-edges female elementary teacher you were trying to reel in over the summer is “married” to a doctor because it's kind of creepy on your part to be looking for a hook up on Facebook, anyway.
Oh, well. Who cares, right? It’s always so interesting, never mind a lot of fun, to take a look and compare faces, hair, body shapes, body parts and names, especially if you’re really into social media and can’t believe a self-proclaimed stoner well into his 20s and now a single father is currently tossing around perhaps the hottest 44-year-old woman in your graduation class and that plastic surgery has uplifted, among other things, a good portion of the women you roamed the halls of Miami Southwest Senior High School with in 1989.
Unofficially, I think six of the 16 women in my shorthand class in 1989, including one I see in downtown Miami on a regular basis, have undergone some type of surgical procedure, all of the cosmetic variety.
But it’s so much fun to snoop around on them, since all of them snoop around on you as well. C’mon let’s be honest: What are high school yearbooks good for anyway, if not catching up or making fun of “old friends”?
Unofficially, I think six of the 16 women in my shorthand class in 1989, including one I see in downtown Miami on a regular basis, have undergone some type of surgical procedure, all of the cosmetic variety.
But it’s so much fun to snoop around on them, since all of them snoop around on you as well. C’mon let’s be honest: What are high school yearbooks good for anyway, if not catching up or making fun of “old friends”?
That’s why it’s hard to look at Patty Alvarez, all of her sparkling white teeth, streaky hair and enhancements on full display for everybody to see and depressed 45-year-old men and former classmates to make really stupid comments on, and not picture her playing Sofia Vergara in a 2035 biopic for The Lifetime Channel.
How about the aforementioned elementary teacher who leads a church, is relatively smart and makes pretend doctors are chasing her on her spare time, although she’s married to one? She wears the look of a tired mom and wife just waiting, waiting, for the perfect opportunity to start fooling around.
There’s the part-time writer with the bag of kids who looks more and more feminine with the passing of time. Oh, and supposedly she used to bake cakes, too. And I know because I bought one several years ago. And fortunately, she didn’t lace it with poison.
There’s the part-time writer with the bag of kids who looks more and more feminine with the passing of time. Oh, and supposedly she used to bake cakes, too. And I know because I bought one several years ago. And fortunately, she didn’t lace it with poison.
Wait, wait.. I am sorry to inform you my loyal readers that I have to step away from my high school yearbook dissection because one of my sports predictions for 2016 has already become a reality …..
SIX DAYS.
It took just SIX days into 2015 for LeBron James, with the full blessing of whatever portion of the Cleveland Cavaliers organization LeKing doesn’t control, of course, to start shuffling around sofas inside an uninspiring house and add some color to the walls by acquiring Iman Shumpert and J.R. SMITH – J. R. SMITH!! – from the New York Knicks, therefore erasing one of my sports predictions for the new year quickly off the dry board and allowing the best basketball player on the planet to not only start getting his feet wet as the new Cavaliers General Manager but set the wheels in motion for the firing of coach David Blatt.
Ironically, General Manager LeBron’s first move comes just days after the Cavaliers announced that on-the-court LeBron would be taking a two-week break to recover from back and knee soreness. But unfortunately for LeCrown haters, especially sophomoric sports radio morning co-host in Miami, who spend most of the their time on the air saying really childish things about LeKing and Cleveland, whenever they’re not laughing really loud into the microphones or pretending to know anything about sports because the only thing hot about their favorite team, the Miami Heat, right now is the blonde girl who sits over Eric Spoelstra’s right shoulder at home games, and Hassan Whiteside, the Cavaliers and J.R. Smith will definitely make the 2015 NBA Playoffs while the Heat will … sneak in as an eighth-seed, behind Brooklyn and Milwaukee.
Think about that for a second: A guy who swears on spilled soda and was playing just two years is going to lead the Bucks to the playoffs. The Heat? We still have another four years of Chris Bosh chugging three-pointers from just about anywhere on the court and Dwyane Wade’s really pudgy face - for now.
But honestly: It’s not the equivalent of your three-day old goldfish dying in front of your face if you’re a professional basketball fan in Miami. You still have the beach, loads of beautiful women walking around as if wearing clothes was illegal, Bernie and Pat Riley. So, check back in 2016 when the Heat will attack free agency with the vigor of a full-court press.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
Competition among women: Is it just a lack of confidence?
Posted on 11:08 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
If you live or spend a good chunk of your time in Miami, you’ve probably snorted … mum inhaled a good doze of it at your favorite coffee shop while waiting for your morning latte, walking around in circles at the deli section, where shopping is a test of your patience, especially after a long day at work, and sitting under an umbrella of a sidewalk café on a steamy Saturday afternoon as barely-there string bikinis after string bikinis stroll on by: competition among women.
Women, especially in the 305, where fake tits and uncertified doctors rule, have a reputation for being spiteful and competitive with other women, unlike men, who for the most part, don’t behave like elementary kids around other men. And it’s pretty perplexing when you think women are actually less competitive than men in the world and in most cases, not very comfortable being competitive at all.
But it’s not too difficult to piece the parts together on why the two genders are worlds apart when it’s time to compete. Strong competition and utter confidence are encouraged in boys but often frowned upon as undesirable traits in girls.
Teamwork and friendship are the glue that hardens the bond between men in competition. Therefore and not surprising, men, for the most part, are comfortable with competing and view winning as a key element of the game, and rarely feel sorry for those on the losing end of the spectrum, whether it’s at C.B Smith on Sunday mornings or in their best friend’s bedroom with his wife.
Since women are taught early on that they are not supposed to be competitive and win at all costs, even if it means misery for another human being, their competitive drive is rarely shared openly, instead becoming a feeling of envy and desire for others to fall flat on her face – literally and figuratively. So what appears as healthy competition among women is in reality a mixture of insecurity, fear of success and healthy aggression.
And I am writing from experience because I have felt both sides of the pillow in recent years, and continue to do so.
And I am writing from experience because I have felt both sides of the pillow in recent years, and continue to do so.
From late-2004 to mid-2007, I had a serious relationship with a caring and tender then-23-year-old women who taught me how to share, love, care, laugh, respect and give a bit more, while I instilled confidence, confidence and more confidence in her because she had none, whether she was at the park jogging, at the theatre – in the dark mind you – watching a movie and inside a Victoria Secret’s dressing room, with me, trying on the latest thong and a few other things.
As if the stamp you were about to place on the corner of the envelope wasn’t wet enough, she always needed approval; that final stamp of approval. She had always been cuddled at home and was by all accounts experiencing the light of day for the first time. And I enjoyed it because not only did it provide me with a sense of responsibility but a feeling of accomplishment; kind of like planting a seed and watching the plant grow to unimaginable heights.
Now, fast forward to November 2008 when I struck up a fast and friendly relationship, for the time being, with a Cuban-born, 23-year-old woman short on material but long on confidence and life, and one uprooted by political reasons to the point her father walked out of her life when she was 12 and she’s been working in some capacity since the age of 14.
She looked out for the house and for her mom and grandmother, while never losing hope that someday she would have a better life. Today, she is 29, a college graduate, drives a 2015 sports car, stills cooks a mean chicken steak and black beans, and is mature beyond her years. And doesn’t envy a soul because all she has to do is stand in front of the mirror naked and smile. And she does it on a regular basis.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Monday, 5 January 2015
wordbyfernie: Getting your feet wet … in Miami: Top-5 must-dos i...
Posted on 12:47 by RAJA BABU
#newinmiami #thingstodo #wordbyfernie: Getting your feet wet … in Miami: Top-5 must-dos i...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. 2015 is almost a week old, therefore you probably have already skipped out on the gym, twice, ignored the chummy ...
Getting your feet wet … in Miami: Top-5 must-dos in the 305 for a new Miamian
Posted on 12:46 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
2015 is almost a week old, therefore you probably have already skipped out on the gym, twice, ignored the chummy lady who always waves when she walks by on your morning run, have yet to speak to your father, although he lives in the same city you do and you “love” your stepmother, failed to open the new Bible on your nightstand after begging your best friend to “please, please!” buy you one and downed two bottles of really expensive wine and Grey Goose with the help of some friends on New Year’s Day after swearing at 11:58 pm the night before you would never have another alcoholic beverage in your life.
Nice going there, buddy. At this rate, you will weigh 235 pounds by Valentine’s Day or be divorced after finding your wife in bed with your boss, go another 10 months without speaking to YOUR FATHER, have no clue what to do the next time you open the front doors of a church, be ignored or get really weird looks at the next family gathering and be in rehab before the Super Bowl. And luckily will have no time to sit in front of your plasma and stomach a useless array of ads begging you to get your fat ass in shape, followed by Joe Montana stuffing his face with “free pizza” in front of Peyton Manning and the Papa John’s dude.
But be real: You recently moved to Miami from San Diego in an effort to get as far away as possible from your crazy ex-wife and whip yourself back into beach shape, among other things, like getting ------ 12 times a week and eating really greasy food while trying to learn a few words in Spanish with the help of a flirtatious waitress on Calle Ocho, so you’re as loose as a distance runner and ready to start the new year in the best city in the world; And with no worries, so here are the Top-5 must-dos for a new Miamian, especially if you’re single, hungry, adventurous, into running, hoping to run into Beyonce on the beach, naked, on a tight budget, a sports freak and like to flirt.
EAT CUBAN FOOD: You have been awesome with your new diet of carrot juice and adult content magazines for almost five days now. But unplug the blender, after watching your hands of course, and take a trip to El Palacios de los Jugos (Flagler Street & 57TH Avenue, Miami, FL., 305-264-8662), the palace of all Cuban food palaces, and one overflowing with food sections, all stacked to the brim with white rice, yucca, pork, seafood, sandwiches and fruit juices of all kinds. And if you really want to make it an experience to remember snap your fingers at one of the ladies behind the buzzy counter and tell her to bag you some chicarrones, the best in the 305. This endless parade of in-your-face Cuban food will have you begging for a bowl of oatmeal in the morning. Well, maybe…
GO TO A BASKETBALL GAME… IN THE GABLES: Yeah, I know. The obvious choice would be a trip downtown to see our favorite professional basketball team, the Miami Heat, or what’s left of it. But honestly: Dwyane Wade’s face keeps getting pudgier by the second, Chris Bosh shoots way too many three-pointers and the defending Eastern Conference champions are giving meaningful minutes to Hassan Whiteside while internally praying Shabazz Napier gets his shit together down in the D-League; And quick. Translation: Check back with the Heat in October. Besides, you don’t want to pay $400 for a lower level seat to watch the Heat get smoked by the Bulls and have a 53-year-old with lips like a yellow snapper flirting with you in front of Dan Le Batard’s mom. Instead, take a drive to Coral Gables and invest, at least for the evening, on the Hurricanes men’s basketball team. There’s a good chances the Canes will reward you with a win. And you might get really lucky… (http://www.hurricanesports.com/SportSelect.dbml?SPID=103777)
RUN ONTHE MIAMI BEACH BOARDWALK: You have to start at some point! You can’t possibly live in Miami and have boobs growing out of your belly button. And there’s no better place to get you off … and running. There’s a perfect view of the ocean and you will be surrounded by beautiful tourists and locals, all flirting with each other, if not trying really hard to pretend they like each other. But you have approximately over 2 miles to run away and stack your shit in order, if you can just look ahead and ignore all the sexy women around you. Try it! (Collins Ave., Between 21st and 46th)
GO TO THE BEACH: You’re still working on the loose change around your belly and don’t have the balls to go shirtless on the beach, just yet. No worries, dude! Drive to South Pointe Park ((1 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, FL 33109, 305-673-7730), the southern tip of South Beach where you can strip naked (alright, maybe not) and relax while being surrounded by ships, strollers, dogs, lunch groupies and locals. It’s a bit stuffy but it also provides enough privacy you just might take off your T-shirt and bask in your first tan under the Miami sunshine.
SHOP …. AT AVENTURA MALL: You’re officially a Miamian by now, so you have the legal right to lift our economy, if not meet some hot single mom, by buying loads of awesome stuff at Aventura Mall (19501 Biscayne Boulevard. Aventura, FL., 305-935-1130). From Burberry to Victoria’s Secret, there are enough luxury brand stores to make women of all shapes and sizes really excited. So, if you recently met a friend and want to make a move…
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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