Dame mas cachu: My Top 5 burger spots in Miami

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

Admit it chico y chica; you’re so Miami, you keep your L. A. Fitness membership card in your back pocket or bra, and your favorite sun tanning booth manager on speed dial. And eat sushi for breakfast.

But if by chance you don’t shower with Evian water, spend $300 at Target every four days and actually work, you’ve probably craved a burger once or twice in your life without having to drive to the joint that recently gave its favorite clown a makeover and a place that insist your 13-year-old wear a crown on his head, while eating an apple.

No worries, because @wordbyfernie has your back, especially if you’re dying to bite into a burger that actually takes more than three minutes to cook.

Shake Shack: I made a very unpopular decision with a friend, while in New York several years ago; stopping at this burger joint for lunch in the middle of the day. Well, it was well worth the wait and she would agree. The Black Angus beef is juicy and tender, with or without fries, and their Vanilla shake is worth every penny. And the brain freeze. I’m not a cheese nerd, but my friend recommends you order some cheese fries. Friendly-advice: If you’re 6’3”, 225-pounds order two burgers because for the woman sitting next to you, size is everything (1450 S. Dixie Hwy, Coral Gables, 786-470-3701).

Shake it up: Eating a one of these at the Shake Shack is highly recommended

Lokal Burgers & Beer: Would you believe this Coconut Grove hot spot serves beer and grass-fed beef from some ranch in Ocala? And you won’t find any hormones and antibiotics anywhere in all that juicy awesomeness. You’ll have so many burgers to choose from once you open the menu; you’re probably going to be planning your second visit before anybody shows up to take your order. But you can’t go wrong with the Lokal, which comes stuffed with tomatoes, avocados, lettuce, red onions, jack cheese, and homemade honey mustard on a bun. The burgers are served with regular or sweet-potato fries or a little of both (just ask). And you have to wash it all down with what else, a beer. (3149 Commodore Plaza, Miami, FL, 33133, 305-442-3377)

Burger & Beer Joint: How can you not possibly fall in love with a burger joint that names burgers after famous songs, especially if you’re a music geek? Well, like me! And it’s kind of like choosing your favorite song on a juke box because you have dozens of ways to customize your own burger. There’s plenty of cold beer and burgers until the wee hours amid the no-frills attitude inside this dimmed spot. If you’re human you can try the Hotel California, which is a thick piece of Angus beef with loads of ranchero salsa, guacamole, grilled red onions, cilantro sour cream, cheddar and a fried egg. And if you’re not human, you can try biting into the 10-pound, $125 Mother Burger. Good luck! (900 S. Miami Avenue, Miami, FL 33130, 305-523-2244)

Latin Burger & Taco:  If you can’t catch up to the their black and pink truck at a Miami spot near you, then head over to Coral Gables and ask for a Latin macho burger, a wet dream consisting of a half-pound of ground chorizo and sirloin smothered with Oaxaca cheese and sweet onions. You might want to leave your Polo shirt and white pants hanging in the closet when you make the trip here, unless you’re a really neat slob. If not, come straight off the basketball court or running track because it’s likely to get messy. (232 Miracle Mile, Coral Gables, FL 33134, 305-787-4911)

Bourbon Steak: In the mood to step it up? Well, take a seat at the gorgeous and humungous bar and smell the meat, before being handed a form and a pencil, which you will use to order your choice of protein (lamb, all-beef, heritage turkey or vegetarian).  And you’re already here, so you better top that piece of heaven with bacon, avocado, mushrooms or seared foie gras. And watch your step on the way out, because you can’t possibly leave without having a Jim Bean shake. (19999 West Country Club Drive, Aventura, FL 33180, 786-279-6600)