2014 NFL Preview: Have you ever seen Tim Wright drunk?

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

I know, I know.

We’re just a few hours away from being blessed with Al Michaels’ very red hair and a game that actually counts at CenturyLink Field in Seattle, WA., where the defending champion Seahawks will host the Green Bay Packers to ring in the 2014 NFL season, and take approximately three hours of your life to prove to you and the rest of the country that Aaron Rodgers, or any other Packers’ player for that matter, has absolutely no shot at winning the Super Bowl this season, because Russell Wilson is laughing, while also licking his upper lip, at the thought that adding Julius Peppers to a below-average defense is going to pose any kind of threat to the Seahawks, 49ers, Broncos, Patriots, Bears, Steelers or any other team this season.

                                                 Erin Andrews is already scared.

 

But with sincere apologies to Cheesheads all over the red, white and blue, especially in Wisconsin, where Cheeseheads at Lambeau Field are very considerate with their Swiss cheese (my favorite) and sausages (my favorite), I’ve been recovering from back surgery from an injury I suffered at Churchill Downs in May thanks to suspended-Denver Broncos receiver Wes Welker, who apparently was in a very generous mood and thought it would be very funny to start throwing $100 bills everywhere, all in the name of helping our economy, and not because a very happy  and very rich Wes Welker, 33, is under the illusion he’s still 23 and probably doesn’t remember what he actually did at the 2014 Kentucky Derby, and for that matter never will, although it happened just four months ago. In all honestly: Wes Welker needs a break!

Seriously: I’ve been wrapped up in the Four-Letter Network’s round-the-clock coverage of the 2014 season, which according to the Four-Letter Network consists solely of a 7^thround draft pick that happens to be gay and who happens to shower with other men in the locker room, a rich 21-year-old backup quarterback who loves doing what any rich 21-year-old backup quarterback would enjoy doing and a quarterback who sells a lot of satellite dishes and pizzas. Ok, he’s pretty good.

                                            Does anybody know where Wes Welker is?

But turn away from the Four-Letter Network for a few minutes, if you will please, and pay attention because I can guarantee you the 2014 NFL season WILL NOT rest solely on the shoulders of Michael Sam, Johnny Manziel, Peyton Manning and the Four-Letter Network.

Therefore, you, my dedicated Leatherhead, you, have enough reason to be as pumped for Week 2 as you are for Week 1, unless you’re a diehard NFL fan and live in Dallas, Oakland, Houston, Miami, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Minnesota, Buffalo, Tennessee and New York, and swear on the Giants.

HUT! HUT! HIKE!

32. Cowboys: Michael Sam has a decent shot of being on the 53-man roster before Thanksgiving because Michael Sam has an excellent shot of filling Jerry Jones’ pockets with lots of $$$. And Johnny Manziel does not.

31. Texans: If Adrian Foster is so smart, Adrian Foster should ask to be traded tomorrow. So, should Andre Johnson and J. J. Watt

30. Raiders: I have a soft spot for starting quarterbacks with less hair on their head than mine. That’s until I found out, rookie Derek Carr, not Matt Schaub, will be the Raiders’ starting QB. Start drinking now, Raiders’ fans.

29. Vikings: Adrian Peterson goes to sleep crying every night, with Jerry Jones on the line. That’s if Adrian Peterson will be able to talk at all, after being pounded to the ground repeatedly by offensive coordinator Norv Turner.

28. Browns: Johnny Manziel will party next weekend. Johnny Manziel will also play the Sunday before Halloween. Johnny Manziel will also get hit a lot every Sunday that he does play. Johnny Manziel will also count a lot of $$$ this season.

27. Titans: Warm up the fireplace and watch your “Music City Miracle” tape for the 176^thtime.

26. Jaguars: Pray, Tim Tebow still thinks he can play NFL football. Or pray Blake Bortles is under center, like next week. Seriously.

25. Dolphins: Check back in 2015, when this team will have a new head coach, general manager, and hopefully new uniforms. In the meantime, go pour some suntan lotion on your woman before it’s too late.

24. Rams: Mark Sanchez – MARK SANCHEZ! – sent word he rather stay in Philly, not move to St. Louis. Oh, well. That’s even more reason for Robert Quinn, Chris Long and Aaron Donald to terrorize opposing quarterbacks, which they will.

23. Giants: I’m optimistic the Giants score in Times Square, or somewhere, since the Giants will not be scoring much on any football field this season. Warning: Don’t buy Eli Manning-H.O.F. stock.

22. Bills: Hello, E.J. Manuel! One of the best teams in the league at running the ball and stopping the run, the Bills will make a serious leap if their starting QB produces anything. Start printing... Sammy Watkins T-shirts!

21. Washington: What’s my nickname? That’s the question Robert Griffin III will be asked repeatedly this season as he’s lying flat on his back. Hopefully, Robert Griffin III doesn’t answer the question.

20. Ravens: Placing big expectations on a man of Steve Smith’s stature is so unfair; seriously.



19. Lions: The secondary is going to be targeted a lot. And a borderline playoff team could pay heavily, thanks to a tough second-half of the schedule.

18. Falcons: Steven Jackson is hurt, again. And the Falcons’ defense has been hurting for years.

17. Panthers: Here’s your game plan if you’re playing Carolina on Sunday, or any other Sunday this season: THROW THE BALL A LOT!

16. Steelers: DARKHORSE ALERT: A revamped, and younger, defensive line, a thinner Ben Roethlisberger, a new free safety (Mike Mitchell), a manageable schedule and Mike Tomlin’s underrated brain = very dangerous team.

15. Bengals: Andy Dalton is a rich man, and so is Marvin Lewis. Now, think about that for a second.

14. Cardinals: Top-5 defense in the league, even without Darnell Dockett, and the departed Karlos Dansby. Problem is, the Cards reside in the NFC West.

13. Buccaneers: Tampa Bay will be back on your Super Bowl radar by 2016, thanks to Lovie Smith, Jeff Tedford and Gerald McCoy, mostly.



12. Eagles: They’re in the right place (NFC East) at the right time (2014).

11. Jets. Trending upward; trust me. And Rex Ryan is laughing at you.

10. Chiefs: Alex Smith has an awesome touchdown/interception ratio. Alex Smith has an awesome touchdown/interception ratio because Alex Smith can’t throw the ball over 20 yards.



9. Chargers: SLEEPER ALERT:  A stout defense, another year under Keenan Allen’s huge hands, another newborn for Phillip Rivers, an improved defense and a kind schedule, outside of the AFC West, is plenty for San Diego to make a giant leap.

8. Colts: Due for a fall; a hard one. Check back in 2015.

7. Bears: For the first time in a long time, the Bears offense is the talk of the town. And for the time in a long time, the Bears are legit Super Bowl contenders.

6. Packers: Eat cheese and scream DEFENSE! VERY LOUD! (See above.)

5. 49ers: I’m not really into men that act like 3-year-old children on the sidelines, especially men wearing khaki pants. Unless, your name is Jim Harbaugh and you coach a professional football team in San Francisco.
 

4. Saints: Drew Brees has a legitimate shot at throwing for 6,000 yards. Drew Brees also has a legitimate shot at playing in the Super Bowl. 
 

3. Seahawks: Somebody please convince me Pete Carroll isn’t 32, runs 10K’s and has a real hot girlfriend, and styles Russell Wilson’s hair. Or isn’t a really good football coach.



2. Broncos: Peyton Manning will throw a lot of touchdown passes. Peyton Manning will also throw for a lot of yards. Unfortunately, Peyton Manning doesn’t have a beard as cool as Tom Brady’s.



1. Patriots: Tim Wright and Tom Brady, not Aaron Hernandez or Logan Mankins, will be drinking heavily, and responsibly of course, on the early morning of Feb. 2, 2015.

 

 Nice beard: Hair or no hair, Tom Brady will be doing some serious partying on Feb. 2, 2015

GOING BOWLING: Patriots vs. Seahawks