By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Have you ever been in a lively discussion about Cuban food in Miami, in the middle of the street with your very passionate, hands-on-hips and redheaded-Cuban girlfriend?
Bueno, asere: Te deseo suerte, because if you live in Miami and you’re as Cuban as two pounds of arroz Blanco, frijoles Negros and Rabo Encendido from El Palacios de los Jugos, or me, and have a Cuban girlfriend, you’re probably not going to win any discussion, no matter what your little Mamey-brain thinks is the best place in Miami to bury your face in a sopa de pollo, especially if it’s 1:30 in the afternoon and your Cuban girlfriend has to be back at the web designing agency she’s employed at by 2:15.
Pero Tito, that’s no reason to let your Cuban girlfriend steam your Hugo Boss collar in the middle of a boiling Miami afternoon.
Listen: Take a deep breath, after crossing the street and wiping your forehead with your hand, of course, and use your brain dude, before opening your wallet - Por favor!! – because there’s plenty of Cuban food in Miami to not only satisfy your Cuban girlfriend, but make sure her fine --- is back at work by… you guessed it 2:15.
And te prometo, you too will be satisfied to the last white button on your Hugo Boss dress shirt. So, just lock your right index finger around her perfectly-manicured right index finger and take her for a walk, while reading up on some of my favorite places to get Cuban food in Miami. And fast! Vamos Chico! Que esperas!!? Dale!!!!
El Palacios de los Jugos: If you’re on a diet, I suggest you still go to this generous palace of food sections, which are regularly overflowing with mounds of rice, boiled yucca, pork, seafood, JUICES of all kinds, sandwiches, and more pork y guajiros por todas partes. And those guajiros, and everybody else hovering over the platanitos fritos you’re about to take home, are probably snapping their fingers at the lady behind the counter because they’re dying to get their hands on one of those greasy, paper-brown bags filled with the best chicarrones (pork rinds for those that don’t get it) in the 305. This merry-go-round of endless Cuban-fused carbs is good enough to turn off your cellphone – C’mon Mimi! – because, let’s be serious: you rather be stuffing your face here, not talking to some fat sales rep from Jenny Craig. (Flagler Street & 57THAvenue, Miami, FL., 305-264-8662)
Exquisito: Smack in a tight and buzzy spot on Calle Ocho, the customer-friendly Exquisito is the home of some of the best arroz Blanco, frijoles Negros and sweetest platanitos in Miami. But throw some of their juicy and tender Vaca Frita over the arroz Blanco and frijoles Negros, and you too might beg your Cuban girlfriend to call her boss, to tell him she’s going to be a few minutes late because you’re probably not going anywhere until you down one of their creamy café con leches. (1510 SW 8th St., Miami, FL 33135, 305-643-0227)
Villa Habana: Your Cuban girlfriend might scream “Estas loco!” when you pull up to this old village tucked away on Coral Way. But I give you permission to fire back with “Oye, chica no jodas mas!” porque this little spot is always bursting with some mean lunch specials, including Ropa Vieja, Breaded Chicken and Arroz con Pollo. You might want to suggest on the way out the manager tell the owner to update the décor, but the Cuban food at this joint will never grow old. (3398 Coral Way, Miami, FL 33145, 305-446-7427)
Sergio’s: This is one of my personal favorites for quick service, solid choices on the menu and lively atmosphere. And their portions! I mean their Bread Chicken, which I usually throw over arroz Blanco, frijoles Negros and fried plantains, is the size of what my Cuban girlfriend was sitting on the last time we went to Sergio’s. And it’s so big and juicy, that you’re probably going to return on Sunday for their awesome breakfast of eggs, ham, tostada and café. (3252 SW 22ndSt., Miami, FL 33145, 305-529-0047)
Versailles: I probably wouldn’t go out of my way to make it here, especially if it’s going to get my Cuban girlfriend’s red thong wrinkled, but there is no better place at 12:30 a.m. on a Saturday after going to the Marc Anthony concert, since your Cuban girlfriend will probably be craving a huge Cuban sandwich, un batido de Mamey, una sopa de platano (green plantain soup) and 13 pounds of mariquitas (plantain chips). And a quickie at Walmart before going home, just to make sure she’s not preggers. (3555 SW 8TH St., Miami, FL 33139, 305-444-0240
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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