Week 1: Wendi Nix is AWESOME and the Cowboys are funny

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

The Hugo Boss collars at the Four-Letter-Network, which just turned the corner on 35 years of shoving Chris Berman, Chris Berman, Chris Berman and a backup quarterback down your throat – alright, only if you’ve been watching the Four-Letter Network for 11 hours a day since 2013 you’re probably not going to name your kid, Johnny – concluded it would be a great idea to wake you and me up on the first real ‘NFL-Sunday in America’ of the year with a heavy dosage of the Four-Letter-Network, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Michael Sam, Johnny Manziel, of course, and .. Chris Berman because the F0ur-Letterman-Network can’t possibly celebrate a birthday without having Chris Berman scream at us 28 times before our first cup of coffee in the morning; And denying us the pleasure of  Wendi Nix in a laced-red dress.

You too were probably singing “ya no puede mas...” if you were still watching the Four-Letter-Network seven hours after the conclusion of Sunday Countdown yesterday, and probably dancing in your living room because Chris Berman wasn’t on your TV screen, and Herm Edwards was, since Herm Edwards has no interest in being an amateur comedian, never has to comb over hair on a bad dye day, or any other day, and doesn’t wear yellow ties from T.J. Maxx or Ross. And if what I saw yesterday is correct, has great chemistry with Wendi Nix. But, who wouldn’t have great chemistry with Wendi Nix, especially when Wendi Nix is wearing a beautiful laced-red dress and bone-colored pumps; And crushing it.

Not to over the top and very articulate, the 39-year-old Nix, a longtime-sports reporter who rose out of the Boston area and is an underrated talent at the F.L. N., in my opinion, was witty right out of the box with her dig at Jets’ fans, fair and forthcoming in her thoughts on the Patriots and patient and prepared whenever she injected her comments in conversation with Edwards, Keshawn Johnson and Mike Ditka.

Wendi Nix is 1-0, which reminds me… Are you still snoring with a bowl of cheese dip and the remote control on your chest? Wakeup dude! Here’s what you might have missed.

A Jerome Bettis cartoon with your coffee: You guessed it: The Four-Letter-Network, perhaps in the name of meaningless conversations between fathers and sons all over America, or colorful publicity hours before the 1 p.m. kickoffs, hit us with an animated look at the former Steelers running back’s return home to play the Lions in Detroit, on Thanksgiving five years ago. They’re just crushing it in Bristol. I mean what 12-year-old kid is sitting in front of their TV at 9:12 a.m. on a Sunday waiting for a cartoon, and not the gambling segment that immediately follows the cartoon?

Cowboys’ fans actually showed up at AT&T Stadium dressed as 49ers’ fans: About the only thing the thousands of 49ers fans who filled Jerry’s World yesterday didn’t do was steal the turf and take it back to the Bay Area in bags. Or make Jerry Jones laugh, even though the Cowboys provided plenty of them during a 28-17 loss to San Francisco. ‘Cowboys Bloopers’ video on sale near you.

                                                  Check my pulse: Jerry Jones needs a drink.

What is that on Tom Brady’s face? : Alright, alright, alright.. There’s absolutely no way Giselle can be happy about her husband walking around Back Bay looking homeless. Just take a look at what happened yesterday: The Patriots, my pick to rep the AFC in the Super Bowl, left Sun Life Stadium after halftime and Tommy was so embarrassed he constantly covered his face, with a Gatorade towel you know, when the cameras happened to find him on the sidelines. And Dolphins’ fans are so ecstatic about the victory they are crediting it to the heat on the field, even though Tom Brady has played football in South Florida at 1 p.m. on a Sunday, like 168 times.

Allen Hurns is coming over for dinner: Alright, maybe not. And why should he, after scoring two touchdowns and making a lot of the Eagles’ would-be-tacklers look like imposters. Undrafted out of the University of Miami, you’re going to be buying him a lot of steaks and drinks at a sports bar near you, especially if you live in Jacksonville and are praying Tim Tebow doesn’t get fired from the SEC Network.

Why is Rex Ryan dancing?:  I would be in the mood to dance too, if I coached the Jets and just saw the clinching-touchdown – in front of my face – to beat the .. Raiders. But Rex Ryan might want to hold off on doing a tango in the middle of a game.

                                                    Hit the music maestro: Rex Ryan wants to dance with you.

The Cowboys need HELP! : Have I ever told you the Cowboys can’t tackle, can’t hang on to the ball, can’t afford a 34-year-old quarterback with a messed up back, can’t continue to fool millions of fans all over the world, and can’t fool us into thinking they don’t need Michael Sam, immediately.

Johnny didn’t play: Week 1 is in the bin and the greatest backup quarterback in the history of Cleveland, Ohio hasn’t played; which should have all Cleveland Browns’ fans excited about Week 2.

                                                  Can you believe this guy still hasn't played in a real game?
                                           
RGIII is a quarterback: Can we stop making excuses for Washington’s starting quarterback, like now? It’s been a while and the kid still isn’t the greatest quarterback since Johnny Manziel, and as predicted by the Four-Letter-Network, the Three-Letter-Network and the Two-Letter-Network. Stop please!

We Will Survive: Ah.. the Patriots and Saints are still going to be playing in January; the Dolphins and Vikings are not.