By Fernie Ruano Jr.
“Porque está lloviendo? ¡Creo que te has vuelto loco!”
It’s Friday and raining, and you can smell the leather on your R.T.G. armchair couch and taste the foam from the Corona 12-pack in your freezer so badly saliva is running out the both sides of your mouth and onto the conference table of your 15th floor downtown Miami-office, where it’s 4: 30 p.m. and 15 of your co-workers are also pretending to be writing down all the shit the marketing director is saying.
Honestly: You just want to loosen up your Hugo Boss tie, jump in your 2015 BMW and floor it on I-95, which hopefully – for your sake – isn’t backed up for 13 miles because a driver from Nachon Lumber just dropped 17 pounds of wood exiting NW 79th street. But maybe it’s a smooth ride and you’re lucky enough to make it home in time to catch the last 15 minutes of CBS4’s 6 p.m. newscast, and if you’re really lucky an off-beat story courtesy of Vanessa Borge – before your wife gets home and picks up on the “conversation” you guys were having while you were inhaling your Publix sub at 2 p.m.
Pero, cojelo suave...Before you start firing away really bad Spanish words in her direction just think; the kids might be in the next room, you haven’t gotten laid in 17 days and your favorite football team plays on Sunday. So, take her - and the kids, if appropriate - wherever they want to go since there are plenty of things to do this weekend to keep everybody in your house happy and your ass out of divorce court.
Don’t be an asshole...FRIDAY 9/26: Are you human? Do you enjoy beautiful women walking right at you in tiny outfits? Do you like not being ridiculed in public? Well, put on a pair of Perry Ellis slim fit jeans and a Perry Ellis dress shirt, and go do some good at the Fashion for Humanity, a non-profit event shining some positive light on three charities: American Heart Association, Clothes4Soles and Achilles International. Just think: You’re going to be able to ogle really hot models when your wife goes to the bathroom, of course, and get a nice buzz going while you listen to DJ music, revel in the hip hop dancing, get splashed with some body paint and dance with a single mom from Bogota, Colombia. Ok, the last one is at your discretion. But hurry, because all the awesomeness starts at 6 p.m. (6-9 p.m., Segafredo Zanetti Expresso Café, 1421 S. Miami Ave., 305-577-9811, $10)
No touching, please: Kate Upton is NOT scheduled to appear at the Fashion for Humanity Fashion Show.
SATURDAY 9/27: You washed your car, picked up some bread and toothpaste at Target, got some fried chicken and a sub at Publix and your wife is so happy, she’s wearing a pair of blue skinny jeans, a white blouse with no bra and flip flops, exposing her blood-red toenails. So, pile up the kids and take a ride to the grand reopening of one of your favorite places when you were 7 and in the mood for a cheeseburger and toy: Burger King. They’re going to bust out with a bunch of fun stuff for the kiddies, including prizes, games and a renovated playground. You might even get one of those cool crowns. Not you; your kid! (1074 NE 99th St.)If your kids speak pretty decent Spanish, it’s probably because you’ve done a pretty nice job of teaching them the language at home. And your wife is Colombian. Just kidding.. It doesn’t matter where your wife is from and where your kids were born to listen to some vallenato and learn really cool stuff at the 2014 Viva Miami (Business) Expo, hosted by the South Florida Hispanic Chamber of Commerce in celebration of Hispanic Heritage Month. You’re going to be swimming in your culture with all the food, music, arts and craft, if not learning about how to start or reinvigorate a small business, packing up college scholarship information for your kids and watching them sweat like pigs at the children’s pavilion. (11 a.m. – 7 p.m., Double Tree by Hilton, 711 NW 72ndAve., Free)
SUNDAY 9/28: All your friends got up at 6 a.m. to go pick up the boat at the marina or shine their golf clubs. You, on the other hand, refuse to give up on your favorite football team and are praying your wife doesn’t slap you across your heart with another birthday party; a kid’s birthday party. But it’s alright to show some balls today. Mandala para el … y stretch your lazy ass on your sofa because the Dolphins need all your love, seriously. Your coach is as good as fired, your starting quarterback can’t throw the ball over 12 yards, all your running backs are playing Madden ’15 in the training room and your 2014 first-round draft pick has a serious addiction. So, cheer LOUD. The Dolphins need you! (Raiders vs. Dolphins, CBS, 1 p.m., ALL SPORTS BARS)
0 comments:
Post a Comment