By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Will Muschamp is still employed and the Gators are still mathematically eligible to win the SEC East. And I’m still praying for heavy lightning and rain over Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, on approximately six of the next 11 Saturdays. Lane Kiffin and Nick Saban are still buddies, LSU running back Leonard Fournette still hasn’t seriously injured an opposing tackler, Florida State quarterback Jamesis Winston is still really good, and Florida International University Athletic Director Pete Garcia is still an asshole, since Florida International University Athletic Director Pete Garcia has always been an asshole. And Miami head coach Al Golden needs a makeover. Still.
And that about sums up Week 1 in a nutshell, if you were actually doing something with your life and not staring at Mark May while Mark May tried very hard to convince you Florida State’s run at a second straight national championship is in serious jeopardy, well because Florida State only scored 37 points Saturday night against Oklahoma State, and you know, every team on Florida State’s schedule is going to play them very hard, according to May, even though Winston is still pretty good at shoving defenders out of the way, if not running over them. But while it was great to see pimply kids banging on drums and USC cheerleaders on the sidelines, again, it wasn’t so great to see men, which can afford to buy your entire family, your best friend’s family and your best friend’s best friend’s family, looking like your 5-year-old kid does at 1:05 p.m. on a Saturday after arriving at his neighbor’s birthday party at 12:45 p.m. Since, really grown men that are in charge of coaching at some of the premiere Div. I programs in the country shouldn’t look like slobs on your TV as they are stalked by 25 cameras, each and every college football Saturday, Friday, Thursday, Sunday, or Wednesday.
Let’s go to the chalkboard. And maybe throw in some style tips.
Al Golden: Kudos to Al for taking his mother’s lifelong advice and wearing a shirt and tie on the sidelines to honor the game. But the head man’s good deed stops being a good deed shortly after kickoff week in and week out, when Golden looks as if he just ran through a line of waterholes, not smoke. A sweat-soaked mess of a man Golden usually has his sleeves rolled up, his dress shirt slightly tucked out and his khaki pants stained midway the first quarter, while he repeatedly runs his right hand through his hair after screaming at a referee or two. Note to Coach Golden: Pack an extra dress shirt and cover up the sand wedge on your hairline with one of those nice ‘UM’ caps that retail for $30, but that you have box loads of in your office. 
A hot mess: Miami head coach Al Golden is usually sweaty and undone by kickoff.
Dana Holgorsen: I could have sworn I was watching Danny DeVito’s older brother storming out of Whole Foods because he forgot to leave the door open for his dog back home. That’s the only thing I could think of as I watched Holgorsen speed walk on the sidelines like a crazy person, during West Virginia’s unsuccessful run at Alabama on Saturday afternoon. Faded-black polo shirt untucked and his hair flying in every direction but the right direction, Holgorsen was in dire need of a white (ironed) tee, brown slacks and a fitted cap. And a few touchdowns.
Jimbo Fischer: It’s time for Jimbo to cut what’s left of his wiry hair. Or surgically install a hat on his head.
Lane Kiffin: Alabama’s offensive guru, for this week, anyway, is always prepped up, including last Saturday when he wore a long-sleeve fleece for a half, before opting for a white t-shirt with the “A” emblem. This guy might not want to invest heavily in Tuscaloosa real estate anytime soon, but he is likely to be styling whether or not he’s the long-term solution at Alabama.Mark Richt: Funny how Richt’s shining moment at Georgia could finally be around the corner thanks to a man named “Gurley.” But there’s nothing soft about Richt’s favorite running back or the way he pimps it up on the sideline. From his dark -wraparound shades to the blood-red polo and close cut on his doom, Richt always looks ready for business, win or lose.
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