Weekend in Miami: Lighting up the Gables, shaking it to Carlos Vives and rooting for the Dolphins; after you Facebook your high school crush, of course

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

I’ll admit: I love social media. Besides, where else can a media savvy-news junkie and very curious guy, who can get down as if he’s employed by the FBI or a divorced woman gathering the deets on some hot dude she met at Starbucks last night, cheat on Kim Kardashian, make sure Tom Brady is still breathing, send Catherine Joy Perry dirty messages (look her up, fool), rub Bill Simmons’ ----, send my 29-year-old soul mate nude pictures and indulge in the fake boobs the girl that used to sit next to me in science class in 1988 recently blessed her chest with, all at the same time?


I LOVE FACEBOOK AND TWITTER!

Alright, maybe I’m trying too hard to impress you since I don’t use Facebook or Twitter, of all places, to send my 29-year-old soul mate nude pictures and dirty up Catherine Joe Perry. But let’s be real: There’s no better place to snoop around, when you’re not actually using the social media platforms to profit from the skills you’ve been blessed with, to gauge the consciousness of everybody from your firefighting neighbor to the bubbly waitress that pours your coffee in the morning, because you really care what she thinks on immigration, and not the way she looks in a tight T-shirt and jeans.

All kidding aside, social media, most notably Facebook, has forever changed the way we not only look at ourselves, but those around us. The horny housewife with three kids that adores Pitbull to the point she can recite the Cuban national anthem, but will never come thisclose to the 305’s favorite son, so she drools over his fan page all day. The firm wife that recently celebrated her 10^th wedding anniversary, but feels a bit more secure by keeping tabs on her husband’s Twitter account; The desperate guy that ransacks the 43-year-old women’s photo albums, five minutes after seeing her for the first time since 1987.

They’re all out there, believe me.

But it’s practically impossible to turn down an open invitation, and an entertaining one at that, to see what’s up with the guy that enjoyed making funny noises in your high school history class, the freckled-bookworm behind you in science class, the stuffy batgirl who’s shit apparently didn’t smell in 1989, the fat outcast who’s only mission in life back then, besides eating, was initiating fights, the quiet and beautiful girl in your algebra class, the chunky girl who always happened to be by the ice cream truck at the same time you were, the blonde dude that figured he was halfway to baseball’s Hall of Fame even though he could barely shake the radar gun, the blonde girl that walked around as if she owned the school and the tall brunette that thought so highly of herself she would only speak to you when she needed help in Ms. Chamber’s shorthand class? Hey, we all need a nice chuckle once in a while.

Now, go log in to your man’s account. But hurry, because he’s on the way home, the weekend is almost here….

AND YOU LIVE IN MIAMI!!!!

FRIDAY 12/5: Do you really believe some fat; white bearded-dude in a red suit would enjoy freezing his ass off in the North Pole, when instead he can hang out in shorts and flip flops for a few hours while being surrounded by beautiful people, overseeing the lighting of a Christmas tree? Of course, not!! And Santa Claus is smarter than you think, that’s why he not only sternly request you leave him some milk and cookies under the tree, but will be in Coral Gables, starting at 5 p.m., to make sure all the lights are sparkling when they come on, officially christening the start of the holiday season in the “City Beautiful.” And since this is a family-friendly event and Christmas is right around the corner, make sure to dial up your hot friend and bring all the kiddies so they can start a riot, once they’re exhausted from all the food, carnival rides, face painting and choir music. The tree lighting starts at 7 p.m. And please behave. Merrick Park is in front of City Hall (405 Biltmore Way, www.shopcoralgables.com)

SATURDAY 12/6: Wearing your new Colombian bikini to the beach this morning just didn’t do it for you, even though you’re walking around your Aventura apartment naked and rocking an awesome tan. You’re in the mood to dance and feel the vibe of a full-fledged Colombian fiesta, and don’t care if that means getting home at 4 a.m. smelling of Patron. Well my love….iron your thong, untangle your zipper dress and steer it in the direction of the AAA (601 Biscayne Boulevard, 786-777-1000, www.aaarena.com ) where Carlos Vives, your favorite pop/vallenato star, will be waiting to seduce you with some of his timeless classics like “La Gota Fria” and “Pa’Mayte” in his return to Miami after a lengthy absence. And you’re guaranteed a blast because Vives is riding high off his two Latin Grammy awards thanks to “Mas+Profundo Corazon”, released earlier this year. Start getting ready now cutie; the show starts at approximately 9 p.m.

SUNDAY 12/7: Your favorite professional football team needs your help badly. Yeah you have probably heard that sentence before – like last week – but seriously: The Miami Dolphins need your unconditional support because they’re playing the most important game of the season today against the Baltimore Ravens. This is it; a win and Miami is 8-5 and Ryan Tannehill is telling Lauren to start packing up some coats. A loss and Joe Philbin might as well start making golf reservations for January. This game is so big Philbin won’t have to stutter when he says “playoffs” on Monday morning, if the Dolphins win. This game is so big, there’s plenty of room on the bandwagon, if you want to start riding it now. This big is so big, we can probably fit KimKardashian’s ass somewhere….. (Sun Life Stadium, 2269 NW 199^th Street, Miami Gardens, FL, 305-623-6100,www.miamidolphins.com , www.sunlifestadium.com )

Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read More

wordbyfernie: Breakfast in Miami: My favorite places in the 305 ...

#breakfast #Miami #hearty #jacksonsoulfood #305 #Versailles #fernieruanojr. wordbyfernie: Breakfast in Miami: My favorite places in the 305 ...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. There’s no way around it: A well-rounded breakfast is essential for any breathing and living human being, especia...

Read More

Breakfast in Miami: My favorite places in the 305 to get it on in the morning....

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

There’s no way around it: A well-rounded breakfast is essential for any breathing and living human being, especially if you live in Miami and have to outhustle very polite drivers on I-95, mow lawns ‘til sunset, or be in line at Starbucks by 9:30 a.m. to play with your cellphone and put your makeup on, before heading off to work to chat with your divorced-best friend all day long on Facebook, because you’re from the 305 and have your priorities all straightened out.

Seriously: Breakfast is very important whether you actually spend the majority of your day moving the economy in SoFlo or in bed having sex with your boyfriend, therefore any combination of scrambled eggs, pancakes, bacon, sausages, oatmeal, fruit, grits, bagels, biscuits and gravy, orange juice and coffee should be as crucial to your morning as brushing your teeth.

And it’s understandable if you don’t have time during the workweek to kickback and load up on breakfast items until your little heart is content, but c’mon: Who doesn’t love to loosen up on weekends and indulge on a hearty breakfast in the company of family and friends?

Besides, breakfast is the perfect time to leave your snobby mask at home and relax around the table amid a buzzy and friendly atmosphere, unlike dinner when it can get a bit stuffy with the dimed lights, fake candles, your stupid French boyfriend and shit….

JACKSON SOUL FOOD: Are you sick of being served instant and tasteless grits out of the microwave all over the 305? Well, chug some Pepto Bismol and shoot over to this casual, everyday home-style food palace, where the smothered pork chops are so juicy and tasty you’re going to be singing “R-E-S-P-E-C’T” before the bill is slapped on your table. But take your time and order some eggs, pancakes and fried chicken because it’s so affordable you’re going to want to pig out on soul food until the buttons on your pants pop. And even Aretha Franklin would approve of that. (950 NW 3^rd Avenue, Miami, FL 33136, 305-374-7661, www.jacksonsoulfood.com)

BUENA VISTA DELI: You enjoy a fulfilling breakfast of baked goods and coffee in the morning, but don’t like stuffing yourself to the point that you need your wife’s hand to pull the car keys out of your pocket…. “Buena Vista” offers such a diverse variety of pasteries, breads and croissants you’re going to think you’re in Paris, not a cozy and buzzy-Midtown deli where you can always find your fix to start the day and not walk out the front doors feeling as if you need a nap. (4950 NE 2^nd, Miami, FL 33137, 305-576-3945, www.buenavistadeli.com)

VERSAILLES: Is there another restaurant in Miami where you can stuff your face from 9-11:45 a.m. eating scrambled eggs, pancakes, assorted cereals, ham, sausage, bacon, French toast, pastelitos, fruit, chicken salad and CODFISH FRITTERS for $8.95, while reveling in a chatty and homey atmosphere amid some of your favorite Cubans? And you can even bring the kiddies and abuelita because the buzz here is so family-friendly your 58-year-old uncle might fall for the olive-clad and flirtatious waitress who’s going to be serving you. Note: There’s a short-blonde on the restaurant side that’s really hot…. (3555 SW 8^th Street, Miami, FL 33145, 305-444-0240, www.versaillesrestaurant.com)

S&S DINER: Bring your mom with you and quiz her on how beautiful Marilyn Monroe really was because this spacious diner is definitely a blast from the past. But fire away before the food arrives since once your chow is placed on your table you will be too busy savoring the delicious potatoes, grits and pancakes, to name a few items…. The service is a bit on the slow side, but you should expect no less on a weekend morning. But the reasonable prices and 50’s vibe definitely make it worth the wait. (1757 NE 2^ndAvenue, Miami, FL 33132, 305-373-4291)

VICKY BAKERY (CORAL GABLES): If you’re reading this right now you probably grew up in Miami and have dropped a few dimes on pastelitos, croquetas and café con leche at this Cuban carbalicious institution, which has locations all over the 305. Come clean: The caramelized pastelitos are so good; you can’t resist taking a box to go after having three of them for breakfast. But your breakfast and lunch/dinner just got a whole lot better because Vicky recently took it up a couple notches by opening a bakery/café in Coral Gables. Now, you can have Cuban dishes, sandwiches, salads and tapas to go with your beer and wine. And don’t fear… you can still eat lots and lots of pastelitos and croquetas, too, while daydreaming by the side window, if you’re not checking out the awesome Cuban décor. (243 University Drive, Coral Gables, FL 33134, 786-334-6622, www.vickybakery.com)

Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read More

wordbyfernie: Carlos Vives: Still deeply rooted in his musical i...

#carlosvives #fernie #mascorazonprofundo wordbyfernie: Carlos Vives: Still deeply rooted in his musical i...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. Chatting up worldly Colombian pop star Carlos Vives in the backroom of a ritzy-Miami hotel, even if the conversat...

Read More

Carlos Vives: Still deeply rooted in his musical influences

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

Chatting up worldly Colombian pop star Carlos Vives in the backroom of a ritzy-Miami hotel, even if the conversation is clouded by giddy publicists and cigarette smoke, can leisurely transition from his routine in the studio to a calming lesson, fused of politics and spirituality. And a viable lesson, too, if you’re appreciative of a man deeply-ingrained in his musical roots stretching from Bogota’s heart-wrenching ballads to the Indian rhythms of the Andes and accordion-laced vallenato of the coast.

That’s why time is always of the essence, whether it’s 2006 0r 2013 and you’re talking to Vives, who won two Latin Grammy awards in November , including “Best Contemporary Tropical Album” for “Mas+ Corazon Profundo”, released earlier this year.

Touched by stardom as a soap opera star long before becoming his native country’s most recognizable exponent of rock and pop-fused vallenato – albeit a controversial one with Colombia’s traditionalists – “ Clasicos de la Provencia”, Vives’ 1993 album, became a huge success in Colombia and all over Latin America, while “La Gota Fria”, the album’s lead single, became an international hit, propelling the singer/songwriter to new heights. Vives won a Latin Grammy for “Best Album of the Year” as the song became a timeless classic all over the world.

His experimentational tendencies in the studio would continue through the decade, most notably with “La Tierra del Olvido”, an album in which Vives fell deeper into his roots by fusing pop, funk and rock. The soothing and groovy title track gave Vives another timeless classic, as did the rambunctious and moving “Pa’Mayte”. In “Corazon Profundo”, as in most of his discography, Vives sings about striving for heartfelt dreams, being moved by love and appreciation for life, which rings through in “Volvi a Nacer”.

Carlos Vives performs at 8 p.m. Saturday at the AmericanAirlines Arena (601 Biscayne Boulevard, 786-777-1000, www.aaarena.com)

Related Link: http://www.miaminewtimes.com/2005-08-11/music/carlos-vives/

Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.

 

 

 

 

 

Read More

wordbyfernie: Even Al Golden loves short shorts…

#shortshorts #algolden #UM #football #fernieruanojr. wordbyfernie: Even Al Golden loves short shorts…: By Fernie Ruano Jr. Just because it’s December and Santa Claus just pulled out another pair of long underwear out of his drawer becau...

Read More

Even Al Golden loves short shorts…

By Fernie Ruano Jr.

Just because it’s December and Santa Claus just pulled out another pair of long underwear out of his drawer because for your child’s well-being… he lives in the North Pole, doesn’t mean we here in the 305, especially the majority of women, who let’s be honest: spend more time sweating in Samba class than making love to their husbands, are walking out in the morning looking as if a snowstorm is approaching.

Alright, we have our exceptions and if you’re a man you can’t be anything but thankful because it’s hard to find a man who doesn’t enjoy a woman in leather boots, a turtleneck and tight jeans, even if it’s 81 outside and the extended forecast calls for plenty of rain. And if she’s really loose and casual she's probably wearing short shorts, the way-above-the-knee, thigh-hugging shorts preferred by yesteryear’s Hollywood bombies Marilyn Monroe and Farah Fawcett, populated by 80s NBA ballers Magic Johnson and Isiah Thomas and recently reintroduced – lovely reintroduced – by Olivia Munn and Jennifer Lopez; Taylor Swift, Iggy Azalea and Selena Gomez, too.

And if you’re really lucky, I guess, you might run into Miley Cyrus in short shorts this week in Miami because the potty-mouthed, desperately-seeking-a-donut “star” will be hanging out in our hood for a few days after allegedly performing at an Art Basel-opening event, Wednesday night.

But unless they’re not hugging Miley’s boney back, and styled right, of course, short shorts are a blessing; especially, when worn confidently, which is a trait Miami women rarely struggle to upkeep. From the petite brunette in your 1988 geometry class to the 29-year-old Webby who sends you naughty pictures at night, confidence and short shorts go hand-in-hand. And I’m honored, if not privileged, to live in a city where women can wear short shorts this time of year; But while we’re on something small and tight with little or no room to operate…

AL GOLDEN’S FUTURE: A couple local scribes, who undoubtedly have an interest in the well-being of the University of Miami athletic department since it helps pay their respective bills at home, continue to sing the praises, if not loosen up the tie around Hurricanes head coach Al Golden, even after a humiliating regular-season ending loss to Pittsburgh, Saturday night. But none of them has bothered to ask the question on the minds of many fans that grew up rooting for the program, and have grown-old in recent years thanks to UM’s irrelevance in college football circles: Is Al Golden still the right man for the job?

The Canes most recent loss not only dropped them to 6-6 on the season, but left Golden, in his fourth year in Coral Gables, at 28-21 for his career in Miami; And barely holding onto his job after a second .500 regular season during his tenure.  What’s worst is Miami never competed in their last two regular-season games against Virginia and Pittsburgh, respectively, when an 8-4 record would have at least buried the loss to Florida State deep in the box. Instead, Golden is now 3-17 in games the Canes have trailed at halftime under his watch. And this is the same guy who received a contract extension through 2019 after his first year at the helm.  Golden is out of excuses, including the long in the rearview sanctions he repeatedly used as a clutch. He will be able to add Duke Johnson and Brad Kaaya to his resume, but watching Johnson speed through the UM rushing record book and overseeing Kaaya’s maturation process just isn’t enough at this point to validate his status as coach of a once proud program. UM President Donna Shalala, who is on the way out next year, approved the extension, despite Golden not drawing interest from any other schools at the time. Too bad, Shalala can’t take Golden with her.

Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.

 

Read More