#weekendinmiami #weekend #Miami #marveluniverse #captainamerica #floydmayweatherjr #farmersmarket #lincolnroad wordbyfernie: Weekend in Miami: Shopping, strippers and green pe...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. It really doesn’t matter that you will be able to read the Victoria Secret’s catalog from cover to cover while yo...
Wednesday, 26 November 2014
Weekend in Miami: Shopping, strippers and green peppers
Posted on 11:22 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
It really doesn’t matter that you will be able to read the Victoria Secret’s catalog from cover to cover while you’re stuck for 20 minutes at the stoplight on NE 195th Street and Biscayne Boulevard, before you start feeling a little dizzy because the combination of the Starbucks Vanilla Latte between your legs and the remnants of the 12 Cran-vodkas you downed at last night’s Thanksgiving dinner is making you rethink the decision you made when you picked up your iPhone at 8 a.m. and caved in to your best friend’s pleads of spending the day at Aventura Mall, because in your heart you wish you had never picked up the pink thing vibrating on your nightstand and instead stayed in bed having sex with your boyfriend.
But your best friend is happy as fu%^ she gets to spend the whole day with you and tell you all about her married boyfriend and dead goldfish in between reaffirming she’s going to treat you to lunch at Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza, despite having a panic attack after parking her BMW because she forgot her pocketbook. But the hell with it, babe. You’re always there and you don’t want to spoil it for her, so you might as well make the best of it by racking up $2750.12 on your man’s American Express card with three pairs of Manolo Blahnik high heel shoes, four ABS V-neck dresses and 36 Victoria Secret’s thongs.
Besides, its Thanksgiving weekend and you live in Miami….. Just make sure you can actually walk in the high heels shoes and your thong fits!
FRIDAY 11/28: Your 7-year-old nephew has been nudging you for weeks and you can’t avoid it anymore since everywhere you look these days there’s a Marvel Universe superhero in your face. There EVERYWHERE! In fact: Since Captain America, or any of his friends for that matter, don’t really save galaxies and stuff he’s probably in your bathroom right now playing with your vibrator while waiting for you to get home. Alright, maybe not; But Captain America and his Marvel friends will be performing some crazy shit and fixing the world while the little guy eats $8 popcorn at Marvel Universe Live, a three-day extravaganza at AmericanAirlines Arena (601 Biscayne Boulevard, 786-777-1000, www.aaarena.com) filled with enough believable high-wire acts you’re going to want to marry the guy in the tight-spandex Spider-Man outfit, if not take him home with you. (November 28-30, 11 a.m.-7 p.m.)
SATURDAY 11/29: Be real: You have always wanted to party, or at least be in the same room, with a professional athlete who throws around money as if it was chewed up gum and enjoys being surrounded by a lot of women, whenever he’s not making opponents look stupid inside a boxing ring. Well tonight’s your night, player. It’s actually Floyd Mayweather Jr.’s night at King of Diamonds (17800 NE 5thAve., 305-999-9500), but you’re invited to come throw money at naked women while you sit in the dark talking to some dude who is celebrating his birthday by himself, get a friction dance in some backroom while your $6 Corona spills on the carpet and tip the cashier on the way out at 4:30 a.m. because you’re totally hammered and can’t find your best friend. Hey, women go to these types of strip clubs, too.
SUNDAY 11/30: It’s your mother’s birthday (Happy Birthday, Mom!) and you just want to chill by taking a long walk amid locals and tourists and possibly pick out some fruits and veggies after a terrific lunch with the women you owe so much too. And the weather outside is awesome, so there’s little choice for you other than the Lincoln Road Farmer’s Market, where you will be able to indulge in plants, bread, flowers and jam too while you flirt with the shirtless guy drinking a protein milkshake next to you. (Lincoln Road Mall, 9-6 a.m.) And it’s free!!!
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Tuesday, 25 November 2014
wordbyfernie: Thankful on Thanksgiving: Miami people count their...
Posted on 10:30 by RAJA BABU
#Thanksgiving #Miami #thankful #blessed #wordbyfernie: Thankful on Thanksgiving: Miami people count their...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. Imagine speed walking out of the local coffee shop with your cup of Joe in hopes of quickly getting back into you...
Thankful on Thanksgiving: Miami people count their blessings….
Posted on 10:28 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Imagine speed walking out of the local coffee shop with your cup of Joe in hopes of quickly getting back into your car and beating the gridlock on Brickell Avenue, only to have your steps interrupted by some guy wanting to know what you’re most thankful for this time of year, after politely introducing himself?
“What are you thankful for today, especially one day before Thanksgiving?”
That’s the question I asked 20 people starting at 8:20 a.m. today as a half dozen of them fumbled for their car keys while trying to get away from me as quickly as possible, three of them offered handshakes before politely declining my request and one of them offered to buy me breakfast. But an hour later, I had received answers from 10 of the people I posed the question too. And I even managed to score a couple phone numbers!
Just kidding… What I did learn was most of the people who answered my question have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
“My family, being healthy, living in Miami, which to me is priceless, and being able to exercise again; I broke my ankle in September.” - Daisy Rodan, 33, Medical Assistant. Daisy, married with two kids, will be eating a lot of stuffed turkey, white rice and red beans with family and friends in Miramar, FL.
“I am thankful because I’m healthy, have an awesome job, a beautiful family and a man who loves me.” – Christina Lopez, 22, College Student. Christina is traveling with two of her roommates to North Carolina, where she will spend Thanksgiving before heading back to Tallahassee next week.
“.. For waking up this morning and being able to walk on my own, my amazing wife and her family and my baby girl.” – Marcelino Curat, 42, Social Media Manager. Marcelino will be busy roasting a pig in his sister’s backyard on Thursday. Last Thanksgiving, Marcelino was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.
“I am thankful for having such great friends, being able to live in Miami and sharing great times with my mother.” – Roxanna Cardozo, 36, Unemployed. Roxanna will be cooking dinner and hosting about 15 family members in her Pembroke Pines home. Roxanna’s mother died of breast cancer in March.
“I am thankful because my wife is pregnant, my 6-year-old son is the happiest kid in the world and my entire family is relatively healthy. And my brother and I are cooking tomorrow!” – Jose Figueroa, 39, Computer Programmer . Jose will be grilling meat and drinking beer with his brother, Ruben, tomorrow. Jose hasn’t seen Ruben in four years.
“For my mother and my brother; I haven’t always been around, so I am very grateful and thankful to be spending Thanksgiving with people I know really care for me.” – Xavier Martinez, 24, Unemployed. Xavier recently separated from his wife. He lost his job as a sales associate in September.
“I have so many things to be thankful; we would be standing here for two hours if I told you all of them. But I am most thankful for my parents, my husband and nephew. I don’t know where I would be without them.” – Alison Jacquet, 43, Self-Employed. Alison is spending Thanksgiving weekend in Orlando, Florida with family and friends.
“I am thankful to be standing here and talking to you. We all take so many things for granted, I’ve learned to appreciate everything about life; big or small. Just being able to wake up in the morning and breathing air is something I am very thankful for.” – Greg Moss, 49, Construction Worker. Mr. Moss will be home in Carol City with his wife and grandkids watching football and cooking a stuffed turkey.
“I’m thankful for people like you who would take the time to want to talk to me, my family, my health and my beautiful wife. And football tomorrow because I’m going to be on the couch watching it, after I eat like four times.” – Willie Cruz, 44, Bank Teller. Willie is a huge Dallas Cowboys’ fan. And the Cowboys, just like they do every Thanksgiving, are playing tomorrow. So, there…
“I am thankful for the beautiful life I have. We take a lot of things for granted, but just things like being around your family, being able to get up in the morning and having so many people around you who love you and are always there, no matter what, is priceless. At least for me it is. And having the great fortune to meet you, you little crazy guy, in 2008 has been a blessing. You’re funny and make me laugh, even on days when I feel like crying. ” - Sindy Fernandez, 29, Web Designer/Beautician. Sindy is staying up all night cooking on Wednesday night, before waking up Thursday morning and driving to her uncle’s house in West Palm Beach with a ridiculous amount of white rice, black beans and fried plantains in her trunk.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook) and visit http://www.latinbeatsvibe.blogspot.com . Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Monday, 24 November 2014
wordbyfernie: Don’t sweat the ‘Fins, just eat your sandwich
Posted on 12:34 by RAJA BABU
#NFL #Miami Dolphins #Ryan Tannehill #football #wordbyfernie: Don’t sweat the ‘Fins, just eat your sandwich: By Fernie Ruano Jr. It’s Monday, and just to spit on your pastrami sandwich your favorite NFL team, the Miami Dolphins, loss another ...
Don’t sweat the ‘Fins, just eat your sandwich
Posted on 12:33 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
It’s Monday, and just to spit on your pastrami sandwich your favorite NFL team, the Miami Dolphins, loss another crucial end-of-November football game yesterday largely in part because their defense (What else?) could not get off the field in the fourth quarter, washing away a 28-17 lead entering the final 15 minutes of the game and a grip on a AFC playoff spot tighter than Kim Kardashian’s champagne glass holder before letting it slip away – the playoff spot, not Kim K’s ass.
A win in Denver not only would have sprung the Dolphins into the playoff vernacular at least for another week on ESPN’S “Sunday Countdown”, but made Chris Berman spin his hand a little faster and make even dumber faces at Tom Jackson whenever the conversation turned to Ryan Tannehill and Cameron Wake.
Seriously: It would have changed the national perception of the Dolphins a little bit, while guaranteeing some extra TV time for Tannehill, who in recent weeks has looked more like a keeper, including against the Broncos after a 26/36, 228-passing yards, 3-TD day. Tannehill, who threw an interception late in the fourth quarter, has managed to keep his head above water in the offense that’s been designed around him, despite his lack of arm strength and inability to throw the ball downfield. But Miami’s latest meltdown has little to do with Tannehill and plenty to do with the defense, which could not make one play – ONE PLAY – with the chips on the table.
If you’re a really optimistic fan of a team, any team, your first inclination is to believe your team – in this case the Dolphins – will overcome everything that’s stacked up in front of them. But winning four of their last five games to close out the regular season with 10 victories, which likely would still leave Miami short of a playoff spot in the clustered AFC, is a scenario even the ever-optimist can only dream of, especially when the schedule reads at Jets, Ravens, at Patriots, Vikings and Jets.
The Dolphins are better, not just good enough to knock off any of the AFC heavyweights like the Broncos, Patriots, Steelers and Colts when it really matters.
Not yet, anyway.
The Dolphins are better, not just good enough to knock off any of the AFC heavyweights like the Broncos, Patriots, Steelers and Colts when it really matters.
Not yet, anyway.
MANNY PACQUIAO WINS A FIGHT: Manny Pacquiao destroyed some guy named Chris Algieri on Saturday night to retain his WBO welterweight title, although leading up to the fight you were led to believe Algieri actually had a shot of winning because Bob Arum would do anything to steal $79.95 out of your pocket. Now, Pacquiao wants to fight Floyd Mayweather Jr., even if Floyd comes up with another stipulation like wanting Pacquiao to eliminate rice from his diet regimen before signing his name on the dotted line. Both sides know what’s in it for them and will continue to play tug-of-war before a deal gets done. The only one who takes a right hook to the kidney is you, the fan, because this fight should have happened five years ago. By the way: Algieri needs to fire his trainer, if he hasn’t already.
AL GOLDEN SMELLS: How should a trending upward-college football team respond after coming thisclose to knocking off the defending national champions? Certainly, not the way the Miami Hurricanes responded against Virginia on Saturday night. Miami was never in the game, despite entering with plenty to play for. And that’s a reflection on their head coach; a bad reflection. Brad Kayaa’s maturation is a nice bone, but what else can be taken away from a sub .500 season when a boatload of your juniors and seniors are departing after this season? Miami’s climb back to national prominence next year, or any year in the immediate future, isn't a guarantee.
STOP STARING: So I am fit, have no hair, mind to myself and like to smile. Does that give people the right to stare at me wherever I go? Note: I’m just a regular guy, so walk up and say “hi” whenever you see me in Miami or Ft. Lauderdale. Just act normal and don’t say stupid shit like “I have a French boyfriend.” I might even shake your hand or something; seriously.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook) and visit http://www.latinbeatsvibe.blogspot.com. Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Not cooking on Thanksgiving and live in Miami? You don’t have to be a turkey ….
Posted on 10:11 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Most of your friends, who all watch way too much TV and therefore have been brainwashed to the point they believe their favorite supermarket will be out of turkeys and plastic cups by tomorrow morning, all lost precious sleep this weekend because they’re just consumed with leaving work early today and doing 100 on U.S. 1 in order to stand in line to pay for an overabundance of shit they’re going to wish they never bought when they wake up drunk on Friday morning to a full turkey, 11 pounds of stuffing, two pots of white rice, a sealed apple pie, a cooler full of beer, eight loafs of Cuban bread, a pot of black beans and a filthy tiled-floor staring them in the face after hosting 100 of their “closest” family members and amigos.
And if they don’t bother hitting the shower at 4 a.m. after doing shots and chatting it up all night with a bunch of hungry, chain-smoking souls, chances are they’re not going to smell very good when they mop the floor and eat a turkey sandwich with a side of stuffing at 1 p.m. before realizing they have already wasted half a day and really want to go back to bed, not sit in the back of a car for an hour while your best friend looks for a parking space at Aventura Mall.
But just because you’re not cooking a Thanksgiving dinner, hosting a bunch of people you haven’t seen since December and not watching grown men collide into each other the whole day, doesn’t mean you have to bury your face under your pillow on Thursday because there’s plenty of events in South Florida to be thankful for. And which will make you feel really good about yourself.
GIVING BACK: How about lending a hand to feed the less fortunate on this special day? Help feed over 500 homeless people and/or donate at http://www.homelessvoice.org. It will put a smile on many people’s faces; and yours too.
LACE THEM UP BEFORE YOU PIG OUT: Are you a runner and want to work up a sweat before you sit around the dinner table and eat like your partner just dumped you over the phone? Get a lift at the 2014 South Florida Turkey Day Run Miami, where walkers and joggers will come together for a morning of fun and exercise. You can sign up for the 5K or 10K. And there’s a Kid’s Trot, so bring the kiddies too. Run starts at 7:30 a.m. (http://www.turkeyday-5k.com)
TAKE IN A PARADE: Do you live in or near North Miami and enjoy being around people and floats on Thanksgiving Day? Winternational Thanksgiving Parade starts at 10 a.m. and will be followed by a festival with lots of food, music and kid’s activities. The parade starts at NE 6th Avenue and runs east on NE 125 Street.
VISIT THE CHILDREN’S MUSEUM: Do you have kiddies and want to take a cool snapshot for the holidays? Check out the Thanksgiving Tree in the lobby of the Miami Children’s Museum (980 MacArthur Causeway, Miami Beach, 305-373-5437, http://www.miamichildrensmuseum.org). You can even write a message on a paper leaf for everybody to read. How cool is that?
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook) and visit http://www.latinbeatsvibe.blogspot.com . Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Friday, 21 November 2014
NFL PREVIEW: Forget the Heat, look for your ‘Fins Zubaz pants
Posted on 12:46 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Let it go already! I know you still sleep in the Miami Heat boxer shorts your ex-wife bought you on your first date in 1994 and needed an extra cup of coffee this morning after waking up at 5 a.m. to watch a replay of last night’s dismantling of your favorite NBA team by the Los Angeles Clippers, and talk yourself into believing, while petting your dog, the Heat would be the fifth seed in the Eastern Conference right now if Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem would have played against the Clippers.
But in all honesty: You should be out of those chocolate fudge-stained boxer shorts already and on your lunch break, if you’re not playing hooky from work, but not screaming your diagnosis at any of your friends seated at the table since most of them gave up on the Heat when the guy who now plays in Cleveland left town, and they’re interested in the Spicy Tuna rolls in front of them, not discussing the Heat’s offensive and rebounding woes since none of them are basketball coaches and can’t make Wade and Haslem any younger, force Chris Bosh to play closer to the paint and convince Mario Chalmers he isn’t the best player in NBA history.
And your best friend, who is 6’1” and was the backup point guard on the boys’ basketball team at South Miami High School in 1995, hasn’t touched a basketball in 12 years, weighs 297 pounds and yesterday replaced the Tim Hardaway poster he’s had in his room since 1997 with one of his French-model girlfriend. And could probably care less the undersized Heat was outrebounded 35-30 by the Clippers and ranks 21st in overall offense in the league at 97.1 points per game.
Sorry, dude. Unfortunately for you it’s still mid-November and the Heat will continue to get doused all season long by big teams like they did against the Clippers, and struggle to find their offense if the ball isn’t moving, especially with a roster lacking in players that can create their own shots, including Chris Bosh.
But while you waste your time praying Wade gets healthy because most 32-year-old men with bad knees who play professional basketball for a living never really get healthy, you can take solace in that the Miami Dolphins, your favorite NFL football team and the same team currently in position to make a run at their first playoff appearance since 2009, visit the Denver Broncos on Sunday afternoon for one of the most important games in the team’s recent history because a victory over the Peyton Manning-led Wild Horses would not only drop Denver into a tie with Kansas City in the AFC West, but shoot Miami right into the middle of a mad scramble with potentially six 7-4 teams heading into Thanksgiving weekend.
So, don’t worry much about the Heat….
Instead, be thankful, like me, for your family, especially your mom, dad, sister, nephew, brother-in-law and aunt, this Thursday, stuffed turkey, homemade pumpkin pie, muffins, Scarlett Johansson, arroz blanco, frijoles negros, the cooler stuffed with beer underneath the outdoor tiki bar, the female Cuban soul mate who puts up with a lot of your ----, Kim Kardashian’s nude pictures, the redhead walking her dog on Brickell Avenue every day at 8:45 a.m., the ability to exercise and keep fit, looking relatively young at 44, my talent for writing, my creative skills, running, tennis, Miami Children's Hospital, social media, Miami, getting up in the morning, Skittles, Starbucks, movies, sports, music, the beach, the ocean, Marvin Gaye's voice and music, rainy days, Tom Brady's, brains, Aaron Rodger's arm, Mike Trout's swing, Tony Parker's passes, Sidney Crosby's smoothness, mamey milkshakes, approachable people, snobs 'cause they keep you grounded, high school yearbooks because we all need a laugh once in a while, Alejandro Fernandez's voice and music, my fingers, my vision, women wearing flip flops, women wearing dresses, bookstores, pizza, Publix fried chicken, Publix subs, women that can read and spell their names without help, computers, fake boobs (just because you can’t go anywhere in the 305 without them or seeing them), books, petite women, pastelitos, croquetas, chicken steak, fried plantains, and the man up in the heavens for giving me at least another day of life and breathing life into a man’s soul……
Happy Thanksgiving!
DETROIT @ NEW ENGLAND (FOX, 1 p.m.): Is a slide around the corner for the Lions, who are coming off a loss at Arizona and now face Brady’s Bunch with the Green Bay Packers quickly charging in the NFC North? Detroit’s offense has a habit of disappearing for long stretches of games, even with Megatron on the field, while the New England’s revamped offensive line is developing into arguably the best in the game. Just ask Jonas Gray.
MIAMI @ DENVER (CBS, 4:25 p.m.): The Dolphins really need this one. A win would definitely turn them into legitimate playoff contenders and get the nation talking about your favorite football team for the first time in a longtime. Ryan Tannehill and Cam Wake will likely have their cellphones filled with interview requests from national writers and TV networks. But unfortunately for Miami, the Broncos need this one, too, especially coming off a loss to the St. Louis Rams. A Dolphins win combined with a Chargers win would create a three-team tie for first place in the AFC West and have the Dolphins sitting pretty…. But the thought of Miami beating Peyton Manning at home just doesn’t …..
ARIZONA @ SEATTLE (CBS, 4:25 p.m.): From the outside looking in, this has the makings of a game tailor-made for the Seahawks. Arizona is coming off an emotional tilt against Detroit and had little time to think their starting quarterback, Carson Palmer, is out for the season with a knee injury. Seattle returns home after losing to Kansas City and at 6-4 is a desperate team with an angry running back who wants to get paid; Scary.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Thursday, 20 November 2014
Weekend in Miami: Smell like Dan Marino, get ripped at the Miami Fine Wine & Spirits Festival and strip to Diego El Cigala
Posted on 11:24 by RAJA BABU
(Editor’s Note: You’re allowed to read on, if you’re a dude and love Miami. Remember, reading does the body good, no matter if you drive a BMW or ride a bicycle to work.)
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Be honest….you have checked out at work, even though you’re staring at a stack of files on your desk so high you can barely see the coffee mug with your husband’s face on it and the hottie who sits across from you. But you’re not really worried if Juanita, who has already called the clinic three times today to complain about a merciless backache, gets her prescription on time because right now your brain is consumed with the smell of turkey, the ingredients for a homemade carrot cake and a truckload of folding tables and steel chairs, not alleviating some old lady’s back before Thanksgiving.
And let’s be real: At 2:30 p.m. next Thursday, you’re probably going to be in your kitchen in a Hello Kitty hoodie and white short shorts, and nothing else, as you keep an eye on the turkey cooking in the oven, make sure your hubby is hosing down the patio furniture, check up on little Ryan, who is next door playing basketball with his best friend, stretch out your plaid dress on the bed and start telling yourself you really, really like the 75 people who will be at your house by 7:30 p.m. eating like pigs, talking loudly and putting plastic plates aside, because heaven forbid they don’t leave your pad with a doggy bag.
But regardless of the mess left behind by the people who are going to be diving into your pool, naked, at approximately 3:30 a.m. next Friday, you’re extremely thankful because your paycheck was deposited into your bank account today, your best friend just threw a Victoria Secret’s catalog on your desk and there’s a Macy’s right across the street from your office. And your husband isn’t coming home until Sunday night.
FRIDAY 11/21: Your soul mate, best friend and husband, whenever he’s home, has been a Miami Dolphins freak his entire life. In fact: He was wearing orange and aqua Zubaz pants when you met him for the first time at Arbetter’s in summer of 1989. So, what better way to welcome him back home than with a Hugo Boss Parfum football signed by his favorite football player ever, Dan Marino? Just get to the Dadeland Macy’s with plenty of time to spare and be one of the first 200 customers in line to purchase $72 or more of Hugo Boss Fragrance, and you will get a Hugo Boss Parfum football autographed by the man himself. And if you behave like a respectful woman, and not some desperate slut who hasn’t had sex in three weeks, you might get to meet Marino for a few seconds. If you’re really brave and hot you can try slipping him your number, because after all we know Danny is known to fool around once in a while. But if all you want is an autograph and some awesome cologne for your husband you can purchase your ticket right now. It’s actually recommended you do so… Event starts at 6 p.m. (http://www.hugoboss.com)
Got it? You got an autograph on a miniature football and can barely read it, but Marino made eye contact with you so you’re so relaxed you want to sit in a corner of a bookstore with a hot coffee and get Ryan’s homework out of the way… Barnes & Noble in the Gables (152 Miracle Mile, 305-446-4152) should definitely be your destination to close out the evening and iron out your weekend while you help the little guy with his homework and flirt with the blonde dude sitting across from you because you know he owns the Porsche parked outside and he’s not wearing a wedding band. Like that ever stopped ….
SATURDAY 11/22: You’re feeling sexy and sensual in front of your glass mirror in the skinny jeans and white blouse you bought at Macy’s last night. And you’re smirking because you just turned 44 and can’t believe a college baseball player was flirting with you at the bakery this morning. You’re short and the breast implants you got in 2010 are still going strong, so you don’t really look your age and you prey on young dudes. And you’re in the mood for lots and lots of wine or any other alcoholic beverage your fine heart desires. Do it at the Miami Fine Wine & Spirits Festival at Peacock Park (2820 McFarlane Rd., Coconut Grove), where for $25 you can sample wine and booze from approximately 250 brands, EAT Greek and Mexican cuisine because you should never leave a festival drunk, eat chocolate because you’re a woman, and dance to the vibrant beats of a resident DJ. You can also pretend to be really important for a few hours by going VIP ($59 for one day, $69 for both days) and drink unlimited beer and wine. And parking is free, so at least your best friend will know where you parked your car, unless she also is struggling to stay on her feet by 4:30 p.m. and is begging the Colombian fireman she met 20 minutes ago for his phone number …. (Saturday and Sunday, 10 a.m. – 6 p.m.)
Just like you, Flamenco, the folk music of the Andalusia region in southern Spain, is so hot it can warm anybody’s soul and get them to dance. It can make you feel good. It can make you feel sexy. It can get you to be a little naughty. And nobody sells it better than Diego El Cigala, the rail-thin fireball who interprets Flamenco with such gusto it has allowed him to travel the world three times over exposing his gypsy fusions. He also has a soft spot for Cuban classics of yesteryear like “Lagrimos Negras”. Show starts at 7 p.m. (Fillmore, 1700 Washington Avenue, 305-673-7300. www.fillmoremb.com, $38.50-$78.50)
SUNDAY 11/23: The last time your favorite basketball team, the Miami Heat, stepped on their home floor they got whipped on the glass in route to a loss at the hands of the Milwaukee Bucks. Enter the Charlotte Bobcats, who despite losing earlier this week to the Indiana Pacers, have Al Jefferson, Cody Zeller and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist on their side and will definitely give the Heat trouble underneath the glass. But you can drink a lot of rum and pretend the Heat is going to be playing in the NBA Finals for the fifth consecutive season. Anyhow…be in your seat by 6 p.m. so the game won’t look like shit on TV. You know because most of you who were begging for tickets last year wouldn't come within 100 feet of the AAA now, even if Beyonce was standing outside of the arena naked promoting a new record... (AmericanAirlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., 786-777-1000, www.aaarena.com, www.miamiheat.com, $15-$340)
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
wordbyfernie: Dan Marino: Meet your favorite football player eve...
Posted on 09:45 by RAJA BABU
#hugoboss #fragrance #danmarino #miamidolphins #dadelandmall #macys #quarterback #fernie wordbyfernie: Dan Marino: Meet your favorite football player eve...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. If you became an adolescent in 1990’s Miami and love the Dolphins, chances are you still have a Dan Marino jersey tu...
Dan Marino: Meet your favorite football player ever, smell like a “Boss”
Posted on 09:42 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
If you became an adolescent in 1990’s Miami and love the Dolphins, chances are you still have a Dan Marino jersey tucked away somewhere in your closet and will probably wear it around your buddies at the bar on Sunday, if your wife didn’t trash it during her recent before-the-holidays sweep through because it’s way too small in her opinion, and you’re now 45 and have three children.
But no matter what your wife says or does, Marino, the former Dolphins quarterback who provided you with enough childhood memories to last a lifetime on his way to securing his place in NFL lore during a 17-year career, is off limits because you will never forget the 421 passing yards and four touchdown passes to help knock off the Pittsburgh Steelers in the 1984 AFC Championship Game, the shredding of the vaunted Chicago Bears’ defense in route to a 1985-victory over the then-undefeated and eventual Super Bowl champions, and the fake spike play that resulted in a touchdown, capping a 17-point rally to beat the Jets in a crucial 1994-divisional game.
And you wore Isotoner gloves this morning because it was 60 degrees and in your heart Dan Marino is still the greatest quarterback to ever step on a professional football field. But for all your fandom of No. 13, you have never come close enough to express your lifelong obsession to the man you adored so much you named one of your kids after. Well, your time has finally arrived.
All you have to do is make sure you’re at Macy’s Dadeland at 6 p.m. this Friday, where you will have the opportunity to meet Marino, who will make an appearance at the store in conjunction with Hugo Boss Parfums. All you have to do is be one of the first 200 customers to make a $72 or more Hugo Boss Fragrance purchase and you will have the opportunity to hug and kiss Marino. Alright, all kidding aside: Marino will
sign a complimentary Boss Parfums football and you will be sent on your way before you have a chance to hug him and invite him over for Thanksgiving.
sign a complimentary Boss Parfums football and you will be sent on your way before you have a chance to hug him and invite him over for Thanksgiving.
Do you want to make sure your wife doesn’t find out you still have a man crush on Marino? You can pre-select your Hugo Boss Fragrance before the event and receive exclusive VIP access to the line So, basically if you want to leave early from work on Friday in order to come face-to-face and shake hands with the man you pretended to be in your backyard in the summer of 1989, you should go online right now and buy your ticket (http://www.hugoboss.com).
And if you’re smart you won’t tell your wife you’re going to be standing in line on Friday night waiting for an autograph from your favorite football player ever because she’s probably going to be really upset when you get home at 4 a.m. But at least you will smell good when you try sneaking into bed after brushing your teeth.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Tuesday, 18 November 2014
wordbyfernie: Novecento in Brickell: Thumbs up, if it’s lunchtim...
Posted on 12:35 by RAJA BABU
wordbyfernie: Novecento in Brickell: Thumbs up, if it’s lunchtim...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. “Don’t you want an awesome lunch on the day of your birthday?” That’s the question that rolled off the tong...
Novecento in Brickell: Thumbs up, if it’s lunchtime on your birthday
Posted on 12:33 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
“Don’t you want an awesome lunch on the day of your birthday?”
That’s the question that rolled off the tongue of a girlfriend as we drove south on U.S. 1 earlier today. And how can I have the heart to turn down an invitation to indulge on meat knowing a redhead in a plaid dress and flip flops would be sitting across from me for the entire lunch, even though I wasn’t entirely sold?
Besides, just because my previous experiences at the now-closed Gables’ Novecento, the meat-packing bistro, had left me less than fulfilled, even though they consisted of drinks and appetizers, didn’t mean I should expect more of the same at the Brickell location.
What did mommy always say? If you fail once, try again… and if you fail again, try again. And that’s exactly the approach I took right before walking through the front doors of a crowded and buzzy restaurant earlier today for a time-restricted lunch since she had to be back at the office by 2:15 p.m.
For starters, parking in the middle of the day can be a bit tricky, unless you valet or park down the street, like we did. But the small sweat beads on my forehead were quickly wiped away, thanks to an attentive female waitress who greeted us with a wide smile and directed us to a booth in the dining area. It was comfy and the dark décor in the middle of the day amid all the utensils clacking gave it a nice touch.
Being that we were both on work duty we opted for water and got things going with Provoleta, which arrived with the cheese grilled golden brown around the edges and loaded with onions and peppers. It was on the small side, but nonetheless very tasty. We also shared some sweetbread which had a nice texture to it.
I ordered a Strip Steak with Chimichurri and mashed potatoes, while she ordered a sausage sandwich on French bread. To my surprise, especially since it was lunchtime and the restaurant was filled to capacity, the Strip Steak was cooked at the right temperature and was flavorful, and the mashed potatoes were soft and consistent. Her sandwich had a sweet and sour kick to it which complimented the softness of the French bread very well. And the food arrived in less than 35 minutes, so all was good on that end.
The only problem we had was getting our waitress to refill our glasses of water, but understandably we were having lunch at 1:30 p.m. and the place was jam-packed with patrons from nearby businesses. And besides why give anybody at Novecento any beef, especially after such a great lunch on your birthday?
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
wordbyfernie: Stanton’s $325 million deal smells fishy
Posted on 10:30 by RAJA BABU
#giancarlostanton #miamimarlins #newdeal #jeffreyloria #wordbyferniewordbyfernie: Stanton’s $325 million deal smells fishy: By Fernie Ruano Jr. Have you ever been involved with a significant other who always found a way to get another chance out of you, bec...
Stanton’s $325 million deal smells fishy
Posted on 10:28 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Have you ever been involved with a significant other who always found a way to get another chance out of you, because no matter what he/she did to you they would convince you “this time would be different”?
That’s the first thing I thought of when word came down yesterday that the Miami Marlins – yes, the Miami Marlins – had officially inked star right fielder Giancarlo Stanton to a 13-year/$325 million, the largest contract ever in U.S. sports history.
It’s unquestionably great news for the 25-year-old Stanton, one of the game’s most prolific home run hitters and a cornerstone piece of a franchise on the fringe of being perennial contenders in the National League, especially with Jose Fernandez, Christian Yelish, Marcell Ozuna and Adeiny Echevarria, the Marlins’ other core players, all continuing their climb as established Major Leaguers and still playing out minimal salaries because of their service time in the league.
But with the passing of time those core players will only get more expensive, which if past history is indicative could mean Stanton might find himself having to carry the entire franchise on his big, broad shoulders.
No, say the Marlins who recently made public their intentions to keep their core players together for years to come. And what’s the problem, you ask?
The message was delivered by Marlins Owner Jeffrey Loria and Team President David Samson, the same dual who cried poverty before the county forked over $409 million in stadium construction bonds and the same dual who went on a publicity campaign in 2012 to promote their $191 million spree in conjunction with the opening of Marlins Park. By the way, the shopping spree resulted in a last-place finish in the NL East for the 69-93 Marlins and the firing of manager Ozzie Guillen.
But it’s almost Thanksgiving and the Marlins, who have ranked last or next-to- last in NL attendance 14 of the past 16 seasons, want your undivided attention because you know they share the same city with a professional basketball team which is still riding first class even after losing their lead pilot and an NFL team currently in the mix for a playoff spot in the AFC. Hell, even a day at the beach is still a blast around here – even in November.
Still, the Marlins are convinced or desperately trying to convince you that Marlins Park is the place to be because the richest man in American team sports is on their roster, even though he was also on their roster when he was making $480,000 and $5.5 million; And was hitting some of his 154 career home runs in front of thousands of empty seats.
What’s more is by empting out their wallet to pay Stanton, the Marlins, who reportedly earn $14-16 million from their TV deal, could be cash-strapping themselves for the future so fielding a team with a payroll of $75 million could be hard to imagine.
But the Marlins’ brass apparently believes inking their franchise player to a long-term deal will suddenly make Marlins Park a can’t-miss-destination, even though Stanton hit 37 home runs last season – a season cut short after being hit in the face with a pitch – and the team drew 1.7 million fans.
Stanton’s new deal comes with a no-trade clause, but how long will it take for him to speak up, like he’s publicly done in the past about the team’s penny-pinching tendencies, when he takes a look around him and sees he has nothing to work with? What is Fernandez, the Marlins Cuban pitching phenom who is recovering from an elbow injury and slated to return next summer, thinking after seeing Stanton get all that cash? Will Loria and Samson even be around to see Stanton’s contract through, especially since he can make out like a king if he sells the Marlins and walks away before 2017?
And just because Stanton is just getting his feet wet it doesn’t mean this deal won’t go sour. Just ask the owners in Colorado, Cincinnati and Minnesota where they have signed Troy Tulowitzki ($157.75 million), Joey Votto ($225 million) and Joe Mauer ($184 million), respectively, to long-term deals and now are trying to get out of the investments by putting the players on the trading block. They’re also singing the blues in Anaheim and Detroit, where Albert Pujols and Miguel Cabrera are added weight on the verge of imploding at any second.
But in Miami, the same owner who just three years ago was telling you he was strapped for cash is now selling you on a powerful young star and a bright future - For now, anyway.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Monday, 17 November 2014
wordbyfernie: Miami: Food at the stadiums/arenas
Posted on 12:58 by RAJA BABU
#Miami #food #stadiums #arenas #kansascity #wordbyfernie wordbyfernie: Miami: Food at the stadiums/arenas: By Fernie Ruano Jr. With a recently-released report on ESPN’s “Outside the Lines”, which centered on a concessions company manager th...
Miami: Food at the stadiums/arenas
Posted on 12:55 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
With a recently-released report on ESPN’s “Outside the Lines”, which centered on a concessions company manager that serves Arrowhead Stadium and Kaufman Stadium detailing food violations at both stadiums, including the World Series, Royals fans are probably all asking themselves the same question today: “Why didn’t we send Pablo “Panda” Sandoval a menu?”
That’s if, they didn’t eat from the food stands, which made up for 20 of the 37 food violations found by inspectors of the Kansas City Health Department after being made aware of the allegations, themselves. The inspectors found cockroaches in vending areas and mouse ------ in trays, among other violations.
But since we live in Miami and didn’t come close to having the opportunity to provide Pablo “Panda” Sandoval with a special recipe since the Marlins didn’t even make the playoffs, let’s keep tabs on our own stadium/arena food here in South Florida, where if you’re a sports fan you have probably had a slice of pizza while watching Dwyane Wade dunk a basketball and a Cuban sandwich while watching Jose Fernandez strikeout a hitter.
SUN LIFE STADIUM: At 6-4 and in a playoff scramble in the AFC, the Dolphins aren’t exactly burning up the league, but there’s only one way to describe the food options at Sun Life Stadium: sizzling. Where to begin? For $12, you can have a Crumb Turkey Sandwich from Michelle Bernstein’s place in Section 213 on the Club Level. If you’re a big dude and you’re with your girlfriend buy two of them, if not one of them should be sufficient. Love sushi? No worries because Sushi Maki in Section 241 has an ample selection of your favorite rolls at an average of $14. Not a bad deal considering you’re in a stadium.
AMERICANAIRLINES ARENA: For all of the local basketball team’s glitz and glamour, you would think the food at the AAA might rival a Dwayne Wade dunk. But in reality, it’s more like a Chris Bosh missed 3-pointer. When it’s good, it’s really good. But when it’s bad, it barely touches the rim. It’s impossible not to drink some Bacardi because their presence is all over the arena. But you might want to hold back on the alcohol because sobering up will cost you, especially if you plan to do it on $7 hot dogs and $10 Papa John’s. The rest of the food fare is just that: fair.
BB&T CENTER: It’s all about a trip to “The Penalty Box” whenever you’re at a hockey game here. Located on the Club Level, the restaurant offers a nice dining atmosphere and cool bar. You can feast on pizza, pasta, a carving station and desserts. And it’s worth hanging out in the “Box” all night since you probably don’t want to watch the Panthers up close anyway.
MARLINS PARK: About more of the same. But “Taste of Miami”, located in sections 28-30, makes you feel right at home with an ample selection of restaurants like Don Camaron to Latin American Grill, where you can get everything from a Cuban sandwich to a ½ dozen oysters.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
Blow me: Sneaking up on 44 with gusto
Posted on 11:23 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
Whether it’s a fellow runner keeping pace with me at Kennedy Park, an old high school hottie across from me at Barnes & Nobles in Coral Gables or a girlfriend standing in line with me at Starbucks, I’m routinely asked the same question over and over again: “What do you do to stay looking so young?”
And before I can answer the question, it is usually followed up with an array of exclamatory compliments ranging from “My God, you don’t age!” to “If I wasn’t married, you would be my best friend!”
No joke. And each one of the compliments, some kind-hearted, some risqué, make me feel a sense of pride, especially as I stare at my 44thbirthday right between the eyes. Yes. Somewhere tomorrow, whether it’s bright and early at my 29-year-old soul mate’s apartment or somewhere in this beautiful city, I will be blowing out candles on a cake in celebration of my 44thbirthday.
And if it’s really a routine day, I will be showing a random girl proof of my age after she smiles at me, makes small talk and asks me “Can I see your I.D.?” I, on the other hand, will probably smile, as I often do, before offering up my I.D. to prove I was born in 1970, not 1981, 1982 or 1983. And I’ll flip open my wallet with the pride and gusto of a man that can make a woman 15 years younger than me smile and ….
For years, I would be the butt of the joke at family gatherings and most of the time it all centered on poking fun at my age and diet regimen. While it always stung a little bit, I would quickly shake it off because I’ve always been very disciplined about keeping a healthy lifestyle and exercise routine.
They would make fun of me because in their eyes I was “way too obsessive” about running and exercising or a combination of both. But for me it’s always been my way of feeling good about myself and keeping a clear mind, which I cleanse each time I go for a long run; something I do four times a week to this day.
And it has nothing to do with attracting a younger woman, which I can still do with little effort. But besides why invest time on the 26-year-old tutor and single mom, when all we have in common is one thing: the bedroom.
It has more to do with days like yesterday, when my nephew and me went out back with the football and played tackle for close to two hours after running routes and fielding punts. Most men my age would be hurting so much today they probably wouldn’t be able to get out of bed.
But yours truly is bouncing around with my I.D. at the ready and gearing up for a 15-mile run later tonight.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
David’s Café: Longtime Cuban eatery on South Beach is coming back…
Posted on 09:44 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
The foamy and creamy café con leches; The Swiss cheese dripping on your chewy-Cuban sandwiches; the lemony black beans over a bed of steamy white rice.
If you were a mid-90’s club hopper in South Beach and/or happened to live amongst late-night revolvers, statuesque European models and wide-eyed tourists wearing floppy hats you too probably spent a few bucks in hopes of killing a buzz, not to mention going home to your wife, at David’s Café, the longtime carb-powered Cuban eatery which earlier this year closed shop on Collins Avenue because owners feared nearby construction would hammer the sale of batidos and croquestas, just two years after closing their Lincoln Road location due to skyrocketing rent fees.
Well, start partying as if it were 1 a.m. on a summer’s night in 1996 and you just agreed to shove your tongue down your chunky, former high school mate’s throat in the middle of the dance floor at Cameo because she said she was picking up the tab at David Café’s, because word is the iconic Cuban spot will be reopening on the corner of Ninth Street and Alton Road. And you guessed it…surrounded by a lot of construction and really annoying noise.
But since detour signs and hard hats have never ever stopped anyone on South Beach from running anybody over and bringing you brand new businesses where you can spend your $$$$, the restaurant’s owners are moving so fast toward a reopening the “tacita” logo with café in it is already on one of the sidewalls of the location, next to “Cafecito is brewing” and “Coming Soon” signs. The building is also roped off and there’s an orange cone by the front entrance.
And that can only mean one thing: There’s a good chance you will be eating a tasty and well-pressed Cuban sandwich at David’s Café in the near future.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you
Friday, 14 November 2014
wordbyfernie: Kim Kardashian West: Just another smart woman with...
Posted on 11:51 by RAJA BABU
#kimk #kimkardashian #ass #paper #fernie wordbyfernie: Kim Kardashian West: Just another smart woman with...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. BREAKING NEWS: The Internet is still working! Go and try it! If you Google search the word “ass” right no...
Kim Kardashian West: Just another smart woman with a big heart….
Posted on 11:48 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
BREAKING NEWS: The Internet is still working!
Go and try it!
If you Google search the word “ass” right now the first thing which pops up is Lorde’s clarification that she has no problem with Kim Kardashian West’s ass, immediately followed by a tale of the tape courtesy of TMZ breaking down…you guessed it: Kim K’s ass; and it’s so big “it’s definitely motivational” according to sister Khloe and approximately 18.3 million of Kim’s Twitter followers who apparently have never seen a naked woman; Or are shocked that a really smart business woman would have the courage to balance a champagne glass on her oiled up ass, among other things, in a glossy magazine for the world to see before the holidays because she has a book littered with selfies – yes, SELFIES! -to sell in the coming months.
Now, isn’t that smart. A woman you can’t get away from even if you stood at your favorite supermarket’s checkout line blindfolded, destroyed your plasma with a hammer when you get home tonight and or don’t turn on your cellphone for the next six hours partially came up with the idea of showing you her plump breasts and shaved vagina with the sole purpose of getting you to open your wallet.
And you can’t stand her, especially if you’re a woman, because she only has small ears, hands and feet, and that’s it, and you’re probably going to buy the magazine and murmur “That bitch!” underneath your breath while you flip through the photo spread and try not to spill your coffee, if you haven’t interrupted the project you need to finish by 5 p.m. already to see the pictures.
http://www.papermag.com/2014/11/kim_kardashian_paper_jean_paul_goude.php
C’mon on: You’re a woman! Still can’t stand her?
Well, just in case you sat in your chair motionless for 45 minutes staring at Kim’s amazing body and didn’t read the article you failed to learn “she’s more beautiful in person” according to the writer, who interviewed the “Biggest K” of them all at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills, has meetings regularly to discuss wardrobe fittings and photo shoots, digs passion fruit iced tea and is obsessed with pound cake. And wouldn’t you know it, comes across as a likable human being with a soft side ( Sorry) after granting a young girl’s request to take… a selfie.
Not sick, yet? Here are 5 other things we learned about Kim K….
- She spends two hours on hair and makeup daily.
- She works out at 5 a.m.
- She doesn’t care about paparazzi.
- She uses Equal.
- The famous K’s ever are launching a collection of skin care and styling products in 2015.
The reason, why? Barkley goes home to a “mansion, big old car in the garage and maids” every night. And that’s the same way I feel about Kardashian: She wouldn’t change a thing, whether you like it or not.
And I applaud her for it.
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.Thursday, 13 November 2014
wordbyfernie: Weekend in Miami: Chillin’ at Hush Bar & Lounge, p...
Posted on 12:15 by RAJA BABU
#weekend #Miami #bar #parade #river #Miami #books #fernieruanojr. wordbyfernie: Weekend in Miami: Chillin’ at Hush Bar & Lounge, p...: By Fernie Ruano Jr. If you’re reading this right now you have no reason to feel guilty about playing sick so you can leave work ea...
Weekend in Miami: Chillin’ at Hush Bar & Lounge, popping balloons by the river and getting your literacy on ….
Posted on 12:11 by RAJA BABU
By Fernie Ruano Jr.
If you’re reading this right now you have no reason to feel guilty about playing sick so you can leave work early because you attended a football game last night and your favorite professional team WON! And you have a serious headache because you drank heavily and don't remember much from the Dolphins' 22-9 victory over the Bills. That's if, you're not sending me really nasty messages because I picked the Bills to defeat the Dolphins in this very space earlier this week.
But who gives a SHIT about my prediction or what you think since you were probably in the parking lot by 5 p.m. and don't remember Ryan Tannehill was sacked five times and Joe Philbin picked his nose three times when you woke up today. And realize your favorite professional football team is 6-4 and so close to getting back in the AFC playoff picture you can see Kim Kardashian’s ass.
It will also officially be the weekend in Miami and there’s little to no chance of you walking through the doors of the ad agency which employs you and therefore guarantees – at least for now – you can drop $300 at Publix every other Friday and keep your BMW filled to the brim, because there’s just too much to do in the 305, again, and you might get hit by a bus on Monday.
Just kidding! The truth is you can’t stand your partner anymore and have given him/her 48 hours to pick up all their shit and get the hell out of your house. You, on the other hand, just might run into Kim’s ass since it’s as big as what awaits you this weekend.
FRIDAY 11/14: You’re drained from a short work week and the Dolphins sucked the last ounce of happiness you had in your soul because they tend to do that to you even though they actually won the game last night. And that’s why you want to stay in bed until 7 a.m. on Saturday until the Cuban lawnkeeper who does your grass (wink, wink!) fires his shit up. But you have to be a heartless party pooper to turn down your friend’s suggestion of going to the grand opening of Hush Lounge (1661 Pennsylvania Avenue, Miami Beach, FL 33134, 786-540-4874) in South Beach. And this definitely sounds like the perfect place to pick yourself back up, if you just want to hang out in a chill bar and not be surrounded by snobby bitches.
SATURDAY 11/15: Get up, beautiful! Down a couple shots of expresso, let your man unload on you a couple times or take a cold shower. But make sure you rise early and set your alarm clock in time for the 7th annual Downtown Miami Riverwalk Festival & Boat Parade, where you will feel right at home amid funky arts and crafts, extravagant-attired dancers, sweet music and food from every country you can name; hopefully all of them. And don’t you dare leave the kids behind because this family-friendly event will be flooded with so many balloons and clowns your kiddies will be snoring in the backseat of the car by the time you get on I-95 to drive back home. (315 S. Biscayne Blvd., 10 a.m. – 4 p.m. http://www.miamiriverwalkfestival.com
SUNDAY 11/16: If you’re breathing and reading this that means you probably own a cellphone, have the ability to use your fingers and probably haven’t touched a book – you know the thing you used to take to the beach and lose yourself in – in years. Honesty: We live inside a microwave so we don’t have the time to kick back and flip pages after pages filled with words. But that doesn’t mean you’re not old school and still have a special place in your heart for books. If so, Miami Book Fair International is the place to be as the literacy fair celebrates its 31st year of flooding the streets adjacent to Miami Dade College with enough panels, authors and books that you might fall in love with books again; or run into a high school hottie you haven’t seen in 15 years. All the madness and really smart people will start showing up at 6 p.m. (Miami Dade College, 300 NE 2ND Avenue, Miami, FL 33132, http://www.miamibookfair.com)
Let’s be real: The Milwaukee Bucks are so bad that the NBA should have an open tryout for anybody who still believes they can dribble a basketball, even if you’re 40 and haven’t touched a basketball since 1989. And the NBA should host this open tryout while Jason Kidd hands out free cans of Pepsi because Jason Kidd looks like a real asshole and basketball fans in Milwaukee deserve nothing but the best after suffering for so long. Anyway… here’s a really good chance for the Miami Heat to pad the stat sheet while your girlfriend gets drunk on Cran-vodkas and starts begging you to take her home in the third quarter with the Heat up 20. Do it, dude! AmericanAirlines Arena (601 Biscayne Boulevard, Miami, FL 33132, 786-777-1000, http://www.aaaena.com, http://www.miamiheat.com)
Do you want to know more about this 305-reeking, beach-bumming, Cuban food-obsessed dude? Well, then.. You can connect with Fernie @wordbyfernie (Twitter) and Fernie Ruano (Facebook). Who knows? If he really likes you, he might even give you his email.
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